we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 125: "SANDWICH OF THE GOD" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * PHOTOS - Biggest sandwich ever * TOY - Make your photos jiggle * ANIMS - New shit from Weebl & Rathergood ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Biggest fucking sandwich ever << We envy Dan405 for he is blessed. This week, he bought a loaf of common white bread and found it to be sliced not vertically but horizontally, thus giving him the biggest slices of bread ever created by blade of poorly-set-up machine. He's used this gift to create a sandwich fit for the gods. It's a thing of wonder. http://www.danontherun.com/sandwich.htm >> Jiggle joy << "I've made a jiggle machine," writes JBoom, "So let your imagination run wild, go dig up some amusing pictures and animate them from the comfort of your armchair. OK, so most of you are obviously going to be jiggling filthy porn, but that's just fine." Great stuff. We haven't had a good interactive toy for a while. So here's one we made earlier. http://snipurl.com/4wfp >> Underground mayhem << "Recently me and my mates attended a posh dinner thing at the Tower of London," writes Elliott Ingram, "It ended early so we were up for a bit of pissing around on the Tube. I filmed it all on my phone." Wow. These guys slide down the central bit of a really long escalator. Er... and then they fall off. Woo. http://www.bornsloppy.co.uk/Underground%20Mayhem%2... ------------------------------------------------- : BOOK OF THE MONTH Saying Goodbye to Daddy Mums! Hard time dealing with the recent death of your partner? Why not break it to the kids in the form of a picture book? Right wing columnists! There could be a feature in this for you. "You couldn't make it up - it's political correctness gone mad etc..." http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/080757253... ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Smittens! << Some ideas are so perfect that we find evidence of God in man's own creativity. Ladies and gentlemen, we bring you smittens: The two-wristed glove for people in love. Wonderful. http://www.smittens.biz/what.html >> Mario tragimation << There's an anim scene on the web centered round taking visuals from old computer games and telling stories. Now normally, the work is pretty unsatisfying to anyone whose sense of humour has developed beyond, "Look! He's made Sonic say W00t!" This is an entirely different kettle of fish. Epic. http://www.deviantart.com/view/5142652/ >> Ivor the Engine cut-out-and-keep << The Welsh are famous for two things: Lost kangaroos skipping round the mountains and Catherine Zeta-Jones eating her own shit live on Japanese TV. Oh and kiddy telly classic, Ivor the Engine. Now you can make your own mini Ivor using only a colour printer and some scissors. Oh go on. It'll be a nice talking point for your desk. http://www.smallfilms.co.uk/ivor/makeivor.htm >> Hacking TV << You know those text announcements that scroll across the screen on cable TV? They've been hacked. The joy is the juxaposition of an oblivious newscaster and the juvenile jibing of the words. http://forum.soundillusions.net/showthread.php >> Crappy old public information films << "POLISH A FLOOR AND PUT A RUG ON IT? You might as well set a mantrap!" Ah, the often-terrifying advice of UK government-sponsored short films, designed to stop us being pedoed by perverts or run over by the ice-cream man. This selection of clips is a nostalgic treasure trove. http://www.625.uk.com/pifs/library.htm >> Jesus returns. Makes website. << Meet Ted R. Kurts. He set up a software company called Quest.com. Doesn't work there now though. Why not? He sold up when he realised he was Jesus. You'll be pleased to know he's started work on the third testament of the Bible and you can read it online. His writings on sex are somewhat more specific than the earlier works. He's against sex "doggie-style" and pro virgin brides. Sounds like fun. Wonder if he needs some disciples? http://www.tedjesuschristgod.org/tjcgttb/tjcgttb_i... >> When bears attack << Whenever we stick a funny video clip in the newsletter we feel sorry for the poor writers who work on shows like You've Been Framed. What the hell are you meant to say? The cliches come so easily: "They say never to work with children or animals..." Look, it's a grizzly bear twatting some poor woman in the face live on TV. Fuck everything else: Entertainment doesn't get better than this. http://www.media.ebaumsworld.com/index.php >> Accidental video game porn << Recently we've found it harder and harder to get off on conventional filth: donkeys munching girl cock is just getting dull. Thank God for this then: The occasional sighting of unintentionally erotic scenes in computer games. Clockwork Jesus! Our mancumbers could cut a diamond! http://www.ocf.berkeley.edu/~derekyu/pr0n/gallery.... >> Scissors Paper Stone - Pro Edition << Ever thought that Scissors Paper Stone was little limited? Why not extend your game with a lizard, or Spock from Star Trek? Er... We haven't been able to remember all the rules on this - but we're impressed that developers are still working to bring innovation into the moribund hand-based gaming scene. http://www.samkass.com/theories/RPSSL.html >> Tricksy ball game << Manflaps, this is tough. Sort the blue and red balls to either side of the screen. It's possibly a complex metaphor for racial harmony, suggesting that people of different colours should live in different parts of the world. Ban this sick filth now. http://www.collegemix.com/content.php >> Rodent eradicator << It looks like a metal detector and it kills ground squirrels. Er... So why are we linking to it? To celebrate the marketing stupidity of putting a really cute fluffy gopher at the top of the page. Doh. Don't personify the enemy - demonise them. We want nazi gophers fucking the corpses of our wives. No, really - we do! http://www.rodenator.com/ >> Pingu game history << Unless you've had your clicking finger lodged up a sparrow's anus for the past month, you can't have avoided the penguin tossing game and its many variants. This site collects them together and has a reasonable overview of the history. Does a better job than the official press release, which is whimsical to the point of utter unintelligibility. http://penguin.omnihosts.net/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA RADIO Have you ever started a fire? This week we asked if you've ever made something burn that you shouldn't have. And what a bunch of fucking pyros you all turned out to be. http://b3ta.com/questions/fire_burny_ouch_ouch/ You can learn more about b3ta radio and how to tune in here: http://b3ta.com/features/b3taradio/ BTW: We've invited Wayne Hussey of The Mission UK into the studio for a chat and to play some songs in April. So listen out for that. Oh, and if Robert Smith or Bill Drummond is out there then get in touch! Some say we're using the radio show as an excuse to meet our teenage heroes and they'd be damn well right. ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Awards, hats, solubility and unhappy singledom >> Weebl and Bob AWARDS << Jonti has had a tough old week. He's been trying to sort out his mortgage and the broker has pissed off on holiday and left it in chaos. Anyway - he loves his fans so he's still found time to make a new episode of his increasingly sophisticated but satisfyingly puerile series. Key bit? "I love you small twig." http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/awards.htm >> Girlie hat << "Hat hat hat hat hat hat hat hat," sings Olly, "I've made a hat." He certain has, and rather special it is too. Made entirely of FHM shots of glamourous girl-ladies all cut to a stylish Greek fisherman shape. Grrrrrrrreat. http://snipurl.com/4kbh >> Rathergood soluble song << Joel has been considering how his life would be different if his body became soluble. He's put his fears to music to communicate this foolish notion to the world. So don't throw a bucket of water over him and singing "ding dong the witch is dead" - mmkay? http://www.rathergood.com/soluble/ >> Depressing animation << "Hey," writes Geoff, "my name's Geoff and I made this. It's autobiographics." Oh dear. You poor love. Come here and sit on uncle b3ta's knee - just don't tell Mum. It'll be our little secret. http://substanceoverform.com/images/oldandsingle/o... ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Bats Bats are phat. At night they're scary and get tangled in your hair and fly into spy planes, but by day they look all defenceless and pathetic. Ooh, and you can adopt them too. An ideal gift for the goth in your life. http://www.batworld.org/adopt_a_bat/adopt_a_bat.ht... BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us at http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Rear Window Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted to see what was out your rear windows, and frankly we're scared: http://b3ta.com/challenge/rearwindow/ We asked B3ta boarder 'The Mighty Gusset' to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. The Mighty Gusset writes - #1 "Different sort of window - Sorry, but this is still raising a laugh - the outright winner! (Wombat Joe) http://b3ta.com/board/2808059 #2 "Third time's a charm - Just plain silly really, this has all the classic ingredients. (partypaul) http://b3ta.com/board/2823698 #3 "Mr Matisse loved his cat - gains third place for the cunning use of Art." (pyrogenius) http://b3ta.com/board/2826160 "Honorary mention must go to Nebby for judicious use of the Nolan Sisters." http://b3ta.com/board/2814806 >> This Weeks Challenge << This week, the Challenge Dictator wanted to know how to "Get Rich Quick": http://b3ta.com/challenge/getrichquick/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * RATHERGOOD US TV DOMINATION - anyone in the States can't have missed Joel's Quiznos TV commercial. It's based upon the "We Like The Moon" animation we launched in this very newsletter last year. We've been very amused by the reaction it's been getting. US radio boss John Hogan has denounced it as "obscene" and "oozing sexuality", whilst some Quiznos shop owners have taken out newspaper ads disassociating themselves from the work. This is not to say it's bad. This is - to use a crappy media term - noisy. Joel has done good on a scale that's really quite staggering. Read this overview and remember - it started on b3ta. http://snipurl.com/4wm5 * EVERYTHING'S BETTER WITH SPEPPER - couple of weeks ago we claimed that Spepper, a pre-blended mix of salt and pepper, was the "end of civilisation as we know it." The manufacturers got in touch and sent us some samples. And we have to say - this stuff isn't half bad. Bah, wrong again. Next week, er, er, the Porsche 911 - the "end of civilisation as we know it"? http://www.originalspepper.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * KITTU THE ESKIMOG - an animated series about a teeny weeny cat living in Greenland. Each day he has to break thru the ice to catch fish. And sometimes he has snowball fights with ice monkeys. * BILL ODDIE TRANCE ODYSSEY - a techno track featuring lots of tweeting bird call. And a video starring a lass with big tits. * SPACKERCOCKS - two dribbing cum-truncheons and their mongy misadventures in the cut-throat world of childrens' TV. Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by Insaneiain, Darren Kinder, Campbell Tyler Damian Schofield, Paul Robinson, and Andy Wells. Top Tippery by Sam Betts. Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Board research by Fnord. Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder. Proofing by the supine b4ta bovines. (72299) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: If someone has left a smell most evil in your bog, simply take a couple of sheets of toilet paper, light it and chuck it down the bowl just before it gets too dangerous to hold any more. The smell of burning will instantly cancel out the smell of anus, and it won't smoke much either. Alternatively, light a match. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive