we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 151: "SICK JOKE SPECIAL" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * ANIM - Chicken or egg? * FLASH CHALLENGE - Just for the fuck of it * ADOPT - Britain's saddest pet ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Which came first? Chicken or the egg? << We're pretty impressed with Koit in B3ta Towers. We used to think his songs were frankly a bit dodgy. But since his, "cunt cunt cunt fucking cunt cunt cunt" track, Koit is a changed man. His latest work rocks and has a lovely pay off. http://www.koit.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/chickegg.html >> Reverse case-mods << "I'm sick and tired", groans whizzbang, "of case-modders taking perfectly good toasters and deck chairs and turning them into computers. So I've turned a database server into a bookshelf." Genius, and looks great too. We reckon a site like Thinkgeek could shift a few of these. http://www.iol.ie/~thedeans/reversemod/index.html >> New Weebl, Jazz singer << Jonti has turned his hand to song again, producing a freeform jazz episode of his famous toon. BTW: News on the DVDs is that like the MTV version, it'll be named Wobbl and Bob. http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/niiiiiccce.htm ------------------------------------------------- * How do you get a gay man to shag your girlfriend? Shit in her cunt. ------------------------------------------------- : BIT TORRENT TV Now with bonus trend analysis Some marketing bloke recently emailed us and said, "B3ta. What are the growing trends on the web?" Hmm. Good question. We replied: #1 LEGAL KIDDY PORN. Photos of teenage girls with their clothes on. #2 CONSOLIDATION OF POWER. If your business plan doesn't involve doing the cash with the triumphant trio of Amazon, eBay or Google, well frankly, you're a cornershop instead of in the mall. #3 DOWNLOADING TELLY. Fuck the tyranny of scheduling, we're time-poor and tech rich. We want to watch the TV we want to watch, when we want to watch it. They didn't email us back so here's some TV we've downloaded this week. >> Entourage << Execed by Mark Wahlberg, this HBO show takes us behind the scenes of a the hangers-on to a up-and-coming fictional Hollywood star. Witty, knowing and brilliantly cast (Matt Damon's brother plays the bitter, has-been sibling of the main star), this is telly to tell your mates about. >> Worst Jobs in History << One-time Blackadder star Tony Robinson has got the popular-history market tied up. Taking us from Tudor times to the present day, Robinson joyously romps through the dreadful professions people have endured. Watch out for Tony in drag being dunked in a lake, and having to spend 8 hours in stale human urine. We like our celebs humiliated. >> Steptoe and son << A sit-com loved by millions the world over, but who knew Steptoe was a 60 year old gay man from Ireland who drank 2 litres of gin a day and made regular trips to Hong Kong to seek the pleasures of boy flesh? A dirty old man and a true B3ta hero. All this stuff and more can be found via http://www.uknova.com/ http://www.suprnova.org/ ------------------------------------------------- * What's blue and fucks grannies? Hypothermia ------------------------------------------------- : CRAP JINGLES Ten minute Flash challenge Regular readers will know our love of crappy jingles, and imagine our delight when reader Alex sent in an MP3 with the comment, "I work for a commercial radio station, and here's a cheesy classic." It's a lovely little number celebrating the joys of The Inn on the Green. Complete with show-time disco bridge. >> The Challenge << So we decided to stick it on our board and ask you lot to make visuals for it. In under ten minutes. Here's the three best: #1 TV AD - Fnord takes some classic telly ads and jumbles them up to amusing effect. http://snipurl.com/fnord #2 PROSSIE - Beau Bo d'Or sticks to what he knows about: whores. http://www.heady.co.uk/b3ta/inn.html #3 SWINGING - trust Matazone to bring an element of darkness to the competition. http://www.matazone.co.uk/animpages/innonthegreen.... So well done to the winners and yay to everyone who took part. ------------------------------------------------- * What can turn a fruit into a vegetable? AIDS. ------------------------------------------------ : BRITAIN'S SADDEST PET Pirate the one-eyed cat It's International Pirate Day this Sunday, and what better way to celebrate than visiting Battersea Dogs Home and getting your own monovision moggy. He's about 7 and he's looking for a home. If you do adopt him, please remember to write and send us a few photos. Nothing would make us happier than matching b3ta people with mangled cats. http://www.dogshome.org/rehome/our_cats/pirate.htm... ------------------------------------------------- * What did the blind, deaf, mute boy get for Christmas? Cancer. ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Sick Jokes Last week we asked you to tell us your sickest jokes. As you might have already noticed we're peppering this newsletter with a handful of our favourites. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/sickjokes/ >> This Week's Question << This week we're asking you to tell us about the nutters that live near you. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/localnutters/ ------------------------------------------------- * What's got one ball and fucks women? Peter Sutcliffe's hammer. ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Crazy, crazy pigeons << There's a lot more to pigeons than the manky one-legged flying rats that dive bomb you when you're out shopping. Some of these look more like specialist cleaning implements than birds. http://home.iprimus.com.au/spud1/pigeon_pictures.h... >> Sex fags << Last week we featured the bizarre Japanese anthropomorphic Operating System girls called OS-Tan. This week, it's crazed manga-style cigarette personifications. Click the links on the left-hand column for erotically-charged renderings of Japanese cancer-stick brands. http://www.ctb.ne.jp/~silver-s/ >> Buy my tree cunt << Latest bizarre eBay auction: it's an astonishingly rude bit of a tree. Sadly, the auction is now closed, so it looks like we've missed the chance to own this particular freak of nature. http://snipurl.com/94un >> Movieoke << We had a real 'Why didn't we think of that?' moment when we heard about Movieoke: Karaoke for Movie Lovers. Best of all, you can try it in the privacy of your own home with nothing but a DVD player and the handy built-in subtitles. We can't wait to have a go at Back To The Future when we get home. http://www.movieoke.net/faq.htm >> Vile spider bite experience << The Brown Recluse spider is a nasty little customer. Unlike some of its more famous cousins, its bite probably won't kill you straight off. It will, however, make your very flesh rot on your bones. Don't click if you're eating, you have been warned. http://www.rochedalss.eq.edu.au/reclusebiteleg.htm ------------------------------------------------- * What's Stevie Wonder's favourite colour? Corduroy. ------------------------------------------------- : SEX TIPS FOR B3TARDS Stick spice up your arse. "Figging is a sexual practice involving the insertion of a prepared 'finger' of ginger root or even pepper into the anus. The burning sensation is said to induce intense pleasure." Forget Nullos, wanking machines and tossing off to photographs of dead horses, we know what the keen b3ta readers will be doing this weekend. And us too. Warning. This site contains porn. http://figging.com/ ------------------------------------------------- * How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? Suck it off. ------------------------------------------------ : GEEK OF THE WEEK Building stuff because they can If you're anything like us, you probably get a little tired of staring out of the window at the gasometer and railway sidings. Well fear not, for yet again the geeks have come to the rescue. These enterprising boffins use flat-screen monitors to change the view from their flat to anything they desire. And they get to freak their mates out with disaster film footage as well. http://www.hoagy.org/virtualwindow/ ------------------------------------------------- * What's pink and smells of olives? Popeye's fingers. ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Three fluffy bunnies in a pink toy car Anthropomorphism for beginners, lesson one. * Fluffy mammal. * Scaled-down real world object. * Ooh cute. http://badgas.co.uk/animals/others/others_013.jpg BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- * What do you do after raping a blind, deaf and dumb girl? Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone. ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 B3ta dreams and a wheelchair doggy >> B3ta Nirvana << "I made a thing", yelps davidbond, "It's the story of a b3tan's path to creative Nirvana." Blimey. This is a tribute to some of the more famous work on B3ta - which then wigs out to a strange bit. One for the fans rather than the casual reader. http://www.davidbond.net/ynl/ >> Wheelchair dog << "Wotcha", hollers the fantastically named pippyisatruck, "Here's a little something I've made - hope you like it." We do. Especially the bit at the end where you can click the signs. http://pip.rubberfeet.org/stuff/hobo.html ------------------------------------------------- * What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You've told her twice already. ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the 'Parallel Universe' Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted you to show us what is happening in alternative dimensions: http://b3ta.com/challenge/paralleluniverse/ We asked B3ta boarder 'tico24' to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. tico24 writes - #1 "Mr. Blessed as we have never seen him before - Isn't it just great to imagine that somewhere out there, in a parallel universe far away, there is an alternative Brian Blessed, who just sits in a corner being silent all day? 'Mazing! (Chobb) http://b3ta.com/board/3700170 #2 "Nohands, Withhands - I just think this captured the whole essence of the compo. Sorry it didn't win, but in a fight between Brian and Nohands, Brian would win hands down, pun intended. (Evil Pundit) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3701732 #3 "Batman - There were many entries after the Batman incident at the palace, but I thought that this was the best. Funny and original, what more can I say?! (All The Worlds Squirrels) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3723328 "If I may be so bold as to suggest a special mention. There were a couple of entries like this but a) this was the first and b) it's the best. Simple yet funny." http://www.b3ta.com/board/3709128 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, The Challenge Dictator told us to "Photoshop Bob Ross" http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/bobross/ ------------------------------------------------- * What's yellow and lives off dead beetles? Yoko Ono. ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * BADGER WORLD DOMINATION CONTINUES - nerd publisher O'Reilly hosts nerd conference. Names all the rooms after animals. Pranksters replace all signs with 'Badger Room'. http://overstated.net/photos/foohack/ * GOATSE TIME MAGAZINE COVER - looks like the art guys were having a laugh here. We guess the publishers don't look at the internet much. http://snipurl.com/90vt * GAY TEST SUCCESS - "Since you put my site in issue 141 of your lovely newsletter", crows Balphaus, "it has been linked to by literally hundreds of other sites and published in Loaded, Nuts and Boyz magazines. Woo." Yay you. http://www.snackfoam.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/gaytest1... * LAW OF THE PLAYGROUND SALES RANK - last week we asked you to buy Log's book. You raised the sales rank from 380 to 70. Quite impressive really. We know you'll enjoy the book. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/009190030... Although a overseas reader points out that there's no badly-drawn cock on the German version. Strange really. We hear that the Hun love cock. http://images-eu.amazon.com/images/P/0091900301.03... * SAYING SORRY TO MALTA - "Thanx for the mention in the newspaper about my Maltese site", writes The Gatz, "but we don't really hate Malta. Heck I have become used to it and now I quite like it." ------------------------------------------------- * What's got 4 legs and goes 'Woof'? A cat doused in petrol ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Reverse mouse maze Simple, addictive and very frustrating. Guide your mouse around a maze without touching any objects. The catch? your mouse is reversed. We're kicking ourselves for not thinking of this ourselves. It's brilliant. http://www.scenta.co.uk/reverse/ ------------------------------------------------- * What's black and sits at the top of the stairs? Christopher Reeves, after the fire. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include: * SOCIAL EXPERIMENTS - don't buy your round for a month and chart your relationships. * EXTREME ZEBRA CROSSING - paint pedestrian crossings on the M5. Video the carnage. * STEALTH RUDE KNITTING - make you gran knit something rude - maybe a goatse inspired ornament and laugh with glee and innocent delight when she does it. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with Tomsk and David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Kamikaze Stoat, account88888, Sosumi, Arthur, emessis, beemoh, Harry, Carrie3372 & archie bubba. Special thanks to Chobb & WhoElse who moaned that they weren't credited the other week. Top Tippery by typing "tips shoes" into google. Send us more tips please. Sick jokes from supermoore, too_many_shoes, moomin-papa, forkboy, sven_hassel, Maddave, pacificprincess1, b0rderlineschiz0, carpediem, and Dizzy Bob loves nuts. Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Board research by Fnord. Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob. Proofing by the sexploding b4ta sinevitable. (78296) ------------------------------------------------- * HITLER WALKS INTO THE MEETING ROOM and turns to his trusted staff... "I want you to organise the execution of 10,000 Jews and 10,000 hedgehogs." Everyone looks around the table and after a long silence, Goering pipes up, "Mein fuhrer why do you want to kill 10,000 hedgehogs?" Hitler smiles and turns to the rest or the table, "You see, no one cares about the Jews." ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: When choosing shoes to go with your formal frock, forget basic black and make a statement with coloured heels. We love pink, aqua and anything metallic. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive