we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 130: "EASTER SPECIAL" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * ANIM - NSFW work of genius * ACTIVITIES - not to do over Easter * DILDOS - Dragon cock action ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Work of genius << Koit has been knocking about our boards for a while now - working on his songs and Traffic light animations. But with this one bit of work he's managed to capture our imaginations and take us with him into his special world by the power of sheer spasmoid tomfoolery. Warning: not safe for work. http://www.distaste.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/fc.html >> Down the back of the sofa << "Here's something my flatmates and I put together one Sunday evening." writes Social_Pariah. "It involves the time-honoured conundrum as to what is truly down the back of people's sofas." Jesus Christ, what a bunch of scumbags! Ladies - these men are yet unmarried, so get queuing. But bring your duster. http://www.geocities.com/social_pariah2003/index.h... >> Little old lady vs. the ghosts << Mr Mantlepies is quite clearly a freak. He won't allow you to use his toilet when you visit and insists you use the local pub. We imagine. Welcome to his strange world. "It's like 'The Others'" he boasts, "but with a bit more graffiti." http://www.mantlepies.com/predictable.html >> New York girl in Baghdad << We like Bobby Z. He has a rare gift for creating an epic on a shoestring. Here's another of his black-and-white dithered rock videos. This one has guns. http://www.alien-zoo.com/newyorkgirl.html ------------------------------------------------- : BOOK OF THE MONTH Dad's in Prison "One of my kids picked this book up at the library," Karen Knox, "and I happily started to read it before I realized what it was. How sad is the world we live in where being in prison is common enough to have a children's book about it? Sheesh!" It's appalling, Karen. We'd suggest going on a dirty protest. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/071365094... BTW: Found any unusual treats at Amazon? Email http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ and we'll share it with the world. ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA RADIO Inventions you're too lazy to make This week on B3ta Radio we had Wayne Hussey booked in for a chat and a couple of songs. Sadly he cancelled but rescheduled for the 23rd. So we're celebrating our Black Easter without the King of Goth. But the show's going to be fantabulous anyway, with loads of gothy music and the results of a rather enjoyable question of the week. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/inventions_youre_too... You can learn more about B3ta Radio and how to tune in here: http://b3ta.com/features/b3taradio/ ------------------------------------------------- : STUFF NOT TO DO OVER THE EASTER WEEKEND Unless you're bored or suicidal >> Build a bottle bomb << Kids - never mix chlorine and alcohol in a bottle and shake it up for kicks. This is what happens. One of the best videos we've ever seen. The comic timing is masterful. http://snipurl.com/5lv5 >> Go wok-boarding << Got an industrial size wok cluttering up the place? Why not take it to an airport and sledge it down the travelators? Looks dangerous, but surprisingly low in fat. We think they missed a trick in not using the lid as a hat. http://www.chiseen.com/vidshare/md/wok_boarding.ht... >> Fire matchstick rockets << Tin foil left over from your brain hat? Defend yourself from tiny aliens with matchstick rockets. Instructions here: http://www.matchstickrockets.com/ >> Construct a USB turd << What can't you attach to your USB port these days? You can get coffee warmers, toothbrushes, mobile phone chargers and pathetic disco lights. If you're keen on the latter, then you'll like these step-by-step instructions on how to build an ambient USB shit-light. http://www.emanator.demon.co.uk/bigclive/usbshit.h... ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Soundrec masterpiece << Staggered we were. There's minimalism and then there's being retarded. This is like Womble art, making a masterpiece out of things everyday folks leave behind. Soundrec is a much-unloved sound recording application that came free with Windows 98. http://mirrored.flabber.nl/winnoise/ >> A Break in the Road << This is a really clever twist on online music mixers. It's been re-imagined as a game where have to record the sounds of city life, make a track up and play it in a club. Extraordinarily clever stuff. http://www.lukewhittaker.co.uk/breakintheroad >> Fantastic face editor << No shortage of 'muck up a face' tools on the web, but we've never seen a finer example. With a bit of tinkering you can make your own authentic- looking freaks of nature. If only you could upload your own pictures, we think we might explode from sheer delight. http://www.morphases.com/editor >> Worst voice-over artist in the world << Kelvin Cheema is an actor, a man of man parts. His particular talent is that he's utterly shit at accents. Check out the cockney one. If BBC producers had the guts to employ him, their ratings would go through the roof. http://www.kelvincheema.com/index2.htm >> 'Fallen rappers' Pez << They took a bullet for hip-hop. Surely they should be immortalised in Pez-dispensing form. At least, so thinks this amateur product designer. We admire his chutzpah in approaching the confectionary giant, whose target audience is three to six-year-olds. http://www.centennialsociety.com/pez.html >> Square wheels << The Flintstones had square wheels. Now, thanks to modern science, so do we. Lovely smooth ride with flat wheels. Only problem - you need corrugated tarmac. http://www.sciencenews.org/articles/20040403/matht... ------------------------------------------------- : EASTER GIFTS For the err... special bunny in your life >> Dragon cock << Like Dungeons & Dragons? Like putting things up your bum? With this handy fellow, you'll be happy as a man with two cocks. Because one of them will be a dragon's. $80 to you, sirrah. The vibrating dragon egg is $20 extra. http://www.zoofur.com/dragon.html >> Fake blob kit << Trannies! Think it's not enough to wear size 10 stilettos, wax your chest and tuck your cock between your legs? A fake rubber vagina not far enough? Feel like a real woman, with synthetic menses. Woo. We've ordered a gallon, to re-enact Carrie at the local Evans's. http://www.rosesturn.net/mkit.html ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE #1 Results from the Conjoined Products Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Two weeks ago we wanted products to beat the frankly mind-boggling "Spepper" featured a while ago in this very newsletter. http://b3ta.com/challenge/gloots/ We asked B3ta boarder 'pollollups' to judge the entries - here are her 3 faves. Pollollups writes - #1 "Photo Gunge Booth - worth it for the sheer amount of detail. The passport is priceless. (monkeon) http://b3ta.com/board/2979977 #2 "Bird Greeder - Eww... but so compelling. Not sure I actually want one though. (Ishani) http://b3ta.com/board/2966682 #3 "Slimplast - quickly chopped together and the funnier for it, this product would sell in the millions." (Random Warrior) http://b3ta.com/board/2972641 "Finally Zineboy needs a special mention after creating 'Spasda' to sell his ideas to the gullible." http://www.johnfanzine.com/spasda/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Guide horses Some people have no shame. They are stealing blind people's guide dogs and swapping them for tiny horses. Can't argue they aren't cute, though. Especially all tucked up in bed with a middle-aged man. http://www.guidehorse.com/horses_house.htm BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us at http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE #2 Special Olympics Challenges Last week we wanted better events for the Special Olympics: http://b3ta.com/challenge/specialolympics/ We asked B3ta boarder 'Sheep!' to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. Sheep! writes - #1 "Downhill for the blind - The ever faithful dog's expression makes this one, plus some great shoppage. (geetoo) http://b3ta.com/board/2986525 #2 "Special Olympics Halted by Suicide Bomber - An offensive b3ta piccy compo? Make it more offensive just for good measure. Lovely. (Idid) http://b3ta.com/board/3004687 #3 "Incontinent Backstroke - Subtle and well executed....... and that's a lot of wee wee." (Carlos The Badger) http://b3ta.com/board/2987138 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, the challenge dictator gave us the suggestion, "Pointless DVD Extras" http://b3ta.com/challenge/dvdextras/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * BUSH WEB BLUNDER FAREWELL - The Sloganator was a feature of GW's reelection campaign that allowed you to individualise Bush posters with you own slogans. It was subverted on a massive scale, someone noticed and shut it down. This short collects some of the best as a farewell tribute. http://revbilly.com/revsite/sloganator1/sloganator... * HAYFEVER GAME - A couple of weeks ago we asked you for a game base on our seasonal rhinitis woes. Imagine our delight, when MakTheYak contacted us with this beautifully-realised creation, based on our suggestion. http://www.theyakshack.co.uk/index.php * GOADING THE DEAF - A while back we were after ways to easily insult the deaf. "Make a thumbs up sign with your right hand," replied Martin Lewis. "Place your right hand on the left palm. Waggle right hand as if using a Kempston joystick or some such." Apparently, this has just told your deaf companion that he's gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. We for one welcome our new deaf gay overlords. * BRIEFCASE CORNER - Last week's briefcase train set feature prompted reader Simon Jones to dig about in his attic. he came back to use with this gem: A briefcase that converts into record decks. Phat! http://tinyurl.com/2swnc ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * FAIRY SWATTING - made into a game that's as fun as it is in reality. * KITTEN-B-GONE - Who will rid us of these turbulent kittens? Surely modern science can come up with some sort of space-bleach? * DALEY THOMSON'S LACTATHLON - You are a baby. Waggle the joystick to stimulate the UK Olympic hero's milk ducts. Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by Patrick, Atomic-pigeon, Tim Collins, Fiscal, Cyril Spawned A Monster, Tony Howat, el Pollo Diablo, Thickey, Gwilym Webb, stymtex and Friendlygiant101. Top Tippery by Dave. Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Board research by Fnord. Image challenge led by Mike Trinder. Proofing by the burlap b4ta bum eggs. (74268) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: If you're poaching an egg, an idea is to add a little vinegar to the water. This helps the egg white retain cohesion and produce a more aesthetically pleasing lunchtime snack. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive