we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 133: "AN AFTERNOON OF YOUR LIFE YOU WON'T GET BACK" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VIDEO - Man gets waxed * WEEBL - Shoots ginger bloke with laser * B3TA RADIO - Bukkake special ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Man waxing << Ross B and his friends enjoy pain. That must be the only explanation for them wanting all of their body hair removed on camera. Edited to the lovely music of Richard Strauss it kind of reminds us of the aversion therapy bit in Clockwork Orange. Now we vomit every time we see chest hair. http://www.rossb.co.uk/wax/ >> Weebl Laser fan club << Last week's Weebl and Bob superhero cartoon was so good that this week it has its own fan club. It's a particularly good episode, as it prominently features b3ta's ginger overlord Rob Manuel. http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/tle%20club.htm >> The dot game << You think you're pretty clever. You reckon you can handle pressure. But Shaun Russell is out to prove you a feeble-minded fool, with a simple game where the objective is just to click on the black dots with your mouse. Can you manage that? http://beatstelevision.com/dotgame/ >> Blue moon nymphs of pure sex << "Isaac Newton and Samuel Pepys", exclaims Jason Kovacs, "were the genesis of all the scientific knowledge that we take for granted today. So you owe it to them to discover how they visited the moon in 1679 in my flash animation." Hooray - we know stuff all about science but we like the blue moon nymphs. We want to ptui up on their moon tits. http://www.bluegeckolounge.com/jazzyjay/tothemoon.... >> Cannibal chase game << "Have you ever wanted to experience the thrill of being chased by cannibals?" booms Toby. "NOW AT LAST YOU CAN!!" They are quite small cannibals, but they ululate in a pleasing fashion as they chase you through a little tree maze. http://www.netcartoon.net/cannibals/cannibals.php ------------------------------------------------- : THE HUMAN ZOO Man has sex with car We got this image in our inbox last night - no explanation - no warning - and we didn't stop laughing for five minutes. Warning. Not safe for work. Unless you're a Tory MP. http://www2.b3ta.com/images/tailpipe.jpg ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA RADIO Your best put-downs & Bukkake Each week we do a cheeky hour of Radio on London station ResonanceFM. This week we're talking about the come-backs you're proudest of. Best stories include: * "A friend of mine had an argument with his Dad. He called him an 'old bastard'. His Dad replied with, "I would have sexually abused you as a child if you weren’t so fucking ugly.' (chuffster) * "Was out with a woman friend once when this happened. Random bloke, 'Ere, love, sit on me face.' Her, 'Why, is your nose bigger than your penis?' (isthisyou) * "I was seven, running around the garden, with a pointy stick. Suddenly my mum starts shouting from the kitchen, 'You'll have your eye out. What are you going to do then?' I replied 'I'll become a pirate mum!', and continued running around. (tef) Read all the stories here: http://b3ta.com/questions/bestcomebacks/ >> Bukkake music guest << We've also invited DogHorse - the singer songwriter genius of the "I Like Bukkake" track we featured the other week - into the studio to serenade us with his lovely voice. Watch the video again: http://www2.b3ta.com/bukkake/ Catch b3ta radio at 4pm BST today, Friday the 30th of April on 104.4FM in London, or via the live streaming web link: http://www.resonancefm.com/resonance.m3u ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Chipmunks gone bad << In the late eighties, Alvin and the Chipmunks were the cartoon animal band that had it all. This stylish animation returns to the group some 15 years on and the dream has very much gone sour. http://www.yorku.ca/casa/images/chipmunks.html >> South Park out-take << This is Trey Parker's version of an old joke called 'The Aristocrats'. Basically, the start of the joke and the end remain the same. What changes is the middle, where each comedian who tells the joke tries to cram in as much disgusting, filthy and shocking material as (s)he can think of. Apparently, the joke stems from older US comedians trying to mess with new fresh talent by telling this joke just before they went on stage - and it's now a comedy circuit in-joke. The joke itself isn't funny, but it's not meant to be, it's just meant to be so over-the-top shocking that you don't realise that the punchline is rubbish. "If you tell this joke, then the joke's on you" kind of thing. Anyhow, enough of this background bollocks, watch Cartman do his worst. http://van.envyfinancial.com/southparkjoke.wmv >> Naked men on the march << Heap of Trouble is a short film about naked men singing and parading through a Cardiff housing estate, recruiting other men to join them. The song is extraordinarily catchy and we're sure to be humming it ourselves. Possibly while parading naked through London housing estates, recruiting other men to join us. http://www.pureesoiree.be/Post/ >> Human pyramid photography << Jeff Linderoth has solved the problem of dull family photos. Give everybody something to do and you avoid the awkwardness of posed photography. What could be more relaxed and natural than forming a human pyramid? The weird thing? We're not actually joking. Look: http://www-unix.mcs.anl.gov/~linderot/fun/humanp.h... >> Best animated gif in the world << WOWOWOWOWO!!!!!1111 Cat lady dance. Dance cat lady dance. Once you've looked at this, eat your eyes. You'll have no use for them anymore. http://monpa.golfcross.com/dwc/world.html ------------------------------------------------- : BEST XML FILE EVER Not a feature we'll be running very often The lovely people at Impulse deodorant seem to have collected a list of their favourite swearwords and hidden it away on their website. It's quite a comprehensive guide and we recommend any ambitious young swearers out there study it thoroughly. For posterity, here's the full list in all its glory. Deep breathe now: shit, shite, fuck, fucker, fart, fanny, pussy, bosums, breasts, cunt, stab, kill, murder, cnut, twat, arse, tit, prick, cock, willy, bum, butt, spunk, bite, nipple, bloody, bastard, virgin, wank, shag, nob, cum, vagina, jism, gizz, muff, penis, plums, beaver, minge, anus, whore, spunk, gonads, bollocks, clit, bitch, slag, slut, felch, dick, penis, poo, wee, crap, piss, minger, munter, pubic, pubes, crabs, genital, wart, herpes, doggy, blowjob, suck, cunnilingus, fellatio, wanker, gaylord, pimp, felcher, fudgepacker, anal, gash, japseye, slut, slapper, bitch, burp, hole, smegma, labia, sphincter, hooker, prostitute, homo, pimp, gay, dyke, laid, quim, discharge, cum, gimp, filthy, shitter, bone, pump, rump, Swinger, Virginity, Lick, Missionary, 69, Fock, horny, moist, fcuk, lesbian, lezzer, lezza, vash, orgasm, Rim, Sack, Flaps, Starfish, Tripod, Scrotum, Lettuce, Finger, Bugger, Rape, balls, Donkey, snatch, mott. gary glitter, ball bag, axe wound, Give me one, I had him, I've had him, I had her, I've had her, I'd do him, I'd do her, I'd do you, Swing both ways, Bats for the other side, I like it dirty, Gang bang, Wanna do it?, I'm no virgin, I've done it, Wanna be my first?, I'm wet, Make me wet, At it, From behind, Bend over, Trouser snake, Tea bag, verticle bacon sandwich, bum bandit, marmite driller, vagina decliner, main vein, golden shower, gang bang, john thomas, bell end, sausage jockey, dirty sanchez, spit roast, chutney ferret, hairy pie, blow job, pork sword. See for yourself: http://www.impulsegoddess.co.uk/obscenities_list.x... ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Baby kittens Oh it's a cliché but it's still true - there is nothing in life cuter than a baby kitten. This one is cute almost to the point of being horribly ugly. Like drowning in pony brains. http://smith.dailyjolt.com/pictures/picture.html BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us at http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Commies Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted to see what would have happened if the commies had won the cold war: http://b3ta.com/challenge/ifthecommieshadwon/ We asked B3ta boarder 'Dr Phil Kitten' to judge the entries - here are her 3 faves. Dr Phil writes - #1 "Dissident Eraser - First entry, first class, first place. Absolutely brill. (Biriani) http://b3ta.com/board/3085131 #2 "Greetings From Kabul - A number of excellent entries from Mr d'Or, this one I picked at least partly 'cos it wasn't about Russia! (Beau Bo d'Or) http://b3ta.com/board/3086238 #3 "Who wants to be... - Uncanny. Looks like he captured Chris Tarrant and locked him up for years 'till the beard grew." (Duphrates) http://b3ta.com/board/3103508 "For no other reason than to prove I made it through 45 pages of entries, here's the now-traditional runner up: Monopoly by MentalPetey." http://b3ta.com/board/3112816 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, B3ta contributor DarrynR gave us the suggestion, "Photoshop Kenny Loggins" http://b3ta.com/challenge/kennyloggins/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * Smearing our shitty cock on your tits - we had a few complaints about the title of last weeks newsletter, so this week we've packed the main body of the newsletter with an equal, if not higher, density of filth and obscenity. Thanks again Impulse. ------------------------------------------------- : APOLOGIRS We nobbed it up Last week we were too excited by the prospect of finally losing our virginity to properly check the newsletter. First off the bloke in tights link is here. Have a look - it's still great: http://www.tights69.de/fantasyg_engl.htm Oh and we accidentally linked to a scam site flogging some crappy software as it had a similar name to the site we intended to link to. Anyways - if you're looking for bit torrent telly downloads then try suprnova.org ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * OMELETTE OR VOMLETTE - Cook eight omelettes laced with rancid pork. Photograph the foods. Feed them to eight friends. Photograph the ensuing chundering and turn it into a woosome quiz. Tune? The Divinyls' I Touch Myself makes us inexplicably grin. * MAN-COCK OR HORSE-COCK. This could be a nice day out. Visit a horse sanctuary and a gay sauna and bring your camera. Make a quiz etc etc. The tune obviously should be "I love horses." * HAMBURGER OR NANBURGER - an either/or quiz designed to test your abilities at telling the difference between granny flaps and McDonald’s finest beefs. All to the tune of The Beatles "When I'm 64". Maybe a couple of kittens at the top of the page to soften the tone. Er.. actually don't make this. We wouldn't link to it. Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by James Nugent, GigerVamp, Djol (great southpark write-up), StrangeQuark, Dan Mozgai, frothvixen, tricky_soul and Alexandra Balcazar. Top Tippery by 8-Ball. Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Board research by Fnord. Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder. Proofing by the zx b4ta spectrums. (74607) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: To clean a Thermos flask out, use the fizzy tablets that old people use on their false teeth. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive