we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 137: "GOATSE DEATH DIVE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * ANIM - Kitten on a motorbike * GAME - Goatse sky-diving * RADIO - Your worst mini cab experiences ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Kittens on motorbikes << Rob Manuel & Joel Veitch have teamed up again to bring you a video of a stunt kitten speeding round London on a motorbike. "It's the best thing we've ever done", enthuses Joel. Whilst Rob states, "I was getting bored of kittens. But this re-affirms my belief in kitteny flash goodness." Watch it. http://www.youthofbritain.com/chillout/ >> Squirrel band 3D << We're never short for animal bands on B3ta. But thanks to VinylSqueakyDogtoy the genre is inching forward. This is a big (8mb) download so start it off now and look at the rest of the newsletter whilst you're waiting. It's worth it. You'll clap your flippers like retarded seals. It's just exactly that good. http://trident.spodemedia.net/Sam/squizz.htm >> Weebl visits Ikea << Jonti Picking has recently moved house and been furnishing it with the finest tables from Ikea. We told him to visit Argos online instead, but he wouldn't listen. He found the experience pretty appalling and has poured his frustrations into his art. http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/pikea.htm >> Skydiving game << "I just finished this new game," badgers Jamie Fuller, "Please use it in your newsletter so I can get hit on by rich chicks and rock stars." Not a problem. We're sure you'll have supermodels on your dick like a shish kebab. Oh, and it's a good little game too. You have to fly your man through cartoon Goatse clouds, all from an unusual overhead perspective. http://jamiefuller.com/flash/goatse.php ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA RADIO Mini cabs from hell Each week we grab an hour on Resonance FM to talk crap. This week we're doing stories about your worst cab experiences. Our favourite tale comes this week from The Cobra - "The cabby was obviously drunk, but it was late and I knew my chances of getting another were slim, so I buckled up. "About a mile from my house there was a terrible noise, the car veered across the road and sparks began to fly around the car. "Eventually cabbie gets out to see what's wrong. "He whips his cock out and pisses on the damaged area. Probably believing his urine contained some form of magical tonic. "Lying in bed that night I swear I could still hear his gentle sobbing." That story and more on the site; http://www.b3ta.com/questions/mini_cabs_from_hell/ You can learn more about B3ta Radio and how to tune in here: http://b3ta.com/features/b3taradio/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Arses, Pong, Margarine & Nicotine >> Fartmonica << "I've always wondered", ponders Tom Wyatt, "if you could fart through a harmonica to make it toot." Well the answer appears to be no, but we got a cheap laugh watching him try. http://www.archive.org/movies/details-db.php >> Pong vs. Swingball << "I love swingball and pong," exclaims Monkeon, "but hate tennis, so I thought I'd do the decent thing and make swingpong." What a novel concept. BTW: This is a two player game so grab a friend and give it a go. http://www.monkeon.co.uk/swingpong >> Margarine love << "I think I might have a problem," confesses SiX, "this is how I spend my time." Fucking hell. Covering yourself in marg is a pretty stupid thing to do - but it got a laugh in B3ta towers. http://snipurl.com/6q85 >> Nicotine coffee << "Have you heard of Nicowater?" enquires WhiteDevil, "It's bottled water that's laced with nicotine designed to be a quit-smoking aid. I don't actually smoke, so I decided to try out nicotine by cooking with this stuff..." Impressive stuff. We want to try it. http://www.ericisgreat.com/nicowater/index.html ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Lighter tracking << If you smoke you'll know the difficulty of lighter ownership. Put one down for a second and another smoker accidentally takes it home with them. These guys have put tracking devices in them, left them in the pub, and used hi-tech surveillance techniques to find out what happens next. http://www.traces-of-fire.org/tracing/homeranges/i... >> Drumming baby << One of the earliest web hits was the dancing baby. You remember it - it ended its odd little career in Ally McBeal. This clip from a US comedy show - complete with annoying studio laughter - moves the ancient idea on by making a baby drum to rock. We didn't want to like it but couldn't help ourselves. http://www.ondmis.dk/video/drumbaby.htm >> Rubbish Gays << Guardian editors! Need a new columnist for your ever-swelling Saturday edition? We've found just the chap. He's a gay bloke who hates gays. Just the antidote we need to TV's current "gay men are fabulous as long as they don't talk buggery" obsession. Hands up Mr. Gay UK, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, and Sky's How Gay Are You. This blog is gunning for you. http://rubbishgays.blogspot.com/ >> Url tricks << From Bob Monkhouse's Book of Web Gags, the very oldest yet still surprisingly effective joke is to re-direct a offensive domain name to something better known. Hmmm. Maybe we should buy odious-twats.co.uk and point it at the official royal site. http://www.talkingshite.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Ladybird puzzle Remember those slide puzzles where you had to move the pieces to form a recognisable picture? This is an unusual update. It adds the magical element of a ladybird on a train track. You have to slide the pieces about to create a path which will guide your character through every square on the board. Tricky stuff. You'll probably go blind. http://mrl.nyu.edu/~perlin/experiments/ladybug/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH When tigers and puppies make friends An unexpected sub-genre is emerging in our international quest to find the cutest things in the world. Unusual animal friends. A few months back we gave you badgers and foxes, this week it's a tiger cub and a puppy. This has a little pathos too. For the viewer knows it's a doomed relationship: the tiger is clearly going to eat his friend when he grows up. http://snipurl.com/6q8b BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us at http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Farmer Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted your photoshopped opinion on farmers. http://b3ta.com/challenge/farmers/ We asked b3ta boarder M3Essential to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. M3Essential writes - #1 "I Don't Like Your Pathetic Competition - Wonderful timing culminates with the perfect facial expression. Splendid! (Zak Mc.Flimby) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3226263 #2 "Free NHS eye tests for all farmers - A competition to mock farmers, well this about sums it up. (Darryn.R) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3227351 #3 "Here Comes The Farmer - Funtastic animation and a file size everyone can agree on. huzzah! (Calihal) http://www.b3ta.com/board/3251027 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, the Challenge Dictator gave us the suggestion, "Monuments that should exist." http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/monuments/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * BADGER BADGER TATTOO - we all know and love Jonti's Badger animation. But who would want it tattooed on their leg? This is going to to take some explaining to the grandkids. http://www.faceparty.com/public/796/images/dead_he... * JAPANESE PORN GAMESHOW - last week we linked to a clip which we understood to be taken from a game show. Sadly it appears to be part of a porn DVD. Oh well. Still - we think it would make a great game show... http://www.jlist.com/PRODUCT/12622539 * DROPPING PENNIES DOESN'T KILL - we recently asked you to create a game based on dropping money from the Eiffel Tower on the French. None of you bothered - but you several of you wrote in to point out that it's not actually lethal. Apparently dropping a metal pen would be more effective. http://www.jaypinkerton.com/myths/myths3.html ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * ARTSY NAZI - a paint package that even Hitler could use. Think about the details: swastika, pink triangle and moustache paint brushes, gothic fonts, a Dr Mengele clone tool, Alsatian clip art. Oh, and a lovely David Hasselhoff soundtrack. * LET'S PLAY VET - an interactive guide for kids on advanced veterinary techniques. Maybe a theme song, "Let's play vet, let's play vet, learn the skills of cutting up pets." * ADVANCED GOD SIMULATOR - err this might be a bit dull, due to His non-interference with man's destiny shtick. But you get to pretend to speak from bushes and occasionally send down the Lamb of God to fuck a virgin. Huzzah. Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by Ben Wheatley, K2k6, James JG Kosmatka, Alistair Edwardes, Grrbabs & Grey Triggerfish. Top Tippery by Glenys Kinnock. Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Board research by Fnord. Hooray for Fnord. Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder. Proofing by the armed b4ta militia. (75263) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Wash the grit out of your leeks by topping and tailing the veg, then cutting a two inch deep cross into the top making a leafy paint brush effect. Run the head under the tap rubbing the flayed stalk with your fingers. No more grit. Oh, and leeks are very nice with a cheesy pasta. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive