we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 158: "MELON MISHAP" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VID - Melon Mishap * INTERVIEW - Dave 'Googlewhack' Gorman * CALENDAR - Raunchy Royals ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Watermelon head-butt << "My mate had a housewarming party recently", boasts Tom Wyatt, "someone bought him a watermelon as a present. We smashed it. Via head-butting." Woo. We were mildly amused, until he smacked his head against the Breville causing piss to milk from our tit-eyes. http://www.johnnysausage.com/modules.php >> UK nerds click here << "I've been typing swear words into old Spectrum text adventures", boasts Monkeon (32, single), "just to see what happens." We'll tell you what happens Monkeon. Fuck all. http://www.monkeon.co.uk/swearadventure/ >> Rathergood nonsense << Overseas readers might need some background to Morris dancers: every Friday these balloon wielding gits fill our streets with stick knocking bullshit. Joel captured them docu-style. It's like Cathy Come Home with bells on. http://www.rathergood.com/morris_dancers/ >> Free content for tabloids << Journos. Stuck for a picture story? Simply lift these photoshops of the Royal Family. Should fill a few pages. Oh, make sure you give no credit to the makers. As-per-usual. Ha! Ha! We won't either. Who's the cunt now? http://www.iamvork.com/sick/index.html ------------------------------------------------- : DAVE "GOOGLEWHACK" GORMAN INTERVIEW New DVD wooness Following on from the interview we ran with Dave Gorman a few years back, he got in touch and asked your ginger Fürher Rob Manuel to make a pop video for his new DVD. Seemed like a fine opportunity to drill his nut for new information. B3TA: How did you get interested in googlewhacking? DAVE: I was meant to be writing a novel and like most writers the first thing I do is everything else. I was suffering from a particularly bad case of writer's block and was primed for displacement activity of any kind. Then I got an e-mail from someone telling me that I was a googlewhack. I asked them what they meant and they explained what a googlewhack was and that there was one on my site. Naturally enough, it became the displacement activity of the moment. I'm sure if it hadn't come along something else would. It was more to do with my inability to write than anything else. B3TA: Any tips on combating procrastination? DAVE: I'll have to come back to you on that one. I've got a thing that needs a whatsit. B3TA: Going off and meeting people based on a search query is a bit nuts isn't it? DAVE: Yeah... I guess so. But I was having a bit of a breakdown so I guess I was going a bit nuts. The first few that I met were kind of accidental and made perfect sense. I look back on them and they still make perfect sense to me. But it did cross a line. B3TA: How does the DVD compare to the book? DAVE: The stageshow and the book feel very different to me ... they're different tellings of the same story. The stageshow is more condensed and has more punch, the book has a bit more introspection and explains a lot more. Oh... and you don't get Book Extras but you do get DVD Extras, including a song with a really cool video by a guy called Rob Manuel. B3TA: Which bit gets the biggest laugh? DAVE: Well if I told you that then people would know it was coming. And then it wouldn't get the biggest laugh from them when they watched it. But generally when things go really well for me the audience seems to like it... but when things go badly for me they seem to love it. B3TA: Stalkers. Tell us about your worst. DAVE: I've not had anything really bad. I've been aware on a couple of occasions that I've been followed as I walk home. I get a lot of e-mails and there are people who, because they get a reply, think you're their new best friend. One woman sent me an e-mail saying, "some friends and I are renting a cottage in Ireland for a week... my husband can't come so we thought you might like to take his place". She was terribly offended when I declined. A year later she was sending an e-mail to her entire address book slagging me off and declaring that I clearly had a problem relating to women. I've never even met this woman and she thinks I'm a weird misogynist for not going on holiday with her! I've had the odd proposal of marriage too. Very odd, as it happens. B3TA: Why did you ask me to make a video? DAVE: Short answer: because I think you're great. Long answer: A lot of the time DVD extras offer so called "behind the scenes" footage which just turns out to be some badly-shot video of you having a cup of tea in your kitchen. Not only does it seem pretty shonky to me but I can't live with the idea that people would think I'm so up myself that I think footage of me drinking tea is interesting. So I asked the DVD people if I could just put something that I like on as an extra, like a song from one of my favourite bands or something... that way I could introduce some of my audience to something new and besides, showing people something I really like tells them more about me than me drinking tea does. Their reaction was a confused: "...but it has to be about the Googlewhack Adventure". So I e-mailed one of my favourite bands; Helen Love and asked them if they'd fancy writing a song about the story. I wasn't really expecting them to say yes but I was pretty happy when they did. B3TA: And why should B3ta readers buy your DVD? DAVE: I think they're well-balanced enough to decide for themselves if they want to buy one without me demeaning myself with a whorish sales pitch. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0002CTZS... ------------------------------------------------- : ELECTION BOLLOCKS CORNER The world responds to another 4 years of Bush Unless you've been under a rock you'll know that Maggie has been voted back in, and Kinnock has been kicked to the floor. Links have been flooding in to B3ta Towers and here's three of our favourites. >> Pro-Kerry << Pasty-faced losers have been sticking up their bitch-mugs on the web to apologise to the world, and guarantee they won't be beaten to death on their "let's do Europe" trips before getting jobs as attorneys to Microsoft. http://www.sorryeverybody.com/gallery/123/ >> Pro-Bush << Gun-totting, abortion-happy Christians have responded with HTML spite, as illustrated here. http://www.werenotsorry.com/ >> Oh shut up-ers << All of this whilst the rest of the world thinks, "Sod it. We're stuck with it. Stop whinging you cunts." (Warning, NSFW) http://www.shut-up-and-live-with-it.tk/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Obscure Memorabilia Last week we wanted you to tell us about the odd things you keep because of their history: http://b3ta.com/questions/memorabilia/ Here are some of the highlights: #1 Sixteen Foot Penis "My mate owns the infamous fully operational hydraulic penis used by the Beastie Boys back when they were really controversial. Its about 16 foot long and he bought it for 1 quid ages ago. Sadly, he still can't afford to ship it over from America." (pb4ugo2bed) Anyone interested in helping pb4ugo2bed's mate import a 16' penis into the UK, contact us: http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ #2 Unsigned Book "I saw Ted Hughes signing 'The Iron Man' at a children's book fair when I was about 11: Me: Would you sign my book please? Ted: No. Me: Why not? Ted: It's "Where's Wally?". Bastard. So I have a copy of Where's Wally? almost signed by someone who didn't write it." (krang) #3 Green Knobbly Plastic Lump "I've got a shorth length of green knobbly plastic. Looks crap, is crap. But it was the piece of Kryptonite Superman threw in the snow to build his ice cave in the first Superman movie... Still looks like a crappy length of green plastic though." (Zaphod's Wombat) #4 A can of 'Wet Wet Wet' Lager. No Comment. Oh, and we liked 'born_sleepy's' contribution that "you know you're getting old when you're too slow to post your reply to the latest question of the week." We know the feeling. >> This Week's Question << Have you 'starred' in the background of anything? Confess your movie antics here: http://b3ta.com/questions/moviestars/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Homo fuck-fest << Following last week's homotopic auto-jizztastic demonstration, we bring you genius man-on-man gay-love. It's fantastic, bumtastic and if you don't like it, then you've probably got AIDS. Like us. We got a free Vauxhall Nova from the council. http://www.sickanimation.com/last2men.html >> French webtard makes flash CV << "This is the most eye-catching CV to ever land on my desk." shits Dr Cat9 M.D., "It quickly got distributed around our office. However, we won't hire they guy. He's French." http://213.186.36.10/~al/alstudio/cv/en.htm >> Optical brain-mare << We all like a nice dragon that follows your eye about the room. All well and good as you are lulled into a false sense of security by the Oliver Postgate-esq commentary, but wait for the brain shattering conclusion. We shivered with ocular fear at the final frames. http://www.grand-illusions.com/videos/dragon%20ill... >> Mawkish sentimental bollocks << Mopsey was a kitten. And, like all kittens, he died. Check out this heart-rending tribute. You'll either giggle or be moved to tears. http://www.privatehand.com/flash/mopsey.html >> £5000 p.a. for wanks << Men only... For the love of Christ, unzip your member and chuck out a cup of jizz fot B3ta. Wank for the server. B3ta needs you. Oh, and we'll get a better price for lady-eggs. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4002829.stm >> Sleepee Japanesee << They are crazy those Nipponese. Reinforce your stereotypes by imbibing these snaps of snoozing salary men and sleeping heroes of Edo. Gibber at their slack-jawed slouching and jelly-bodied collapse. http://masamania.com/archives/2004/09/japanese_bus... >> Speaking search engine << Bored? Pretend you're blind. After fumbling round your cell to find your PC, try this speaky search engine. No idea if it's useful to the visually bereft, but we had a few giggles searching for porn. http://www.speegle.co.uk/search.php >> David Hasselhoff << As punishment for the Second World War, the Americans foisted Hasselhoff on Nazi Germany. They are still paying. http://www.deadmanworking.com/ho/ ------------------------------------------------- : CHRISTMAS GIFTS For your retarded cousin >> Star-Trek phone << Regular readers will remember Nik Roope and his customised "Pokia" hand-sets. It's proved quite a hit, with stories from design mags to the New York Times. Sensing a craze, other geeky-design-cunts have riffled through their childhood past to come up with this nostalgic techno-clam. http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll >> Pen sword << Terrorists! Want to hold up a 747 and crash it into the a big fat target of people who don't want to die? Help is on hand with the pen-sword. It looks like a pen, but has all the qualities of a sword. Also good for exam suicides. http://www.brassknucklescompany.com/brass/catalog/... ------------------------------------------------- : GEEK OF THE WEEK Over-clocked toothbrush Fact: 95% of electric tooth brushes are used for anal masturbation. Manufacturers know this: It's the only way to sell dildos to straight males. Some men need more power. More stimulation. We salute these men. http://www.g4techtv.com/flashpop.aspx#8730;74 ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Arctic foxes "I saw the cutest, fuzziest thing I've seen in a long, long, long time yesterday," enthuses tr1nity, "arctic foxes" "I was sitting in my school library yesterday reading a National Geographic and came across this. When I got home I hopped over to my PC and found the pics online, and had to tell B3ta." http://magma.nationalgeographic.com/ngm/0410/featu... BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : BIT TORRENT TV Stuff we've watched this week Not much. We've been at work. Arses. >> Band-Aid doc << Think Bob Geldof was the only man who made Band Aid happen? Think again, 80s pointy side-burned synth rocker Midge Ure was the quieter half of the team. This BBC3 documentary is full of great behind the scenes facts. For example: Sting was driven to the recording in a Rolls, and had his driver park it round the corner so the tabloids saw him arrive on foot. A treat for pop culture obsessives. ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from Tramp Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted tramp traps. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/tramptraps/ We asked brought Freddy Woo out of retirement to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. Freddy Woo writes - #1 "Disney Bukkake - the lady WAS a tramp. She fucking loved it. (Beau Bo d'Or) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3909417 #2 "Soup Wagon - carefully chosen application of bad technique, yes the Police are this stupid. (OhArse) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3909529 #3 "Refuse and Waste - always happy to see puns redefining what language means." (deltaSi) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3911478 >> This Week's Challenge << Channel 4 has contacted B3ta and asked us to ask you to "re-design the C4 logo to promote their 'alternative Christmas.'" They have dug out a bunch of DVD box sets of some cult comedies for the winning entries, and best designs will appear on the C4 website. http://b3ta.com/challenge/c4_xmas/ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Unicycle Are people who ride unicycles a bunch of cunts? Yes. Circus skills are for tramps and dole slags. If you work in new media you'll be needing such skills soon. Thanks to Gfxmonk for this - we found it bloody impossible to play but it made us laugh. http://www.gfxmonk.com/misc/unigame/play.php ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * LITERAL EUPHEMISM TESTING - cut off your nose to spite your face, shoot your self in the foot or even teach your grandmother to suck eggs. * CELEBRITY SPUNK SANDWICH - get a job in Pret near the Radio 1 office. Put the more into 'More than Mozzarella.' * GOOD DEEDS - wank off a mong. Or someone old. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with Ben Wheatley and David Stevenson. Links sent in by a shadowy organisation of criminals who operate... above the law, and notimetosayit, rio3001, flurble, louisenel, LFFleetwood, amplitude, breebltrn1, philip.day, nicoleforster76, cheese1017 & stokedkid. Top Tippery by shaz norbert. Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Board research by Fnord. QOTW by Mike Trinder. Image challenge handled by Denise Wilton. Proofing by the burnt-up b4ta bread-blokes. (77907) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive