we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 131: "FUCK OFF - ELSE WE'RE CALLING THE POLICE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * QUIZ - Cheese or Postbox? * VIDEO - Bukkake song * B3TA RADIO - Your celebrity insults ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Cheese or Postbox? << "I've always confused postboxes and cheese," confesses One, "So I made this - based upon Rob's Female or Shemale game." Blimey. We didn't want to like this - we thought "Who are they to bring mockery to our finely wrought quizzes?" But it's so stupid that we couldn't help but laugh. http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~pennck/pboc/# >> Bukkake Video << "I was reading the b3ta board," writes your ginger overlord Rob Manuel, "and saw that the very talented DogHorse had written a song about the traditional Japanese art of Bukkake. I liked it so much that I TYPED IN CAPS FOR 15 MINUTES and then made a flash video so that more people could hear it." Yay. The track is fantastic and the video is surprisingly work-safe. You'll be singing it under your breath in meetings for weeks - er... we were. Oops. http://www2.b3ta.com/bukkake/ >> Massive, home-made Creme Egg << "I missed getting this done in time," sobs GigerPunk, "as I was still about halfway through when you sent last week's newsletter out." Ah no worries. Sod topicality - we're sticking this in because your creation looks so bloody disgusting - we salute you and your nasty egg. http://eggy.ukgeeks.co.uk/c151421.html >> Virtual toilet << "I've made an animation," hisses Monkeon, "it's about a virtual toilet." Featuring the most joyous crocodile we've ever seen and a good pay off - the boy has done good. BTW: Someone important should really give Monkeon a break. His photoshop gags are without peer on our site. We'd love to see him get a book deal. http://www.monkeon.co.uk/vrwc/ >> Robots in love << "I," intones Tomsk, "I, have finally made something new." Woo. Thank fuck for that - we miss Tomsk's animations and games. His new one is sweet and charming and has a great soundtrack. http://www.mintimperial.com/robots/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA RADIO Insulting Celebrities This week we've asked you to tell us your stories about insulting celebrities. Frankly it's made us feel rather sorry for famous people and think it's no wonder half of them end up in such a mess. Our favourite comes from Supermore who writes, "Whilst on a piss-up in Romford, we were delighted to discover the radiant Martine McCutcheon was out with some friends in the same club as us. Unbeknownst to the rest of our group my friend approached her at the bar and started praising her singing and telling her how gorgeous she was. "He then told her what big fans of hers all his friends were, and how shocked we'd all be if she came up to say hi and pretended to know him. "Well, she's a game girl Martine, because about half an hour later she popped over to our table, pointed at my mate, squealed, and started hugging him like a long lost friend. "At this point he stood up and said 'Look love, I've told you a thousand times, fuck off and leave me alone before I call the police." The moral of this story is don't ever become famous - else stuff like this might happen to you. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/celebrity_insults/ You can tune in to B3ta radio from 4 to 5pm GMT on Friday on 104.4FM or tune in via the web by point Winamp or iTunes at this streaming link: http://www.resonancefm.com/resonance.m3u ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Electric whisk vs. Pulp Fiction theme << Fucking hell. You need to see this video. Two lads playing the theme tune to Pulp Fiction using only a guitar and a whisk. Inspirational and genius. If we worked in marketing we'd nick it for an advert for a movie channel. "Passionate about film?" etc. etc. http://www.coconut.se/indefinit/kay_o_ulukais_gura... >> Skateboarding dog << Any fool can put a pet on a skateboard and push it downhill, but Tyson the bulldog loves skateboarding - and he's good at it too. Check out the video, if only for the look of simple-minded delight on his doggy face as he goes whizzing past the camera. http://www.skateboardingbulldog.com/picsandmovies.... >> Ubiquitous baby << A simple, charming idea - take photos of celebs holding your smiling baby. The end result is a collection of cute celebrity pictures, along with the mystery of exactly whose baby Jeremy is... His proud daddy is always behind the camera, although there are tantalising hints in the gallery captions. http://whoisthatwithjeremy.com/_wsn/page2.html >> Geiger counter watch << Ever since we first played with a Geiger counter in school physics lessons we've dreamed of the day we could own one in wristwatch form. It would be fantastic device for making yourself utterly paranoid. "I'm not visiting you, Mum. The background radiation is too high." Finally our dreams have come true. Actually, we might just stick an egg box to our wrist and make clicking noises. That would convince our mum. She's not too teched up. http://www.polismart.com/model1.htm >> Satanic voices from the bowels of hell << "I was watching Newsround today," rasps MillywiggZ, "Yes I know it's shit but it's the only thing on before Neighbours. They were yapping about something called circuit bending. It's about creating fucked-up tunes by modifying old toys." Woo. We like the "V-tech Demonic Chit-Chat" mp3 best. It's like the Goat of Mendes humping a Sinclair Spectrum. http://www.circuitbenders.co.uk/ >> Did TV predict 9/11? << Well, probably not. But then again... The plot of this X-Files spin-off, screened in March 2001, centres around terrorists attempting to fly an airliner into the World Trade Centre. Not to spoil the plot for you, but if only the Lone Gunmen had been around on the actual day... http://snipurl.com/5qyw ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Mini Sheep In our great voyage to catalogue the cutest things in the world we've made a discovery: dwarf animals are wonderful. Last week we brought you tiny horses and this week we've found miniature sheep. The expression on the face of the second animal would probably make even Victoria Beckham smile. BTW: If you're an amateur genetic engineer, we'd really like to see midget giraffes. Actually - that's a great idea for a website. Imagine a version of b3ta run by out of work geneticists. Please - someone - make this happen. http://www.agrisupportonline.com/minisheep.htm BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us at http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : BIT TORRENT TV What we've been watching this week Bit Torrent rocks. Since Kazaa has gone down to shit it's the best way of downloading telly programs onto your computer for watching at your own leisure. To download stuff you need to install a client. There are many many, but for PCs we prefer ABC. http://pingpong-abc.sourceforge.net/download.html >> Millennium << Chris Carter - the creator of X-Files - put together Millennium in the late 90s. It's almost a period piece now, where you can wallow in the nostalgia that Nostradamus's predictions will come true. Odd to think the Y2K bug was to the 90s what the Cold War was to the 50s. Anyway, this site has been releasing one episode per day for the last two weeks. That should fill up some time between wanking and eating pizza. http://www.torrentz.com >> Angel << Pity us Whedon fans. First Firefly cancelled, then Buffy pulled and now Angel. Arses. Oh well, we've got five more episodes of Angel before the big bad closes the show for good. BTW: What is it with TV networks cancelling genre fiction in favour of reality shows? The rather promising Wonderfalls lasted only a derisory 4 episodes. Bah. We think production companies should bypass the TV networks and create a new Hollywood, based on DVD or possibly web distribution. http://www.torrents.co.uk/ >> Blake's 7 << We've always ignored Blake's 7, assuming it was a load of campy old crap from the 70s with wobbly sets. Noticed it on a torrent the other day and thought what the heck. Gosh. It's both compelling and bleak. The first episode features the hero being smeared with paedophile allegations. Two episodes are available via Suprnova, but to be honest we need to see the rest of it now. We're thinking of buying the DVDs. Maybe. http://www.suprnova.org/ BTW: We've got a theory that the most interesting TV is currently being made in Russia. If you've got a working torrents to stuff that'll make us gasp with disbelief then get in touch. ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Pointless DVD Extras Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted extra features on DVDs: http://b3ta.com/challenge/dvdextras/ We asked B3ta boarder 'jinxx' to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. Jinxx writes - #1 "Groundhog Day Uncut Collectors Edition - I guffawed heartily when I saw this, it had to have the top spot simply because I needed a cup of tea to calm myself. (CMU) http://b3ta.com/board/3022897 #2 "CG On/Off - Star Wars is rubbish, but we seem to watch it anyway - I think I'd watch more of it if there was an option like this. (monkeon) http://b3ta.com/board/3036442 #3 "Blessed Scene Selector - Probably the best scene selection menu in the history of time, a fine tribute to one of the best actors Blighty has ever produced. DIIIIIVEEEE!" (Thor_sonofodin) http://b3ta.com/board/3041727 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, B3ta contributor Pollollups gave us the suggestion, "Secret Government Departments" http://b3ta.com/challenge/secretgovernmentdepartme... ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * TESCO SUPER-HERO - "My girlfriend invited me to a fancy dress party," boasts James, "The theme was super-heroes and villains. Inspired by the B3ta competition a few months back I had no choice but to go as Tesco Value Man." James. We dare you to go shopping like that. http://www.radioprune.com/modules.php * MATCHSTICK ROCKETS - "I used to do that when I was a kid," squeaks MrMoose on reading last week's newsletter, "but instead of just one boring old matchstick, insert several into a cork, cover them each in foil and throw into the fireplace. Then you won't know where they're going to go! And it makes nice smoke-trails too if you turn the lights off." ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * HUMAN CATAPULTS - bungee jumping is so Pepsi Max 1990. * POWERPOINT DAD - a series of skits on the corporate father who uses glossy presentational software to explain why it's time for bed to his kids. * ANAL SWORD SWALLOWERS - we'd be impressed anyway. Maybe some bum fire eating as an encore. Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by Rob Parker, Friendlygiant101 and Harkins. Top Tippery by Mr Jada. Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder. Proofing by the bonkers b4ta conkers. (74950) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: If you get a bit of metal or something sharp stuck in your eye, get a friend to lick it out. The object will stick to their tongue and not get painfully pushed into your eye, like it would if you used your finger. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive