we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 116: "SOD WORK. READ OUR CHRISTMAS SPECIAL" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * WEEBL - Bonjour Monsieur * CALENDAR - Naked MPs * GAME - Shuffle the Penguin ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Bonjour monsieur << Jonti's star is rising by the second. First there was Weebl and Bob, then Badgers took over the world, and now? A French-influenced bit of brightly coloured europop. We particularly like the way Jonti has reduced the the art of song-writing to the repetition of one word. We throw the word genius at him and he just shrugs and mutters. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/26/ >> Naked MP calendar << Want to know what's happening inside the House of Commons this afternoon? All the MPs are going, "Fucking hell. Have you seen that naked MP calendar on the web? They've made old Prescott look like a right twat. And Portillo. I didn't realise he was a bottom." Thank sickboy for this bit of aceness. http://www.sigsy.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/calendar/ >> Spectacle quiz << Think you know your glasses? Then put it to the test with Dr. A's update of Rob Manuel's Name That Beard format. Dr. A writes, "Despite the mild spoofing of Sale of the Century, I have carefully avoided any references to Nicholas Parsons regardless of the inherent comedy value. This is because he was rude to one of my friends when he was little. Cunt." http://ashen.purplepixie.org/ashen/cartoon/specs.h... >> Johnny Cash tribute << In 2003 we said goodbye to the boy named Sue, Mr Johnny Cash. Santexo pays tribute in the only way he can: with monkeys. Oddly touching, especially towards the end. Much like our Uncle Clarence. http://www.apsv04.dsl.pipex.com/desperado.html ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA RADIO Best tunes of 2003 On this week's B3ta Radio we'll playing the best tunes made by b3ta people this year. Also we're doing a Top 25 links thingie. It's going to rock. Tune in. http://b3ta.com/features/b3taradio/ ------------------------------------------------- : HAVE A B3TA CHRISTMAS Skip this bit if you're bored of seasonal stuff. B3TA people have been making fuckloads of Christmas themed material this week. Here are our favourites. >> Penguin game << "I've built a game," writes Paul, "called Shuffle the Penguin. Just get as many penguins down the hole in a row to get a high score." Woo. This is a class bit of work. We don't deserve it. http://playerthree.net/shuffle.php >> Alternative Nativity << "I made an alternative to the school nativity play," says Matt, "you know, the one we were all made to act in at school... (I was a sheep once)." Yay. Nice pay off on this one. http://www.webroo.org/xmas/nativity.htm >> Worst Christmas song medley << Think you know how bad Xmas songs are? Thank God you don't live in Phil Price's head where they loop for all eternity while small pigs jig like broken clockwork toys. http://www.philprice.net/flash/xmasbonanza/ >> Kittens on crucifixes << "Weeeee!", screams Joel, "I've made an offensive-to-christians rock'n'roll Christmas card thingy!" On pointing out to Joel that Jesus was actually crucified at Easter he said, "I quite like the way it's seasonally inappropriate. What's Christmas all about after all, if not rock music and crucified Godchild kittens?" Yes, quite. http://www.rathergood.com/christmas/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Marketing errors << We all heard the recent story of Sharwoods' campaign to brand its sauce as Punjabi word for "arse". This site collects the best of similar gaffes over recent years. It's gold we tell you. If you don't love the fact that in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off" then frankly you're a big poo. http://www.i18nguy.com/translations.html >> Star Trek wedding << Girls! What did you dream of when you were a child? Growing up and marrying a Klingon on the bridge of the Starship Enterprise? In Vegas everything is possible. BTW: We would LOVE to see more photos of this wedding. Can anyone help? http://www.vegas.com/weddings/hotelchapels/lvhilto... >> Blobby woo game << Describing games is tough. Normally we resort to the simple trick of "it's Tetris meets Eastenders. Dirty Den plays a mean L shaped block with a grudge..." But for this we're lost for words. All we know is that it's blobby, it's wooey and it's a whole damn multiplayer bang-bus of of fun. http://www.globulos.com/ >> Naked chick body-paint party << "I've found this site with loads of ladies having airbrush fun and I'm fascinated," writes Ali, "I want to go to this magic place and be painted myself!" So do we Ali. So do we. http://www.bigeasychoppers.com/festival2.html >> Caravanners Are People Too << "We are launching a campaign to secure equality and respect for caravanners", writes Bobanddenise, "We are sick of the envy and jealousy that plagues the caravanning community and we are fighting back." Ok this is all a put-on, but we sound several laughs here. Expect to see this winding up the gullible for months to come. http://www.bobanddenise.co.uk/index.htm >> A policeman with a sense of humour << This site asks you to fill in a form if you've committed a crime and wait for the police to come and arrest you. Fair enough we thought. Someone has made a funny form. But no. This is actually on a real police website. Ok - they are having a laugh but it's all a bit odd isn't it? Policemen aren't meant to be endearing. http://www.eastpointpolice.org/SelfArrestForm.htm >> Windows 1.0 << Windows. Like it or lump it most of us are stuck with it on a daily basis. But you probably haven't ever seen the first version from back in 1985. It's like seeing photos of Hitler as a baby. http://snipurl.com/3hk2 >> German toilets << Can anyone tell us why German toilets have a shit plate that catches the turds? We're curious. We know we've got lots of German readers. Tell us why Germany is the best place to crap in Europe and we'll stick the best answer in the next issue. http://www.spies.com/~scott/misc/toilet.htm >> Don't buy kids CDs << What do kids want for Xmas? Apparently not the latest CDs. They've already got the MP3. This site advises the kids to take back their unwanted CDs and buy a spindle of blank disks. Huzzah. http://www.whatacrappypresent.com/ >> Trim your boy quim << Ladies have been removing their pant moustaches since the 70s. Now it's the boys' turn. Jesus Christ - if we didn't have enough to worry about already. We've gotta keep our pubes in check too? Fuck the 21st Century, we're off to live on a lesbian art collective in Holland. http://www.balltrimmer.com >> Undramatic PC Experiment << What happens if you pour a litre of Diet Coke on your PC? It short-circuits and blows your mains. This is not a surprise. But the stupidity and pointlessness of this exercise put a big gay grin on our faces. http://forums.hexus.net/showthread.php >> When schoolkids make Flash << "Check out these student Flash music videos created for Mr. Moyers' class at Notre Dame Catholic High School in Fairfield, Connecticut, USA!" intones Kevin Siu, "They're like a pre-school version of B3TA. I bet they have no idea how awesome they are. This one with robots is amazing." http://www.notredame.org/media/flash/crisci.swf "All are brilliant, if you've got a bit of time then check them out." http://www.notredame.org/Pages/gallery/flashmusic.... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA JOB CLUB Review porn sites for cash "Hello B3TA people.", writes Mr Info, "Thought you might be able to help me find a bunch of wankers. I'm looking for people willing to review porn sites." Blimey. We don't normally take requests like this but we thought we've probably got some readers who would quite enjoy this. So if you get the job - tell us how you get on. http://www.selfloversguide.com/index.php ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the National Suicide Week Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted promotional material for National Suicide Week: http://b3ta.com/challenge/suicide/ We forgot to ask anyone to judge this week's challenge, so here are our favourite entries: #1 "In case of suicide - Quick, dirty and made us laugh. What more do you need? (Citizen Loz) http://b3ta.com/board/2487703 #2 "Coleman Landslide - Manic's political slant never lets up, and here he's certainly got a point. (Manic) http://b3ta.com/board/2482463 #3 "Novel Methods #2 - Deeply silly and lovingly animated. We want a whole series of these on TV now. Pretty please." (Amaryllis) http://b3ta.com/board/2501657 Special Mentions: Monkeon's bus service to "Enditall" is genius, and PGMT's T-Shirt is one we'll be wearing this christmas: http://b3ta.com/board/2513896 http://b3ta.com/board/2493217 >> This Weeks Challenge << This week, we're feeling all christmassy and are making christmas cards. http://b3ta.com/challenge/christmascards/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * FEMALEORSHEMALE TV - Did you catch the media hoo-hah over the "Something About Miriam" show, where punters had to compete to win the affections of a beautiful young model? Obviously what they didn't say was Miriam had a cock. Also what they didn't say was that over 100 million of you have already seen Miriam when she starred in our Female or Shemale quiz. Compare the 3rd photo down on the right with the picture in the Guardian. Same er.. bloke. Oh and if you really want to scare yourself then type victoria129 into Google Images... http://www2.b3ta.com/femaleorshemale/ http://media.guardian.co.uk/broadcast/story/0,7493... * GUARDIAN BRITISH BLOG AWARD - we were pleased to see B3TA's Santexo pick up an award in the Best Design category. Go Santexo. We want to see more monkeys. http://www.thebigsmoker.co.uk/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * BIG GAY ROBOTS - that bum rape for Xmas. * LESBIAN SOCKS - you know what we mean. * AN EXTRA HAND - our right one is busy... Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with little David Stevenson Links sent in by Jason Brown, Ali Gothard, fredthehat, Sharruma, ChaosTime, Paul Somewhere in 'effing Germany, Blogdex, pkillian, Joshua Waller and Kevin Siu. Top Tippery by Dutchbird Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry Board research by Fnord Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder Proofing by the mossy b4ta posse (72514) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Having difficulty opening a bottle of champagne? Try holding the cork and twisting the bottle. Much easier. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive