we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 107: "TOM BAKER SWEARS. LIVE IN YOUR INBOX" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * B3TA KIDS - A link for the toddlers * OLD GAME SPESH - Three retro games spazzed up * POTTERY - Lionel Richie tribute in clay ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Frankenstein's Monster << Mr Wheatley has been riffing on the legend of Frankenstein and come up with this amusing variation. The style is quite unusual for flash, with a nice pay off too. http://www.mrandmrswheatley.co.uk/barnabystales.ht... >> Mixmaster Woof << "This is my dog Jack," chirrups Geoff, "The picture is really him and the barking sounds are his voice." Yay. Got a few giggles from us. Do any of our other readers have such talented pets? http://www.substanceoverform.com/misc/jackdog.html >> Wobbly drawings << "I have just put together a little site," coos Amaryllis, "showing the collection of animations I have made." Gosh. These aren't belly laughs but the technique is simply charming. http://www.sketchyanimation.com/ >> French pop << "Alors!" gesticulates Sev, "remember the toy dog singing disgusting French pop? We've made another one singing a beautiful James Brown song." We love the summery style on this. Huzzah for Europe. Where would we be without it? http://www.magentaprod.com/machineasex.ram ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA KIDS Send this link to a small child >> Octopus's Garden << "I've made a cartoon for my daughter," confides Darryn.R, "based around the Beatles song Octopus's Garden." We asked the nicecupofteaandasitdown children what they thought: "Thumbs up from the boys," writes TheWife, "they interrupted their bedtime story to watch it." "George (age 3) observed that you don't get flowers or birds under the sea, but you can get monsters. Art (age 2) bopped and thinks the octopus is huge. Can they have Maxwell's Silver Hammer next?" http://www.darlingonline.com/garden.html ------------------------------------------------- : RETRO GAME RE-MAKE CORNER This week b3ta people have been remaking old games in their inimitable style. >> Luna Lander << "I've made a Lunar Lander clone," bleeps Chad, "cleverly titled Asteroid Lander." Yay. This looks utterly lovely and is extraordinarily tricky to play. http://oakenfold.ca/content/spaceship.html >> DHTML Boulderdash << Following on from the recent web hit DHTML Lemmings, Gareth Williams brings you his version of the rock dodging classic Boulderdash. http://www.boulderdash.co.uk >> Asteroids with Cocks << Thanks to Mr Wheatley for updating gaming classic Asteroids with the cunning addition of burps and penises. http://www.mrandmrswheatley.co.uk/spacecocks.html ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF #1 Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Tom Baker swears << Yay. We hear that Doctor Who is coming back on telly. Of course it'll be shit and and annoy all the fans. Duh. But fuck that. For this is a golden age: the moment of perfect anticipation before disappointment. Celebrate in style with these outtakes of Tom Baker doing v/o on an advert. Favourite line? "Are you sure this is not a translation from the fucking Albanian?" A showbiz trouper until the last. We salute Tom. http://snurl.com/2jto >> Lionel Richie clay head << Remember the video to Hello? The nice blind lady modelled Lionel's head in clay. How romantic. This man attempts to do the same. But he's crap at pottery. The final result is beautifully cack-handed - looking like a monster from Buffy. http://www.macalester.edu/~harman/lionel/ >> Bear on a trampoline << Yay for animal interest stories. This poor bear got stuck up a tree. The best way to get him down? Apparently shooting him with a tranquilizer dart and letting him fall onto a trampoline! Oh - we're saying too much. Watch the mpeg. http://www.komotv.com/qt/bouncing_bear.mpg >> Gaming nostalgia vid << Weren't the 80s great? If we weren't snorting Tip-Ex thinner, we were phoning up the operator and singing Sade songs. Relive the decade with old arcade game jump animations set to the synth rock of Van Halen. Mighty. http://www.powerstrike.net/Tehkan/mamejump.html >> "Please hold" voice-over megamix << This is utterly great. Don't ask us why. It kept us giggling for about 10 minutes playing with all the options. ...and even offers a wealth of agricultural haulage solutions. http://www.pleasehold.co.uk/musicvoice.htm >> Social hygiene poster << Teenagers eh? If they aren't carjacking BMXs or injecting marijuana into their spines, they're spunking spunk sauce onto their bedsheets. This 1920s US health poster knows the score. BTW: If you cover the chin with your thumb - he looks like Gary Barlow. Try it. That's interactive entertainment. http://digital.lib.umn.edu/IMAGES/reference/swhp/S... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY FOREIGN NAME CORNER One thing the web throws up is people with stupid names. Last year the kids were going wild for Randy Bender. This year? Let us introduce you to your new heroes: >> Martin Wank << Want something to read? Try "Sex, Freud and Folly" from Martin Wank. The Amazon reviews are pretty much what you'd expect: "With this seminal work, the author demonstrates his firm grasp of the subject. Although he tosses off the occasional cliche..." Etc. Etc. http://snurl.com/2jrz >> Gaye Males << Not much info on the site but apparently she's got "eighteen years experience and professional approach with clients." Hoorah for Gaye Males. We adore Gaye Males. Etc. Etc. http://www.coldwellbankerpbr.com/males/ BTW: Honourable mention must go to David Lynch's assistant, Gaye Pope. ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF #2 More stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Gallery of "misused" quotation marks << This is old but gold. A catalogue of inappropriately used quotation marks. Manages to make most things sound like some sort of disgusting euphemism. Despite this, our favourite one? "No dogs" permitted. http://www.juvalamu.com/qmarks/ >> Comb-over gallery << Bored of mullets? We hope you are. That was so Grand Royal '92. The hip kids are clicking on the comb-overs now. Next year? Nostril hair. http://www.combovers.co.uk/gall5.html >> ShockCase (tm) << Last week we brought you the briefcase that doubled as body armour. This issue's 'briefcase of the week' delivers a 50,000 volt shock to thieves via a remote control. Shame it looks like something Adrian Mole would have taken to school. Or is that just a cunning ruse? http://www.espymall.com/remconshocbr.html >> Greenpeace ad << "Check out this latest Greenpeace film," brags Lale Gurel of Greenpeace, "about how to ward off an alien." Blimey - a corporate viral thing that's actually funny. Features Eddie Izzard, which may be why. http://www.greenpeace.org.uk/aliens/watch.htm >> Hypnotic wankfest << When a man buys a graphics tablet the first thing he draws is a penis. Posh kids that buy Flash animate them to full wanking glory. Yay - for this is web creativity at its finest. http://www.otogai.com/gallery/masterbater.swf >> Make your own iPod << Are you too povo to buy an iPod? We're not. We've got a whole house built of iPod bricks. Want to be like us? Simply print out this page and wrap it round a fag packet. You'll get so much sex you'll literally explode. http://www.mijnkopthee.nl/images/cheap_ipod.jpg >> Teddy bear toy << Imagine a world where you could pile teddy on teddy in a huge triangular formation and then topple them like cards. Imagine not. Live your dream of teddy bear Valhalla: http://www.nobodyhere.com/toren.hier ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Conjoined Celebrity Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted badly glued together celebs, and we weren't disappointed: http://b3ta.com/challenge/conjoined/ We asked b3ta boarder 'popt_art' to judge the entries - here are her 3 faves. Ms Art writes - #1 "Shakin' Stephen Hawkings - It really does make you wonder, just what was behind that green door? Actually, I'd love to hear a Shakey song done in Stephen Hawkings voice. (VampireMonkeyOnSpeed) http://b3ta.com/board/2070935 #2 "Arafatboy Slim - Out of over 1170 images, one of a handful that actually made me laugh out loud.. (Okeechobee) http://b3ta.com/board/2045631 #3 "Kenneth William Shatner - Matron!!!!" (stefd) http://b3ta.com/board/2049887 "Oh, and this is a pretty awful photoshop, carried out with massive aplomb that made me laugh like a loon. Respect to Mr. Sheep and the Michael Bolton Wanderers" http://b3ta.com/board/2060921 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, a shadowy black-clad figure crept up behind us, held a thousand year old hand-wrought blade to our throat and gently whispered "Ninjas" before slipping back into the darkness. http://b3ta.com/challenge/ninjas/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * DIALOGUE-BASED ANIMATED COMEDY - it's tricky to pull off but if you crack it then, quite frankly, the world will beat a path to your door. Using dirty great piles of cash to do it. * LEGO FUCK MACHINES - every other type of porn has been done. Well not bukkake. Hmmm. Lego bukkake... * AMAZON API STUFF - there's a ton of data to mess with. Codey types: Have a think about this stuff. It's all to play for. Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was edited by Hugh Janus with Ullick McHunt. Links sent in by Kirsty Jardine, Zombiemonkey, Paul Harper, Jon F, dustjunky, acidman, Grey Triggerfish, Kimbal, Brendan Collins and Scott Randall. Top tippery from WhoElse. Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Board research by Fnord. Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder. Proofing by the remixed b4ta badgers. (70385) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: If someone in your household has a flu, reduce the risk of infection for others by leaving half a fresh onion about. Apparently it'll draw the bacteria out of the air. Something to do with sugars, we're told. Replace as needed. Alternatively, you could just slaughter them and burn their carcasses in your lounge. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive