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community weblog
Dreaming of a home
I do not like new construction, or renovations of nearly any kind; those little rectangular backsplash tiles that have become synonymous with affordable real estate fill me with a kind of nameless dread. I think people who see "stainless steel appliances and granite countertops" as a positive should be sent to re-education camps run by septugenarian homosexual vintage furniture dealers. I would gladly vote outside my party for any gubernatorial candidate who ran on a platform of making it a crime to install grey hardwood flooring in the state of California, and I would rather breathe benzene directly from a bag than own an electric stove. Like Glenn Danzig, I have many strong opinions. That time writer Julieanne Smolinski took her boyfriend and baby to see an open house that just happened to belong to musician Glenn Danzig, founder of The Misfits among other things.
posted by Bella Donna on Dec 05, 2025 at 7:29 AM
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Apparently his house was not fit for his....mother.
Mother
Tell your children not to walk my way
Tell your children not to hear my words
Because my house is gross.
Not about to see your light
But if you wanna find hell with me
I can show you what it's like
To not maintain the yard.
Mother!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:39 AM
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By the way, every line by the realtor reads like that counselor guy from Bob's Burgers- Mr Frond.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:40 AM
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The real estate market in Los Angeles exploded in the years after that open house, to the point where a million dollars for a heap of haunted mesothelioma near Little Dom's seems like a pretty incredible deal.
Base price of $1m for what sounds like a dump. 'Exploded since then'. Sure.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:42 AM
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On top of the (black) fridge in the kitchen was a single box of Count Chocula cereal.
Perfect.
posted by adamrice at 7:51 AM
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On top of the (black) fridge in the kitchen was a single box of Count Chocula cereal.
Every once in a while I read something that outclasses me so amazingly that I can't even position myself in the same universe as the writer.
posted by Literaryhero at 7:52 AM
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Damnit! Jinx!
posted by Literaryhero at 7:52 AM
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I didn't see any photos in the Substack post but Consequence of Sound has some.
And the Count Chocula box is there.
posted by JoeZydeco at 7:53 AM
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It never sold and seems to have remained in the same condition.
Which is cool and all, but I hear a lot of people in LA need a place to live and it could also be pretty cool if someone could actually live there.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 8:03 AM
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Thank you JoeZydeco and Mr.Know-it-some, I appreciate those links!
posted by Bella Donna at 8:12 AM
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In Halpern's retelling, the trouble started when a neighbor told Danzig that he was bringing down property values by not cleaning up the bricks. According to Halpern's wild story, that exchange prompted Danzig to start "hurling bricks into the dumpster" while wailing, "Here I am, motherf—ker, just cleaning up my motherf—king bricks!"
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 8:23 AM
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I think people who see "stainless steel appliances and granite countertops" as a positive should be sent to re-education camps
Is this the kind of sentiment that is good to express, even as a joke?
posted by cyanistes at 8:45 AM
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I mean it's certainly on-brand for Substack.
posted by turbowombat at 8:49 AM
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Smolinski one of the funniest people alive and longstanding crushee of mine. Thanks for spreading her work here!
posted by Kwine at 8:53 AM
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And the Count Chocula box is there.
Along with a Frankenberry box!
I first heard of Danzig via Beavis and Butthead; so it seems apt that the house looks like a place that duo would feel right at home in.
posted by TedW at 9:03 AM
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well Glennie D does have very pretty hair. who'da guessed?
its the wet carpet that nopes me out. just...ew.
posted by supermedusa at 9:16 AM
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Man, just makes me think of so so many Danzig kitty litter memes on Tumblr. Also, for folks fond of connecting Internet history dots, AJ is AJ Daulerio.
posted by 99_ at 9:42 AM
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check the comments
posted by glonous keming at 9:42 AM
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Wow, I've walked past that house several times and never had any idea it belonged to Glenn Danzig!
posted by equalpants at 9:51 AM
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"Also," added the realtor, "He's not entertaining any offers under a million dollars."
so basically just that Aqua Teen episode but in reverse then
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:01 AM
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Also, for folks fond of connecting Internet history dots, AJ is AJ Daulerio
What?
For those who don't know, he's the one who said under deposition that Gawker would hold off on posting video about celebrity child porn if the kid was less than 4 years old. People blame Hulk Hogan and Peter Theil for Gawker's demise, but it was really this guy's complete lack of humanity, which makes I guess his wife's joke about "I think people who see "stainless steel appliances and granite countertops" as a positive should be sent to re-education camps" hit harder.
posted by The_Vegetables at 10:04 AM
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Like Glenn Danzig, I have many strong opinions.
If you wanna scream, scream with me.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 10:05 AM
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Is this the kind of sentiment that is good to express, even as a joke?
Yes.
posted by star gentle uterus at 10:42 AM
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Fun read, thank you Bella Donna. Sent the article to a friend who lived in Los Feliz a few years back.
posted by wicked_sassy at 11:05 AM
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This person is a fantastic writer. Also I saw Danzig (the band) headlining a small theater in 1989 and they were great. He stood outside the tour bus for ages signing various papers and body parts. He's a wee little piece of evil!
posted by caviar2d2 at 11:10 AM
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It is pretty funny to see that Danzig's home had exactly the kind of pop-up Halloween-store aesthetic implied by his attempts at directing horror movies. I watched his film Verotika (an adaptation of his gothic/erotic horror anthology comic) and there are literally scenes where the props (spooky chains, medieval torture devices, fake swords/knives) looked like they'd been purchased at Spirit Halloween on deep discount the day after trick or treat.
posted by Strange Interlude at 11:13 AM
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I love that this exists and is still a festering shitpile. The random assortment of "goth" accoutrements is so goofy. It looks like he's only paying $6,300 a year in property taxes, though, so really ... small potatoes if he doesn't need whatever the teardown sale price would be.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:22 AM
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I loved this phrase: some of America's ex-iest boyfriends.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:46 AM
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He's a wee little piece of evil!
I used to run into him from time to time at Golden Apple Comics on Melrose and he is indeed much more physically diminutive than his outsized persona might lead you to believe.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 11:47 AM
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so basically just that Aqua Teen episode but in reverse then
OMFG that is exactly where my brain went when I read the OP.
posted by howbigisthistextfield at 1:01 PM
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Even if you don't know Danzig's music, you've probably seen the band's inescapable Crimson Ghost logo, which has appeared on the bumper stickers of some of America's ex-iest boyfriends.
Awesome!
posted by cron at 1:26 PM
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< I think people who see "stainless steel appliances and granite countertops" as a positive should be sent to re-education camps...
Is this the kind of sentiment that is good to express, even as a joke? >
Yes, especially when followed by "...run by septugenarian homosexual vintage furniture dealers" and "I would rather breathe benzene directly from a bag than own an electric stove". Good lordt I laughed so hard at this.
posted by SinAesthetic at 2:25 PM
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Yeah, jokes about sending people the author doesn't like to prison camps doesn't land well when we actually have a government sending people to prison camps for no reason other than not liking them.
The piece was funniest when the author was transcribing her impressions of an absurd situation (started laughing at the black squishy carpet, lost it at the Count Chocola detail) rather than trying to workshop her comedy writing.
posted by at by at 2:46 PM
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That's the funniest fucking thing I have read in months, maybe this year. A zillion thank-yous!
posted by wenestvedt at 3:31 PM
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This was pretty funny, and it sent me down a thoroughly satisfying "Danzig House" rabbit hole but a lot of the writing seemed pretty clumsy, myopic, and gauche. I agree the "granite reassignment camp" thing landed really poorly
Idk, I'm an American who reads a lot of UK stuff and this reminded me of something that drives me crazy with that- using slang or local references without explaining them. Ok, so I'm not a young hip woman and I don't understand the hairstyle reference. So how good is the joke, really? Sorry I don't understand 1978 Geordie rhyming slang or some shit.
Anyway, still fun, love you all, apologies for commenting on your webblog.
posted by SystematicAbuse at 8:27 PM
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Perfectly fine with an electric stove, tbh. Grew up with one. The current one is a glasstop, and the only thing I really don't like about it is how hard it would be to convince my mom that it's okay to make grilled cheese sandwiches directly on the glass.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 1:16 AM
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Yeah, in the year 2025 when climate change is burning down LA, complaining about electric stoves is one of those jokes that feels like it's from (literally) another century. Sorry you don't like electric, but here in the 21st century everyone knows that natural gas is murdering your neighbors and destroying the city you claim to love.
posted by hydropsyche at 3:41 AM
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Mister Moofoo: "it's okay to make grilled cheese sandwiches directly on the glass."
WHOA WHAT NOW
posted by wenestvedt at 10:27 AM
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Nylon spatula, not steel, of course
posted by Mister Moofoo at 12:44 AM
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Sorry you don't like electric, but here in the 21st century everyone knows that natural gas is murdering your neighbors and destroying the city you claim to love.
Still, that primal whoosh when firing up the stove under a wok and making tasty stir fry in a literal hot minute is tough to beat.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 11:47 AM
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It is not tough to beat it if you are using induction cooking. It is better than gas and electric, according to some. https://thecookingfacts.com/is-induction-good-for-stir-fry/ Apologies I am on my phone and unable to make it a real link.
posted by Bella Donna at 1:55 PM
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Yeah, in the year 2025 when climate change is burning down LA, complaining about electric stoves is one of those jokes that feels like it's from (literally) another century. Sorry you don't like electric, but here in the 21st century everyone knows that natural gas is murdering your neighbors and destroying the city you claim to love.
There's a fair amount of evidence that it was electrical power that burned down, at the very least, large portions of Los Angeles County. Like, more than once.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 10:26 AM
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Southern California is in year 25 of an anthropogenic climate change induced drought that has led to increased risk of wildfires
posted by hydropsyche at 1:53 PM
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Which is why, now more than ever, those of us who enjoy dark humor cling to it ever more tightly.
posted by Bella Donna at 1:51 AM
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