we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 154: "BISCUITY BOOKY WOOAGE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * INTERVIEW - Nice Cup Of Tea book launched * FLASH COMPETION - Make stuff for TV * LEGALS - Kilroy threatens to sue b3tard ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Baa Wars << "It's the cross-over everyone's been waiting for," bleats web music maestro Koit. He's a funny funny cunt, Koit. We guessed the joke before it started and we still laughed with glee. http://www.koit.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/baabaa.html >> Stunt video << Ben Wheatley has outdone himself here with a big bag of video genius. You'll think "Oh yeah? So what?" Then you'll go "Blimey." Then you'll press play again. This is sweet. http://www.mrandmrswheatley.co.uk/cunningstunt.htm... >> Sisters of Mercia << No longer the humble newsletter scribes - this week we are AS GODS! Rob did the tune, Rob did the dancing. Dave lurked in the background, holding a keyboard. Witness and worship: http://robmanuel.blogspot.com/2004/10/sisters-of-m... >> Weebl sings... << After the pants-arousing shock of seeing Rob and Dave on camera, good old Jonti wants to help blow your load with his singing, live, uncensored and on camera. Despite dancing like the father of the Star Wars kid, we managed to crack one out. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/48/ ------------------------------------------------- : NICE CUP OF TEA AND A SIT DOWN BOOK Help us make a Christmas number one Nicey and Wifey are the oldest of b3ta friends. They've been posting on and helping moderate our messageboard for about three years. They also run a website about biscuits. We've interviewed, bigged-up and generally tried our best to tell the world of their genius. We're proud to say that maybe we've helped. Certainly proud now that they've got themselves a proper publishing deal and everything. The book's available to pre-order on Amazon, it's shipping next week and we're all rather excited. To celebrate, here's a mini interview to catch up with the now-celebrity couple. B3TA: The site is about biscuits and the name is all about tea... NICEY: Not a problem, 'cause tea leads to biscuits. By the time your brain has scanned to the end of 'nice cup of tea and a sit down' most well-adjusted people should be thinking 'biscuits'. In the book we go into tea in some detail, and a bit of cake, and sit downs, as well as biscuits of course. B3TA: Now that your site has made you famous with numerous TV appearances - give us a celeb anecdote. NICEY: Well, when doing BBC Breakfast I once sat next to Esther Rantzen in makeup without realizing it. To be fair she was also unaware that she was sitting next to me, so it was a mutual sort of thing. When I got back in the green room there she was up on the monitor. I think its because in the flesh she's much smaller than she should be, and because her dress was very purple which distracted me. By the way, their mugs of tea that sit on the table in front of them are completely empty. They also had Quentin Cooper the film review guy in to cover the Christmas films, and I said, "You can't whack the Muppets Christmas Carol", I especially liked the part played by Gonzo, but he was more interested in my iPod. B3TA: Biscuits make you fat. Any thoughts on healthy options? NICEY: Well biscuits aren't really what nutritionists call a wonder-food. Examples of these are seaweed, millet and quinoa grains. Mind you, I bet your average nutritionist likes a digestive with their mid-morning cuppa. Of all biscuits Fig rolls are probably the best thing for you due to their fig content which has fibre as well as complex carbohydrates. In general, the best approach is to earn your biscuits either through some healthy exercise such as brisk walking, or strenuous work like digging over the garden or perhaps composing a long email. B3TA: We've recently got a taste for herbal teas - peppermint infusions being a favourite. Can we still be in your club? NICEY: No not really. You see none of the herbal stuff is proper tea, just because it comes in a bag and you pour boiling water on it. Perhaps you'll progress on to the real stuff via a convoluted route. This might seem harsh, but really if you went into the sort of establishment that sells bacon sandwiches and all day breakfasts and exercised your new-found 'tea' drinking skills I think you would quickly come unstuck. B3TA: Which nationality makes the worst tea? NICEY: The Americans of course. They have made it a matter of notional pride to be ignorant of the ways of tea since the Boston Tea Party. This even extends to having a puny 120V National Grid so that their kettles are all underpowered, weak and useless. Of course I cover this in the book. B3TA: Have you been recognised in the street? NICEY: I'm very happy to say no. However, just the other week I was recognised in the dentist's, if that counts. I was having a spot of emergency dental treatment whilst over in Ireland, after a slice of the mother-in-law's homemade bread had dislodged a filling. The dentist asked me what I did, and I replied, "mostly talk about biscuits." He said, "I've heard you on the radio, talking about extinct biscuits." He seemed quite excited, however his dental assistant remained professional and disinterested. B3TA: Have biscuit manufacturers tried to bribe you for a good review? NICEY: Yes, but only after I had already done the review, so it was a bit pointless really. The method they choose was to send us 48 packets of them. This slightly backfired as that was approximately 45 packs more than we really needed. It took us about two months to offload them on anybody who visited us. Everybody has always been so keen for us to remain impartial but we have made no secret that we are open to the idea of parcels of money. >> Pluggity plug << Nicey is a major talent. Biscuits are his starting point, but his material is the warm nostalgic glow of everybody's childhood treats. Oh, and it's funny. Ha ha. Is shiny, you like, you like. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/031672917... BTW: They also sent us a review copy that came in a funky box. Have a look. You will be dead jealous. http://b3ta.com/board/3825520 ------------------------------------------------- : KILROY THREATENS TO SUE Over silly web gag A few months back we brought you Mystery Bob's little bit of mischief. He'd taken a bit of footage from a comedy DVD and stuck it online with a domain name suspiciously similar to the UK Independence Party. They've got in touch. And they're not happy. Tony Bennett, Research Assistant to Robert Kilroy-Silk writes: "I represent Mr Kilroy-Silk and the U.K. Independence Party. You are advised that your site will be reported to the Police and we are currently taking the advice of a libel barrister as to its contents. I am a Solicitor as well as a research assistant. "You may wish to consider removing the site forthwith." So the battle is on. Should Mystery Bob capitulate to legal threats? Or should he stand strong and proud - free to mock silly old fools who spout racist crap against Arabs? http://www.ukindependence.org/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK #1 Strange things you've been paid to do The other week we asked for the strangest things you've actually been paid to do. http://b3ta.com/questions/strangejobs/ These are just some of our favourites that you can read in full on the website: #1 Monkey Fishing "I had to deal with several large skips full of assorted monkey body parts, scavenged from various zoos over the years, preserved lovingly like a fetid monkey soup with chunks. Enter me, with shoulder-length rubber gloves, and, a gasmask sorry "industrial respirator". We had to go in pairs, in case someone fell in and drowned. What's this in the bucket? Oh look. It's a dismembered chimpanzee. That or we'd found Jeff Dahmer's secret stash." (sags) #2 Collecting Poo "We were testing a drug's efficacy on worms only readily obtained from cats. You can't put a nappy on a cat (and I would love to see someone try) and the need for fresh wormy shit meant extracting a cat from its luxurious living quarters, putting it in a plastic dustbin, then turning a hose on it, to "persuade" it to dump. This is horrible for the cat, and not fun for me, as I got thoroughly scratched and bitten. But the best bit was the resulting miasma of cat intestinal bacteria measurable in the air several corridors away which stank like only hot cat shit can do." (godstar) #3 Grunters "I once got paid to serve pizzas in a pig-themed restaurant called 'Grunters', dressed in a pig costume. When people ordered we had to go, 'Oink oink'. They served the worst pizza ever invented called the Sow Pie. It had snails on it and an egg fried in Pernod. (Dannyo) ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Not shit George Bush animation << At b3ta towers we get about a million Bush flash things a day. We hated them in 2001, we hate them now. All except this one, which takes a turn for the surreal and, frankly, a turn for the better. http://www.thetoiletonline.com/leaveit.htm >> Spazzy Llama song << We like llamas. If we didn't have regular sex with ladies, then llamas would be, ooh, maybe our third choice. This mongstrosity makes us grin like meat-sated kittens. BTW: Number two? A quick J Arthur. Nothing wrong with a shuffle. Try one under the desk. Aim for the bin. http://www.angrymonkey.net/putfileshere/thellamaso... >> Spam << Spam is the shittest thing ever. Ok, that's old news. You know spam really fucks us off at b3ta towers - that's why we don't accept email anymore and ask you to use a form to talk to us. We were getting 600 of the fuckers a day. Our life was hell. The one thing that never occurred to us was to actually read the spam. It occurred to one time Webby winner Zefrank though, who reads it to camera in a disarmingly sincere way. Great stuff that surfs the line between being utterly dull and oddly compelling. http://www.zefrank.com/request/index_better.html >> Infinite zoomy picture << Back in our youth we spent a huge amount of time making our eyes go out of focus and trying to fall into photographs. Thank fuck for tech. Now we can do it without the eye strain. Inspirational stuff - but we're waiting for a remix that allows you to shoot stuff. http://razghul.ice.org/misc/zoom/zoom.htm >> Webtard keyboard idea << Is there someone in your life who's lost the power of ordinary English? No, we're not talking about the common or Northerners. We mean tossers who insist on going :) lol and rofl. They are scum who should be shot. Here's a re-design for their keyboards. http://www.hotlush.com/rofl3000/ >> Rolling eye weirdo << When we're watching kitten masturbation videos and video cut-ups of the World Trade Disaster set to disco classics like It's Raining Men we like to roll our eyes. But we're not as good as this chap. He's the fucking king. http://www.killakid.com.nyud.net:8090/video/wiggle... >> Shitty bum << This web vid looks unpromising but slowly draws you in by upping the creativity from shot to shot. Great stuff, but we're curious about the title. Shitty bum? Hmm. We reckon it's a the natural evolution of the mis-heard lyric. Sod the middle-man. http://www.c-monandkypski.nl/video/shittybum.html ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Scottish Fold Cat It's not enough these days to simply say "kittens are cute" - the cute hunters are now into breeds. To be down with the kids you need to know the difference between a Rex (yuck) and Scottish Fold (sweet, look at the ears.) http://home.inreach.com/flcco/abba.html BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : BIT TORRENT TV Stuff we've watched this week We've given up watching terrestrial TV, we download it instead. OK, that's mostly to annoy a friend of ours who works in advertising. But hey. It's a new age. TV is better this way. And that's all we care about. >> Dead like me << Touching, mawkish, downbeat and melancholy, this is TV for goths. Telling the story of a teenage girl killed by a toilet seat, her re-birth as Confessions of a Teenage Grim Reaper via an ensemble cast that delivers laughs with the pathos. Series one is better than two, probably due to the involvement of Wonderfalls creator Brian Fuller. http://www.suprnova.org/ >> Heat Vision & Jack << Pilot directed by Ben Stiller, never even shown on television. The story of a man and his talking motorcycle. Jack Black plays 'Jack Austin', an ex-astronaut who got too close to the sun and became the smartest human being alive. Great dialogue, "Slut monkeys must die" and a spot on parody of 80s telly like Knight Rider. We wouldn't be surprised to see this material re-worked as a film in the next few years. http://waxy.org/bt/ >> Sex Pistols documentary << Changes are happening at BBC4. Last year their programming was a load of toff nonsense about classic arts and music. And now? Suddenly they've discovered (retro) pop music, and are churning out docs on the Stone Roses and Kirsty MacColl. Best of the bunch is Blood on the Turntables' look at the Sex Pistols, which pulls off quite a coup. Previous films have only told one side of the story: Great Rock 'n' Roll Swindle being a Malcolm Maclaren re-write of history. Its answer-piece, The Filth and the Fury being John Lydon pulling the same trick. The new documentary solves this by getting them both on the same show, which was presumably a difficult bit of booking. Wunderbar. http://www.uknova.com ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK #2 Money's too tight to mention Last week we wanted to know how you coped when the money ran out. http://b3ta.com/questions/skint/ Seems like most of you didn't: * "How many times can I fall off a roundabout without being sick after consuming a whole watermelon? Six. And three stitches. Gained sixty quid." (iheartyourmum) * "In my student days, I foolishly spent my cash for that term on a 300W bass amp and spent the next 10 weeks eating nothing but spaghetti, beans and rice. Since then I have spent a good few years suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I blame the bass amp." (Bacon) * "At university, I went to the doctor claiming depression, got prescribed Prozac (free) then sold them on. At school I used to steal CDs from the younger years, take them into shops as returns, get record tokens and then sell them on... I'm now a lawyer!." (Mong-the-merciful) * "Never try begging for night-bus money when you've lost your wallet, reek of spirits and have somehow managed to piss all over your trousers: Londoners can be so judgemental." (oRb) >> This Week's Question << Have you ever been totally out of your depth? Don't worry, B3ta is listening. http://b3ta.com/questions/outofmydepth/ ------------------------------------------------- : STUPID FUCKING NAME CORNER The feature that won't die We've been trying to kill the silly names stuff for a while - but the links still keep pouring in and we keep grinning. God help us. >> Mustafa Kunt << Words fail us. What are we meant to say? There's a bloke called Mustafa Kunt and here's his picture. Jesus cocking Christ. The world is a strange old place, kids. http://snipurl.com/mustafakunt >> Ginger Minge << Look five down, five across. Here's our lady. http://www.electraisd.net/alumni/1993_seniors.htm >> Mr Cunty << "I'm doing a year's volunteer work in Papua New Guinea," complains jazzyjay, "but still find time to look through the phone book looking for funny sounding names." http://img86.exs.cx/img86/7278/MrTYCun.jpg >> Spazz Wheelchair << What kind of marketing genius calls their range of wheelchairs Spazz chairs? Maybe we've been secretly advising them. Maybe not. http://www.planetmobility.com/store/wheelchairs/ma... ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Krankies, Squirrels, Cows & Lost photos >> Krankies sing Bowie << "I caught this on TV a while back," boasts Rob Manuel. "It took ages to track down a tape of it, but I knew you needed to see it too." This is archive footage of disturbing UK variety act the Krankies, performing Space Oddity. Watch, dear reader, and boggle. http://robmanuel.blogspot.com/2004/10/krankies-sin... >> Squirrel Band << There's been a secret history of squirrels on b3ta - always bubbling under kittens as a potential usurper. Will Eclectech's animation knock them off the top spot? Hmm. Americans aren't so keen on tree rats you know, and the web is a world market. But hey - it's pretty. http://www.maycontainnutz.com/squirrelpower.php >> Square cows << Funny things, cows. They can stir strange notions in a young man's fancy. Just for instance, Kamikaze Stoat has been musing "What if you could get square ones?" http://www.kamikazestoat.co.uk/squow.php >> That's me in your photo << Who are they, those strange people who pop up in your photo album? The bloke you've drunkenly got your arm around, the girl who walked into shot just as the flash went off. Ally_Baby is all about matching people up with their random photo buddies. Not much to see now, but it could get big. http://www.thatwasme.net/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the 'Misheard Lyrics' Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Two weeks ago we wanted you to deliberately mishear song lyrics for comedy effect: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/misheardlyrics/ We asked B3ta boarder 'Flowerpot' to judge the entries - here are her 3 faves. Flowerpot writes - #1 "Carmina Burana - I thought this would be easy. In the end I had to choose the entries which made me laugh the most. Selecting 1st place was easy though. This had me shrieking like a girlie then left me speechless. It's funny, clever and original and I'm dead chuffed that now I can sing along to this song because before this entry I had no clue what they were singing about... (meak) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3774156 #2 "Bohemian Rhapsody - There were tons of B.R. entries and then THIS came along. 'Oh another one', I thought. Then it carried on and on... This is an epic, the entire song and it's fantastic. (Afrikawan) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3795588 #3 "Rock the Cat Spa - Silly lyrics for a great song AND it features no-hands plus other feline guests, one of whom is wrapped in a fluffy pink towel, aaahh. (Raymonkey) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3773685 Tradition has it that there should be a special mention. There were quite a few for this position due to the large number of quality entries so I'd rather just send a hearty Hip-Hip-WOO to Beau Bo d'or, Dave the Hat, Duphrates, Hankster, Mushybees, Prodigy69 and Wibblywobbly." Last week we wanted you to show us what a big difference a tiny spelling maistake can make: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/spellingmistake/ We asked B3ta boarder 'FoldsFive' to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. FoldsFive writes - #1 "100% FACT! - Another fantastic week of postings for Duphrates, of which this Jimi Hendrix one was absolutely top-drawer, and genuinely made me laugh out loud. The cartoons of this individual are absolutely top-class. (Duphrates) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3799840 #2 "Nerd - Of a number of Jaws-related competition entries this week, Wintermute's shone the brightest. Lovely shopping and beautifully done... and I must admit to being a real sucker for a Star Wars reference of any kind, sad geek that I am. (Wintermute) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3811738 #3 "Special Q - Feral Chicken's been a busy 'un this week but this one was the best of the lot, in my own humble opinion. Subtle yet effective eye movements and a lovely caricature to boot, although it was a close call between this and his Corn Frakes entry! (Feral Chicken) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3806217 And if I may be so bold to give a special mention to Skeet for Europe for plain and unashamed use of the word 'fwap' and some most excellent shoppage skills." http://www.b3ta.com/board/3805389 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, The Challenge Dictator wants to know "Why I can't sleep at night" http://b3ta.com/challenge/cantsleep/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * INAPPROPRIATE METAPHOR GUY RETURNS - "I can't believe you hadn't heard of Ian Holloway earlier", giggles flokemon, "I'm disappointed every time he is not featured on BBC Sport's Quotes of the Week." More quotes here. The guy is an utter star. http://queensparkrangers.rivals.net/default.asp * UNEXPECTED B3TA BBC INFILTRATION - In BBC SPORT, under the Fun and Games section, they have a weekly competition called The Crayon Game. Look carefully at the back. http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/funny_old_game/cra... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * I'M FEELING SPENDY BUTTON - use the Amazon API to automatically order random goods based upon what you want to spend. £5? £100. It's all a web lottery. * ENTRIES TO THE LOOK AROUND YOU COMP - do us proud, people of b3ta, do us proud. * NICECUPOFTEA BOOK NUMBER 1 - in the Amazon sales charts. Nicey will be happy. Wifey will be happy. B3ta co-founder Pep (who designed their logo) will be happy. And you'll be happy, because you've got a great read at a bargin price. Woo hoo. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/031672917... Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by crassbastard, Valium has a Seat Leon and can go anywhere, Zog, supermoore, tess_ara, amazongirl_uk, chris_swan, Speccy, Munsta, marktighe, auxeye, crayon_game & kjc5. Top Tippery by Nicey. Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Board research by Fnord. Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob. Proofing by the bookish b4ta boffins. (79318) ------------------------------------------------- TOP BISCUITY TIP: Unable to break into that pack of Gingernuts? Then simply straighten out a thin paperclip and push the end into the pack between two biscuits, then move it round in a lateral fashion. Depending on the cellophane, this will often produce an attractive frilly cut in the pack, which is an added bonus. A note of caution, always take care with straightened out paper clips or you'll have somebody's eye out. (Tip from Nicey.) next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive