we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 136: "THE SWEARY CORNFLAKE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * CELEB SWEARS - DLT says "cunt" * VIDEO - petrol in a water pistol * B3TA RADIO - Now with agony aunt ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Flying grandad << "Hello there it's Mr Fancyteeth", writes the enigmatic King of Enigmas, Mr FancyTeeth," I've done this animation for the newsletter. It's all about my grandad." Hmm. Unless your grandad could fly, we doubt that very much. This week's Monkeon award for the most barking idea goes to... http://www.mantlepies.com/grandad.html >> Leopardy Jeopardy << Last week we asked you to create a game called Leopardy Jeopardy mostly because we liked the name. However Andy Shan has come through in spades. You'll need to grab someone from the office to play with you. Unless, like in Fight Club, you have some sort of super-competitive alter-ego to press the Z key while you're asleep. http://snipurl.com/6koz >> Observational Comedy - The Truth << "Here is an old animation I wrote," ejaculates Robin Ince, "as part of a series of comedy world parodies." Blimey. This is good stuff, written clearly by a man with deeply ambivalent opinions about the stand-up comedy industry. BTW: It's very long, so brew a cup of tea and take a piss before sitting down and having a watch. http://www.comedy-republic.com/mysterious_ep02.htm >> Local newspaper mocked! << Let's face it: 'local' is always synonymous with 'shit'. Peter Donaldson has just discovered the joys of his local free newspaper, the South Wales Echo, and holds it up proudly for your amusement. http://www.oneeyedwilly.co.uk/swalesecho.htm >> Most obscene animation ever << Ben Wheatley sent us this animation a couple of weeks ago. We managed 15 seconds before going, "I don't want to see dancing cocks and meaty vulvas pulsating to a drum'n'bass remix of Ohio Express's 1968 hit, 'Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, I got love in my tummy.'" Then Ben turned up at B3ta HQ and threatened to kill us and use our flayed flesh to create a new animation. WARNING: this is freaky, not safe for work and frankly the work of a serial killer playing with his food. http://www.mrandmrswheatley.co.uk/prettycreatures.... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA RADIO Time-Out's Angony Aunt Each week we grab a cheeky hour on ResonanceFM to talk bollocks. This week we've invited Time-Outs Agony Aunt, Tania Glyde in to answer your problems. Why? Because we can. You can learn more about B3ta Radio and how to tune in here: http://b3ta.com/features/b3taradio/ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Circular Breakout This is a flash version of the arcade classic, but set at the bottom of a metal bowl. Try to stop the ball falling down the hole in the centre. To kill a few minutes before going home you could do a lot worse than try out Matt Plasticmartian's challenging game. http://snipurl.com/6kp3 ------------------------------------------------- : CELEBRITY SWEAR CORNER DLT says "you cunt" Ah, Dave Lee Travis. How we miss him from the UK airwaves. Immerse yourself in nostalgia by hearing him scream "Fuck you. You cunt. You fucking bastard", at Noel Edmunds during one of his candid-camera-style gotcha stunts. Celebrity profanity is seldom this satisfying, so sit back and enjoy The Sweary Cornflake. http://www2.b3ta.com/dltswears/ BTW: If you work in TV and have access to unbroadcast clips of celebrities swearing - we can normally find a home for them. ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Attack of the eyebrow thief << This is just the oddest thing. A character who scouts through personal websites on Livejournal, finds pictures of people and erases their eyebrows in Photoshop before posting them back on messageboards. His victims always seem rather surprised, but maybe that's just the lack of facial hair. http://snipurl.com/6kp5 >> Andy Kaufman definitely not dead? << Older readers may remember Andy as the anarchic comedy genius played by Jim Carrey in Man on the Moon. He died twenty years ago and vowed that he would return on the anniversary of his death. Looks like he might not have been lying - we want to believe, although web spoil-sports Snopes reckon it's a load of bollocks. http://andykaufmanreturns.blogspot.com/ >> Bored Web Designer Corner << Building websites is so shit boring you could train monkeys to do it - but they wouldn't. They'd prefer to flick peanuts and faeces at each other. And frankly, so would we. Small pleasures can be derived by expressing your true feelings about the job in places no-one signing off the project would notice. For small, mean laughter, right-click on the picture of the nice lady on this healthcare site and see what the file is called. http://www.meenakshimission.org/cont.htm >> Britney Spears subliminal << Britney Spears wants us. We've been listening to her records backwards and that's what they tell us. We want her backwards, too, so that's alright then. http://www.anothersite.co.uk/news.php >> Dismembered toe << Save on expensive torturers' bills by doing it to yourself in the comfort of your own home. That, at least, seems to be the rationale of this man consumed with hatred of his own feet. Warning: Do not watch if easily distressed by scenes of toenail carnage. http://www.hairy-arse.com/toe/ >> Home-made flamethrower << Jesus bumming Christ. If the Lord came back today he'd be doing shit like this. Filling a common or garden water pistol with petrol and using it as a flamethrower in his garage. Just like this chap, who we also worship. http://content.jengajam.com/flamethrwr.wmv >> Infinite cat project << The idea behind this site is to take a picture of a cat staring at a monitor screen. Then take a photo of another cat staring at the first picture on a monitor. Then... but you get the idea. Given how fascinated cats are with each other's bottoms, this is fantastic. http://www.privatehand.com/infinite/cat-html/15.ht... >> Funny porn 124: XXX-files << Nerds enjoy many things. Like you or me, they love sexy ladies. They also like 3D computer rendering, alien rape and the X-Files. This site manages to combine all of these in the form of some quite frightening computer-generated Gillian Anderson porn. http://snipurl.com/6kpe >> Impossible objects << What higher achievement of human dexterity can there be than sticking a Rubik's cube into a bottle that's too small for it? None - that's what. Genuinely a thing of wonder, see if you can figure out how they were made. http://snipurl.com/6kph >> Japanese live sex gameshow << Just what it says: hardcore pornography broadcast on Japanese TV in gameshow format. Obviously, not safe for work, but you wouldn'y know it from the air of polite interest shown by the studio audience. http://www.szanalmas.hu/redir2.phtml >> My shitty neighbour shame << We hate people. Who knows what feculent filth they wallow in, separated from your sleeping head by a few inches of brick and plaster. If your neighbours live in more squalour than this, please take photos for us. http://www.mostemailed.com/images/misc/badNeighbou... >> Star Wars Car << Star Wars doesn't excite us; car mods don't excite us. But this Star Wars car mod made us lactate love juice from our mind-nipples. It's the wealth of obsessive detail that makes it great. Also, seeing the decidedly normal-looking owner proudly posing behind the dashboard. http://www.roadsquadron.com/Cars/Hwing/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Fox cubs Aww. They're so adorable! Look at their little faces and their tiny paws, which they'll soon be using to savagely attack chickens. They're the best. Any foe of chickens is a friend of ours. http://domain567993.sites.fasthosts.com/gallery_fo... BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us at http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Hospital Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted things you really wouldn't want to see in hospital: http://b3ta.com/challenge/hospital/ We asked B3ta boarder 'lemony' to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. Mr Lemony writes - #1 "Beep... Beep.... Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee - clear winner purely for the genius use of etcha-sketch, cocking ace! (Kris Fucking Kristofferson) http://b3ta.com/board/3188577 #2 "Chichester hospital radio - Paul?! Barry?! Utter twats, this rocks. (Fat Marrow) http://b3ta.com/board/3200636 #3 "Operating table-tennis - top punnage and slick animation made me soil myself over this one... twice in fact." (baby wet ones) http://b3ta.com/board/3203509 "it seems to be obligatory to have sort of bonus prize thing these days and I felt it was well worth noting that Stick Figure Ninja still can't keep his hands off kenny loggins." http://b3ta.com/board/3212681 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, the challenge dictator found another hard-pressed minority to point and laugh at. Farmers. http://b3ta.com/challenge/farmers/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * DIANA MINESWEEPER - Much like Windows Minesweeper but with pictures of Diana's head. Oooh, and small african boys having their limbs blown off. * ANAL FUCKFINGERS - A series of arses fly by the screen. Poke them with your finger. However if the sphincter is too large you're in danger of getting trapped - too small, and you're arrested for child molestation. * HIGGELDY COCK PIGGELDY - you play a farmer. Your prize collection of piglets have all got their curly cocks in a knot. Help save their bacon by untying sheep-shanks and carrick-bends. Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by Shannara, olly defunktion, Major Uffle-Uffle Bombfactory, simon essexeffect Alex Spencer, Nick Gresty, diskosquid, armadillo6xe, jockgit, Robert Carthy. Top Tippery by Hung-Like-A-Kitten. Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Board research by Fnord. Well, it used to be, but we haven't heard from him in ages. Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder. Proofing by the pre b4ta schoolers. (75131) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Got two glasses stuck together? Fill the inner one with cold water - and pop both in a bowl of hot water, and they should easily come apart. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive