we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 117: "WHY GERMANS LOVE POO" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * NUTTERS - Nottingham's Xylophone man speaks * BEST OF - B3ta's Greatest Hits from 2003 * KLINGON WEDDING - We found the photos ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > New Weebl & Bob << It's the New Year and everyone's fat, especially Weebl's friend Bob. Fantastic special effects in this episode and a great payoff. http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/diet.htm >> Best of b3ta 2003 << We collected a few of our favorite things launched in the newsletter over the last year. Then we put them together into a nice little web page for you to read. We are so good to you. Would you like an extra cushion? Perhaps a back rub? Happy finish? http://www.b3ta.com/features/bestofb3ta2003/ >> God's internet chartroom << "We have recovered the original IRC logs of the Bible!" spaketh PoofBird and Destrukto. "Written in Hebrew and Greek and thoroughly encrypted, we have not yet been able to decipher the complete texts, but we are close!" W00t, the herald angels sing. http://www.ircbible.destrukto-theater.nl >> Clay kittens II << The long-awaited follow-up to Richard Salter's fantastic game, Clay Kittens I. Animal cruelty isn't big or clever. But it is fun. Huzzah. http://www.richsalter.btinternet.co.uk/cks2/index2... >> Your brain vs. the drugs << Krunk has made a chilling educational video to show why you shouldn't take drugs. Frankly, we're terrified. But that might be because we've just run out of ketamine to snort up our bum-chutes. http://chrisrock1.bravehost.com/eggnpan.swf >> Local nutter interviewed << "Xylophone Man is a bit of a legend in Nottingham," writes Jared. "He can't play the instrument, but he can play the crowd." Yay. We want to see more of this kind of thing. Go out and talk to your local weirdo. Unless, of course, you are your local weirdo. Then you're probably doing that anyway. http://www.leftlion.co.uk/articles.cfm >> Spiderman trailer remix << Behold: a thing of strange and hairy wonder. Pippy has enhanced the current Spiderman trailer, airbrushing Tobey Maguire from history and inserting the hirsute, yet sensitive, features of Chump Manbear. http://www.technocellar.com/pip/spiderchump.mov ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA RADIO Have you ever broken the law? This week we're asking for stories about run-ins with the police. http://b3ta.com/questions/breakingthelaw/ We've also invited comedian Anneka Svenska into the studio for a chat. http://www.annekasvenska.com/annekasvenska/main.ht... You can learn more about B3ta Radio and how to tune in here: http://b3ta.com/features/b3taradio/ ------------------------------------------------- : GERMAN TOILET UPDATE Shit-catching-shelf explained. Last newsletter we asked our German readers why they use such unusual toilets? We've had several alternate reasons sent in: * To check for tapeworm infection. * To stop water splashing up your bum / fanny. * Germans have such a low fibre diet, so they catch the turds for reassurance that something has actually come out. * As everyone lives in apartment blocks, it's a noise reduction thing, deadening the sound of indiscrete plops. * So they can look for symptoms of colon cancer such as discolouration caused by blood. All sounds rather reasonable to us. We say sehr gut for krappensittens Deutschland. ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Jacko face mong << Think you could do a better job arranging Jackson's face than the plastic surgeons, or even Big Todd in the Alabama jail he's probably going to end up in? Now's your chance. Simple but joyful. Much like pre-teen bum fun. http://www.alexanderband.dk/dragson/index.htm >> Flying aeroplane thingie << The Red Arrows eh? Weren't they great? All that whooshing was flipping tops. Relive the fun without the wet weather and occasional mass fatality. http://www.ertdfgcvb.ch/p1/fly_2_loader.html >> Casio watch chic << Geeks! Bored of your iPods and wi-fi tentacle rape? The cool kids are wearing cash-in merchandise from 70s TV shows. Frankly, this collection of tat gives us sexual pangs we haven't felt since Janet Ellis presented Blue Peter. http://mysite.freeserve.com/70s_watches/a_m/a_m1.h... >> It's like drawing... on acid << This bloke took some LSD and attempted to pencil a drawing every hour or so. "Upon completing the drawing the patient starts laughing, then becomes startled by something on the floor." Great stuff. Readers: Take drugs and document yourself attempting simple tasks. We command you. http://www.cowboybooks.com.au/html/acidtrip1.html >> Robot arm game << Ever felt your life was like being a robot crane condemned to spend an eternity picking up springs in increasingly difficult places? No? Then see how the other half live. It's fucking great. They live like pigs in shit. http://www.tonypa.pri.ee/robootik_e.html >> Mini helicopter << There's two types of men on this planet. Those who like big things and those who like small things. This guy likes small things. Building tiny helicopters to be exact. The best bit? They actually fly. Oh and the craply dramatic music as he flies his creation around his living room like a tiny Airwolf. http://pixelito.reference.be/ >> Edible case mod << Picture this: a computer case made entirely of gingerbread. What could be nicer for the kids? It's obviously owned by a witch. Sinister, but delicious. http://www.mini-itx.com/projects/gingerbreadvillag... >> Cats in blenders << For the last 15 years credulous nincompoops have been passing around pictures of kittens in jars going, "stop this cruel filth." Today they have a new enemy: cat milkshakes. http://images.cavakillaz.com/PTK1.htm >> Best Video Ever << Imagine pitching this: A beautiful giantess lady writhing on the floor in her unmentionables while sky-diving babies fall from the heavens to be enveloped in her enormous lady chest. This is how video directors spend their days and we want in. http://snipurl.com/3qms >> Klingon wedding << Last newsletter we showed you a Klingon wedding in Las Vegas and asked if you could get us more pics. You did. You rock. And this wedding rocks like that creature Spock mind-melded with in episode 6, original series. http://www2.b3ta.com/mirror/klingonwedding/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Christmas Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last time we wanted your take on Christmas cards: http://b3ta.com/challenge/christmascards/ We asked B3ta boarder 'Techie Blob' to judge the entries - here are her 3 faves. Techie Blob writes - #1 "Yay for Christmas - It's cruel and sadistic but funny.. (Zak McFlimby) http://b3ta.com/board/2530493 #2 "Untitled - Funny and so, so true.. (parm) http://b3ta.com/board/2521175 #3 "Forgive me, but I've not yet got into the Christmas spirit - The pun is strong in this one. Very very funny. That is all.." ('tin'tintin) http://b3ta.com/board/2521696 >> This Weeks Challenge << This week, the challenge dictator gave us the suggestion, "Come-back TV" http://b3ta.com/challenge/comebacktv/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups to previous stories. * NAKED MPs REACHES THE PAPERS - front page and the centre colour pages in the Sunday Sport, and the subject of a "who the hell did this?" phone-in on BBC Radio 2. Well done Sick Boy. If b3ta gave knighthoods you'd have two. http://www.b3ta.com/board/2528047 * CRAP NOKIA AUCTION - Last year Nik Roope gave us his version of a hands free mobile, and now's your chance to own the original model. Place your bids on eBay. http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll * NAKED MP SWISS TRIBUTE - "Swiss politics may be pretty strange and far away," writes Jan, "but just to show how b3ta gets into everything, including Swiss politics of all things, here is the link." Fucking hell. Some of these pics are rough. http://www.web-laun.ch/laclassepolitique2004/overv... * KIDDY FLASH THANK-YOU - "Just a quick note to thank you for listing my students' flash animations on your site," scribes Mr. Manzo of the Notre Dame Catholic High School, "I showed them and they were ecstatic." Champion. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * A reader to have a sex change and document it in a blog. * Otters with trotters. * Someone to invent a new cheese. Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by numseland, ~Nudger, rhcpaul, the bonzo dog, popbitch, kemptcomms and Katie (for the Klingons) Toilet trade: Stuart Judd, Quinten Snijders, Roger, Bustab, Pewit, John Paul Wilkinson, Danny Kendall, mysticmurray, adam, Tom Miles, Paul Ulm, San, Luke & Brice Nick. Top Tippery by Chris, the invisible mute. Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Board research by Fnord. Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder. Proofing by the warm b4ta leatherettes. (72866) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: When drinking a can on the move, don't open it fully, instead just break the seal and suck the drink out. This way, it stops you from spilling it everywhere whilst walking, driving, bouncing on a trampoline etc. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive