we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 138: "TALES OF THE TUG" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * ANIM - Weebl sells out to footy bollocks * RADIO - Best wanking stories ever * VIDEO - Man drinks own vomit ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Footy footy footy << We hate and fear football and we like to think it feels the same about us. But boy-genius animator Jonti Picking has a bizarre liking for the game and has adapted his classic Badgers badgers badgers to celebrate. Cunt. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/35/ >> Ninja cartoon << Old-school b3ta regular Tomsk has been busy lately making a series of rather pretty cartoons. His latest fulfils all the criteria on our list for success. Tomsk: "Ninja, check. Drum'n'bass, check. Crap gag, check. All new hand-drawn style, check." Very nice indeed. http://www.mintimperial.com/specialdelivery/ >> Exciting Japanese toilet << "I went to the toilet," bubbles Laura Hardy, "in Japan. And this is what you get in your hotel room." It's one of those Japanese toilets that clean your bum. We'd never seen one before - it has a slightly nasty, furtive movement to it. http://www2.b3ta.com/vid/japanesetoilet.html >> Rescuing ducks << "Last weekend I saw 4 baby ducks get swept into a rapidly-flooding sewer," writes Operand B, "A harrowing rescue ensued." We can only applaud this kind of selfless bravery. "My main motivation for saving them was to get in the newsletter," he confesses. Mission accomplished, he can now happily put them back down there again. http://www.theonlyaaron.com/projects/b3ta/duckies/ >> Hypnotise your friends << Having a load of mates is fine, but wouldn't you rather they were a bunch of unthinking zombies - subject to your every whim? Such is the reasoning of JBoom. So he's made a little online toy that lets you email supposedly hypnotic messages to your friends. Quite pretty it is, too. http://www.jboom.com/hypno ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA RADIO Tales of the tug Each week we snatch a rude hour on Resonance FM to push back the boundaries of entertainment. This week we're telling your worst masturbation stories. Some of our favourites this week include: >> The Wanking Game << "A friend of mine actually invented a sort of 'wanking game'. First he would be upstairs in his room whilst his mum was downstairs watching TV or whatever. With his hand in position he would cry 'MUM!' at the top of his voice and commence masturbation. His mum would then go upstairs to see what was wrong. The object of the game was to see if he could produce love fluid before his mother came upstairs into his room." >> Spazturbation << "At school there was a kid called Ben who had special needs and would always have an assistant sit next to him. Pretty much every IT lesson we would hear the assistant telling him 'not to go on those naughty sites' and had to keep closing his browser. "One day the opportunity arose that his usual assistant wasn't available and no replacement could be found. So mid-lesson we hear a few gasps and Ben is frantically fwapping away to some teen site. The teacher shouts and goes running to the other side of the room, but it's too late and he chubs all over his hand and keyboard. I've never seen a kid so happy, he turned around with a huge fucking grin clapping to himself, and when he gets shouted at just looks at the teacher in complete amazement, as if he's done nothing wrong." These stories and more. Oh so much more on the site: http://www.b3ta.com/questions/wanking_disasters/ >> Special Guest << We've also invited CCC of 'Tunbridge Wells Monkey Man' fame into the studio to catch up with his life, post-tabloid fame. You can learn more about B3ta Radio and how to tune in here: http://b3ta.com/features/b3taradio/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Drunk man drinks his own vomit << Our worst drunken experience involves passing out in a nightclub toilet, covered in our own vomit, occasionally mumbling "bed-time b3ta. It's bed time b3ta." However even the b3ta editorial team can hardly compete with this horrid man. http://www2.b3ta.com/vid/dont-ever-get-this-drunk.... >> When special needs kids make flash << Watch in awe and wonder as a group of kids with learning difficulties deliver their message on why drugs are wrong. We're giving up making flash. This is what Macromedia built their tools to do. http://www.priorywoods.middlesbrough.sch.uk/subjec... >> ET Porn << Steven Spielberg recently recut his alien mawk-fest ET, making it more acceptable to a contemporary audience by removing the guns. Shame his re-write of history didn't include this fantastic scene of ET having his cock sucked by a naughty lady. Warning: Not safe for work. At all. LINK REMOVED: coz porn sites have changed it to a redirect to a pay for porn thingie. >> MP3 Boombox << We've seen a lot of case mods but this is the first that could actually be turned into a viable commercial project. We want it. http://www.gutterslide.com/boomboxpc/ >> Goatsepedia << You've seen shock sites such as Goatse and Tubgirl and we love this detailed history behind their use. Particularly fascinating is the level of thought people put behind trolling. Frankly, if our exclusion order was lifted and we were allowed within 5 miles of a university we'd be studying this stuff. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shock_site >> Mini Arcade << Got a bit of time this afternoon? Liven up your desk my making paper models of your favourite arcade games. We reckon a more ambitious b3ta person could take it a bit further by sticking a Gameboy or Palmpilot screen in one of these and making the coolest geek toy ever. http://www.wayoftherodent.com/gd101/bs_paperarcade... ------------------------------------------------- : GEEK OF THE WEEK Doing stuff because you can The washing machine develops an irritating fault, so you call out a repair person. Unless, that is, you're this man (and what were the chances it would be a woman?), who took it as the opportunity to create some sort of ungodly Frankenwasher, precisely controlled via his computer. It looks terrifying and unsafe and we're not surprised it led to his missus buying a replacement, on the grounds that she 'couldn't work out how to use it.' http://www.migweb.co.uk/forums/showthread.php ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Otter friends Fuck me - this some cute shit that touches our crappy heart strings. We don't want to piss no more - that's dirty - we only want to see pictures of lovely otters. Otters that swim together holding hands. http://snipurl.com/6v0i BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us at http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from Monument Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted monuments to stuff that isn't normally celebrated. http://b3ta.com/challenge/monuments/ We asked b3ta luminary Freddy Woo to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. Freddy writes - #1 Statue of Liberty Upskirt shot - she's a mucky old bitch, that lady of liberty. (Beau Bo d'Or) http://b3ta.com/board/3265836 #2 Stinky piss cherub. A touching monument to the glories of the drink. (Zak McFlimby) http://b3ta.com/board/3257611 #3 Redex Trade Centre - very clever. He's going to hell. Who's laughing now? Us. (squiggy) http://b3ta.com/board/3283281 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, b3ta contributor Gimbo gave us the suggestion, "Kids TV from the planet Wrong." http://b3ta.com/challenge/kidstvgonewrong/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * URL REDIRECTS - inspired by last week's piece on using fake web addresses to make a comment about somebody else's website, Maughan Johnson sent us his stab at the genre. http://www.jamrag.co.uk * 6-DAY WEEK DOESN'T WORK - A while back we were talking about how 28 hour days and six day weeks would be a far better system,. To their eternal credit, B3ta readers Auggie and Shores decided to risk their health, put this to the test and document their findings online. They lasted five days. http://6dayweek.blogspot.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * FISTEROIDS - the classic arcade game remade with aggressive sexual practises. * NAME THAT MEME - test your internet cliché knowledge against the best of the best. * CELEBRITY XYLOSHIT - A keyboard-based simulator, where different keys release assorted lengths of poo from a line-up of naked celebrities. Can you recreate your favourite tune in the medium of famous turds. Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by Susan Joseph, melman from Cali, Jim McCauley, alexmasters, theartfulriddler and MattD. Top Tippery by Chris Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Board research by Fnord. Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder. Proofing by the b4ta bum stoats. (75723) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Put bread under your top lip while chopping onions. It will suppress the reactions of your sinuses and simultaneously make you look dead sophisticated. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive