CB TRUCKER'S GUIDE TO SNAPPY PUT-DOWNS AND ROADSIDE ROASTS ========================================================== A Handbook for the Open-Road Trash-Talker Published: February 28, 2025 Author: Daniel Conderman Context: Recovered Conderman.Group humor handbook Original URL: https://conderman.group/2025/02/cb-truckers-guide-to-snappy-put-downs-roadside-roasts-a-handbook-for-the-open-road-trash-talker/ FOREWORD: KEEP YOUR CB HOT AND YOUR INSULTS HOTTER ------------------------------------------------- The road is long, the loads are heavy, and sometimes a good CB roast session is the only entertainment on the highway. Whether clapping back at a slowpoke, calling out a rookie, or keeping the airwaves lively, keep it fun and light. If they cannot handle the heat, they should not be idling in your lane. 1. CLASSIC CB COMEBACKS ----------------------- * Your truck's got more rattles than a daycare at nap time! * You drive like my granny... and she's been in reverse since '92! * Your gears grind louder than your ex-wife's lawyer! * Your rig's so slow, I passed you in a parking lot! * I'd tell you to put the hammer down, but I see you already lost it! 2. MOMMAS, WIVES, AND HOME-ALONE ROASTS --------------------------------------- * Your wife's like a rest stop -- everybody pulls in, but nobody stays too long! * You been out so long, even the dog don't recognize you anymore! * Your old lady's got more traffic than the weigh station on a holiday weekend! * Your kid calls your dispatcher Dad now! * I'd ask if your wife misses you, but she's too busy to answer! 3. SLOWPOKES, FOUR-WHEELERS, AND ROAD HOGS ------------------------------------------ * You're so slow, I could've delivered and retired before you hit the next exit! * You must be paid by the hour, 'cause you sure ain't paid to move! * I'd flash my high beams at you, but I don't wanna wake you up! * Your truck's so weak, even the speed-limit signs are laughing! * If you go any slower, I'm gonna start charging you rent on the highway! 4. ROASTING DISPATCH AND THE BOSS MAN ------------------------------------- * My dispatcher's idea of quick pay is a calendar with no dates! * You want me to haul what, where, and for how much? You been sniffing diesel fumes again?! * I got a better chance of seeing Bigfoot than a fair load from this company! * Dispatcher says "just one more stop" like I don't know that's a lie! * My paycheck's lighter than my empty trailer! 5. ONE-LINER SPEED-ROASTS ------------------------- * Hammer down, or pull over and start a garden! * Your truck's got less power than a used-up AA battery! * You drive like you just Googled how! * Your fuel tank's got more leaks than your dispatcher's promises! * I've seen tighter turns in a kindergarten parking lot! AFTERWORD: KEEP IT FUN, KEEP IT ROLLING --------------------------------------- CB smack talk is an art, a tradition, and a fine way to pass the time. In a heated exchange or while merely dropping laughs over the airwaves, keep it light, clever, and unserious. Now get back on the road and keep those one-liners coming. 10-4, good buddy!