we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 153: "CELEBRITY ALIENS THROUGHOUT HISTORY" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * ART - Classical look-a-likes * TOY - Cursor catcher * GEEK - Best toy idea ever ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Classical look-a-likes << "I fancied a bit of culture", writes your ginger-haired web god Rob Manuel, "So me and the missus popped down the National Gallery. Frankly, we got bored and spent the afternoon looking for look-a-likes of famous people. It's a great game. I challenge you not to play it the next time you visit a gallery." Fantastic stuff, suggesting that most celebrities are in fact 1,000 year-old aliens who live among us, and pop up at various points in history. http://robmanuel.blogspot.com/2004/09/classical-lo... >> Mad bloke bigs up b3ta << There's this bloke who stands in London's Oxford Circus ranting and raving like a mad man. B3tard Kirk thought it might be fun to have a chat with him. Hopefully the full interview will be coming next week, but in the meantime here's a sneak preview. http://www2.b3ta.com/vid/winnerorsinner.wmv >> Cursor catcher << "I made this a while ago", confesses Bastiaan Might, "and posted it on the messageboard. Recently it seems to have been getting around the interweb quite a bit and I came to realize people rather like it." With good reason. It's cute. http://www.militiadesign.com/b3ta/Cursor.html ------------------------------------------------- : ARGOS WATCH Web team fights back Last week we pointed out that typing Chav into the Argos product finder produces goods that are a little chavvy. IdentityProtected writes - "I work for the Argos Internet Customer Service team. Yup you should feel sorry for me. However I would like to point out that a vast percentage of customer-focused time is lost because we're too busy looking at b3ta. Also last week we managed to freak out the entire call centre by showing pics of spider bites to anyone who came to our little corner of Argos. "Anyways just to point out that the reason Chav comes up with the chains is because the search engine is arse and only uses the first three letters of a word to search with. Hence you get chains and chairs." Fair enough. And it also explains why searching for "wank" produces an electronic duelling wand. ------------------------------------------------- : GEEK OF THE WEEK Best kids toy ever Louise Klinker & Anab Jain are students studying Interaction Design at the Royal College of Art. They've been asked by Mattel to take part in a competition to rethink toys based around model cars. What they've come up with is genius. It's a demo mind you - the video is faked - but the idea damn it - the idea is the coolest idea for a toys we've seen in yonks. You need to watch this video. WARNING: It's 13MB but it streams on broadband. http://snipurl.com/this_is_too_cool ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Shoddy Presents Last week we asked for the worst presents you had ever received: http://b3ta.com/questions/presents/ Why is it always aunties and grannies?: #1 Good Girl and Good Boy "My ageing (and now rotting) gran once gave my sister and I stockings filled with little toys and sweets. Unfortunately she managed to get them muddled up. Not only did I get the "Good Girl" stocking and my sister the "Good Boy" one, but my gran had forgotten we were human. The stockings, containing mini marabones and jingley toys, were for cats and dogs. Bless. (Slinkachuu) #2 Socks and Pants again "Ever since I was about 10 I've been able to rely on three certainties: Death, Taxes and Socks and Pants for Christmas. So I thought "Why go to Primark and spend a whole English pound on five pairs of boxers when I will undoubtably will get a shedload for chrimbo?" I am a genius. And last christmas I was a genius going commando. My aunts and my nan thoughtfully bought me selection boxes. I don't eat chocolate. (TheBigFella) #3 The Garage Sale Queen "My nana is vaguely crazy, and spends all her money on the races and furs, leaving nothing to spend on presents. Instead, she goes to garage sales, buys random second-hand toys, puts them in clear plastic bags with a price tag pilfered from something new. I was always impressed with her attempts at sneakiness until the year she bought us all second-hand underwear: then I was just grossed out. (pacificprincess1) Oh, and woo to the South African airlines Customer Relations manager who gave an 11 year old the box (and just the box) from a promotional toy plane as compensation for a 10 hour delay. B3ta salutes you! >> This Week's Question << What is the strangest thing you've ever been paid to do? Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/strangejobs/ ------------------------------------------------- : FAT PIPE VIDEO CORNER Fuck the bandwidth, we're on broadband >> One-legged Dance Dance Revolution << Nothing fills us with more joy that seeing the differently abled excel at stuff we're shit at. This video is inspirational, funny, and probably will end up as a TV ad. http://giantmonster.com/movies/oneleggeddancer.htm... >> Fucking awesome plane crash << How do you prepare for someone crashing a plane into your nuclear power station? If you're the US military you smash an actual jet into a similar wall. Almost as entertaining as watching the fighter get pulverised in slow motion, is seeing the 9/11 conspiracy theorists crawl out of the woodwork to comment. http://www.big-boys.com/articles/concreteplane.htm... >> Carl Lewis << Through the 80s and 90s, athlete Carl Lewis seemed unbeatable - the consumate athlete perfect at everything he tried. Critics, however, might suggest he lacked the ability to laugh at himself and expected everybody to take him seriously. No-one who's seen this stab at a music video could accuse him of that though. http://www.carllewis.com/video.music.1.html >> Festive warfare vid << This is an amazing recreation of an air raid, made, mostly, with bits of Christmas decoration. The realistic soundtrack makes the result exciting, but still oddly cheerful. http://eatpes.com/kaboom.html ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Sinatra sings post-9/11 << Old Blue Eyes croons his way through a little number about terrorism - or is it racial profiling? Great tune, wherever its politics actually lie. http://www.beecy.net/frank/ >> Best Flash intro ever << This extraordinarily bombastic spot for David Hasselhoff's fansite seems to suggest that being a Hasselfan is an extreme experience, akin to taking a shed-load of powerful drugs. We can't say we disagree. http://www.davidhasselhoffonline.com/ >> Mass pillow-fight << We love the idea of this: pillowy violence breaking out in the city of London. Let's hope it doesn't get out of hand and the police have to turn up with riot cushions. http://www.mobile-clubbing.com/pillow.html >> Kabbalah for Dummies << Everyone's talking about Kabbalah, the bible-analysing trend that's perplexing deep thinkers like Britney Spears and David Beckham. Now you can give it a try yourself - or something a bit similar. This page analyses the patterns of words and letters on a site and tells you whether the result is good or evil. http://homokaasu.org/gematriculator/ >> How to bag a brain << Just in case you ever need to ship your brain across country, Columbia University has provided rather helpful instructions. Don't come crying to them when your Frankenstein creation runs amok. http://www.nybb.hs.columbia.edu/pathologist.htm >> Dodgy old book covers << Ah, how we yearn for the kinder, gentler times these over-heated book covers hark back to. You do have to wonder who'd be titillated by pulp titles like 'Matador of Shame.' Judging by the vintage, possibly your granddad. Now there is a thought. http://community.middlebury.edu/%7Emobrien/covers/ >> Body of art << This is the kind of art that we like. Naked people painted up to make pretty pictures. We love the chest hair on the portrait of Elvis. Oh, and the wanking hands. Always love the wanking hands. http://www.alisonholland.com/dunbarchiappin.htm >> Funny porn titles << We don't know much about porn Well, okay, perhaps we're not fooling anybody there. But this chap clearly knows loads more and he's put together a list of the worst-ever actual titles for your non-viewing delight. Moulin Splooge, Anal Chiropractor, it's all there. http://members.shaw.ca/stayasyouare/tohwpmt.html ------------------------------------------------- : SEX TIPS FOR B3TARDS Porn bread You can't really be disappointed by a site that promises 'vagina Danish'. Although this wasn't quite what we'd had in mind. Still, we managed to crack one out. http://www.porn-bread.com/vagina.htm ------------------------------------------------- : BIT TORRENT TV Stuff we've watched this week >> Lost << David Fury, part of the team behind both Angel and Buffy has come up with a fantastic new series called Lost, telling the story of what happens to a group of survivors after a plane crash. We've seen the first epiosde and think it rocks - the suspense is incredible and the Hollywood style production values kick arse. >> Arrested Development << A sitcom loosely inspired by The Royal Tenenbaums. A great ensemble cast, gloriously unsympathetic characters and the time to let the absurd plot properly brew make this a far more entertaining prospect than the film. >> Smallville << Hardly an off-beat choice, but the new season has just started in the US. Part of the charm of this series is the way it delicately foreshadows tragic changes in the future life of Clark Kent. But with this run featuring the S symbol and introducing Lois Lane, it might be the final one. ------------------------------------------------- : TOP TIPS TESTED Mobile phone controversy Last week we gave you a tip claiming that wrapping your phone in foil would increase the signal. The debate raged fiercely and comments include - * It works by fooling the phone into thinking the signal is weaker than it actually is and upping its sensitivity. (Freef) * I'm a mobile handset engineer. It's complete bollocks. (Dr Shambolic) * I tried it. It works. Here are pics (Meak) http://www.fuggled.co.uk/Phone/phone.htm Hmm. We remain unconvinced. You haven't faked these photos, have you Meak? Like the moon landings? ------------------------------------------------- : HUMAN ZOO QPR manager Ian Holloway We watched with mouths open as this footy manager digs himself deeper and deeper with his sexist analogy for his team's poor performance. The guy is a star. We say get him out of the ghetto of football and give him his own show. Or at least as a regular guest on Buzzcocks, Grumpy Old Men, etc. http://www.boreme.com/bm/OCT03/a/m_football_interv... ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Weebl, Tits & Star Wars >> Weebl writes evil song << Several months back Cadbury's contacted Rob & Jonti about doing some stuff for their site. This was the result. They weren't that keen, but Jonti likes it so he's shoving it out anyway. It will rot your brain but not your teeth. Huzzah. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/47/ >> Wobbling tits << "Behold my Small And Animated Boobs", intones Vord, "Recently I happened upon some bloke's 'images' directory and therein found two or three of these small and animated boob files. Naturally i went on a hunt for more." Blimey, we found some cheap sniggers here. NOTE TO TEAM: tits are funny. http://vord.rsc.cx/img/boobs/ >> Star Wars skit << Koit is a bit of a B3ta star these days. The creator of "cunt cunt cunt fucking cunt cunt" has tapped into the current mania for all things Star Wars related and reminded us of the worst bit of being at school. http://www.koit.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/join.html ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the 'Boris Johnson' Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted you to show us the world of Boris Johnson: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/borisjohnson/ We asked Boris himself to judge the challenge, but unfortunately he declined. Luckily, B3ta boarder new_matt stepped in to do the job. new_matt writes - #1 "Oh Boris, not again - A late entry, but after wading through 40-odd pages of pictures, exactly what I needed to see (which probably says something deeply meaningful about something). Hats off! (DarrynR) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3770294 #2 "X Ray - Mr or Mrs Duphrates produced a couple of absolute belters this week, but this was my favourite. And having lived through the Thatcher years, it's came as a pleasant surprise to see she really did have a heart after all. Three cheers! (Duphrates) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3765685 #3 "Boris for PM - There were a few cartoony ones this week, but this one is beautifully done and just plain lovely. Oh, and the milk bottle made me chuckle. That was the clincher. Gold star! (Threepwood) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3754940 I really didn't want to do a special mention, I fought against it, I agonised over it, I sweated, but then I got drunk with power. God knows what this is all about, but it was nicely done and just odd enough. Pat on the back! http://www.b3ta.com/board/3751961 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, the Challenge Dictator said we should stick cheese in our ears and mishear some lyrics. http://b3ta.com/challenge/misheardlyrics/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * B3TARD ADOPTS DEAF CAT - "I read your 'adopt Britain's saddest pet' article with interest", purrs amaryllis, "Unfortunately, living outside of London, I was unable to adopt Pirate, the one-eyed cat. However, I got in touch with Brighton's city cat shelter and am now the very proud adoptive mother of Frank, the deaf white fluffy cat with the rather loud miaow." http//www.sketchyanimation.com/b3ta/frank.jpeg http://www.citycatshelter.com * STUPID NAME AMAZON EXTRAS - "With regards to your Amazon list of names (Newsletter 152)", barks Neilo Winton, "The guy called Norman Conquest taught my partner at Perth Academy. Unfortunately he taught Chemistry, but his dog was called HASTINGS (honest!)." Fantastic stuff. We've updated the list with the many suggestions that came pouring in. http://snurl.com/martin_wank_and_co/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * SCIENTOLOGISTS VERSUS FURRIES - who would win out of these farcical groups in a battle to the death? * A FORTY-FOOT-TALL ARMOURED ROBOTIC KILLING MACHINE - that's a special request from b3ta regular Tomsk. We says, "That's what I'd like to see anyway. It'd be awesome." * TONY BLAIR HEART-OP GAME - remake the classic operation 'buzzt' game. If you like. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by r.fowden, keith.waddell trianstarcraft, nick.delaney, simon.goldman, kakihara_the_masochist, thechrismurphy, dan_nobleuk, patrick, Fraser, spanishcatfish, tk/nunchaku, mikebaja, p__bremner & addey. Top Tippery by tree sap. Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Board research by Fnord. Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob. Proofing by the light-footed b4ta bummers. (78538) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Got tree sap in your hair? Massage your sticky locks with peanut butter and shampoo. Works like a charm and leaves you smelling nutty fresh. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive