Battletoads has quite a bit of toadally radical, very 90s dialogue between levels. The professor tells you what to do, the Dark Queen insults you. When you fail, the professor also gives you some tough love in his gruff, harsh coaching style. Unfortunately, the text goes by too quickly for most people to read it, so all of this witty banter seldom gets noticed. Except for the intro and game over, every piece of dialogue is randomly chosen from one of four choices. The intro only has one choice, and there are eight ways the chicken can insult you when you continue. All choices of dialogue for each part are shown below. Ripping the script from the game was possible thanks to rainwarrior's Python code for decompressing the Huffman encoding that Battletoads uses. http://forums.nesdev.com/viewtopic.php?t=8609 Thanks rainwarrior! And now here's the full game script. ============= Intro ============= B A T T L E T O A D S starring... - +aQQC:""", ^Q@@@QkEEN@{ !Q@@@#, `gK ;: ?%L` 'k@@@f' "mK' ,m^ `!eAz+ :i' ,dQu` R@@@kr!>mmXL` `|g@= :ad0?` !B%, :#g: }@@@@@Ayv,. `=e\v@= 'zyeDO/!`\OQ@W/c#@y. `F@@@E8@t` ,mBQ#uy@= ^#Q#v::X6:-^#C-` z@@D: :RQ: -jQ|` =@= ,zDx. -fL `=W! !#@Q, "W#` '' =@= :f: `, -ag\ =Q@Q: -Dm =@? +QX, `|@@Q: >0= '|' -eQ| `|@@B: `mK' :XK, ,Q@#! -wK, !W{' -p@N! "Qf {#c ,B@%, :Ny ^#p. cBF' :e` `>er` - ?d~ !` :cc\.``` ``````` ```` `+ccccc\-`````````````````` ,U@@@@@QQ8FFFoQQQQQQQf' :#QQ0; !0@@@@@@@@QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQD+` :#@@@@@dKOOKQ@@@@@@@@@0` "8@@@@y |KQ@@@@@@@@QKOOOOOOD@@@@@@@@@Q! -::::" '!e@@@@@@Q! ^@@@@@y ,!Q@@@@Q!, :ad@@@@@QXv:. `;FQ@@@QgC?- ^@@@@@y `B@@@Q' `''jQ@@@gf\=` "rD@@@QKF' ^@@@@@y :Q@@@Q.`!O@@@@@9! ,+eD@@@@@Q| :^^^f@@@@@y 8@@@@Q.'Q@@@@@@Dppp9\^^^^^^' \Q@@@@@@@@@@WWWWWW@@@@@@@@@g; O@@@@#.`oQ@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@g: :vdQQQQQXv77777v7KQQQQQQgs>` -l#Qu' ````````````=7777:` "|||; 'jQQ@@@@@QQaL' `sQ@@@@@f||||eQQv `,` `,,` `#@@@@@@: ~Ng`,D@g: ":' `i@@| `#@@@@@@: Og``re|` :: 'sO! "od@@QO|` "@@g: `;jKE=: `#@@@@@/` !%l,dga, :EN@@6FBpd@C /Q@F,:e@Q' :@@/ -O@X:cQ@s L@@@@@Qazzzq8%i'W@@Qr `v@@jzQ@0! Q#! |@@C` `iQ'.N@y `K@Btz%#O! 'Q@@g=::::::` -Q@@z .a@@\``B@o B@y i@@v! `z@= >@Q{+. `W@Qa^, 'Q@@v -g@@p\m0!;@@@! `L|` =@X` i@6F0ODD> :AQU, ,#W\?- 'Q@@Q! .{#BB#j! =B3' !` ,O@; ``` ` .\6#dOO%QN; `|d3, `z@a. ->, ^@#: `"- - THE STORY SO FAR - ONE DAY PIMPLE AND PRINCESS ANGELICA WERE OUT CRUISIN' WHEN SUDDENLY PIMPLE AND THE PRINCESS WERE CAPTURED BY THE DARK QUEEN AND TAKEN TO A NEARBY PLANET. MEANWHILE, BACK ON THE SPACESHIP VULTURE - THE BATTLETOADS BASE.... [[Professor T. Bird]] HEY 'TOADS ! THE DARK QUEEN'S KIDNAPPED PIMPLE AND ANGELICA AND SHE'S HOLDING THEM IN THE GARGANTUA. GO GET 'EM 'TOADS! [[The 'Toads]] YEAH! LET'S GET 'EM BACK ! I GOTTA CRAVING FOR ACTION! TAKE US TO THE RUMBLE, COACH! [[Dark Queen]]] NOT SO FAST BATTLEJERKS! BEFORE YOU EVEN REACH ME YOU'LL HAVE TO BEAT ROBO-MANUS AND BIG BLAG. STILL FANCY YOUR CHANCES COME TO ME NOW, IF YOU DARE! HA - HA - HA - HA! ===== Level 1 - Ragnarok's Canyon ====== [[Professor T. Bird]] (1) I'VE LOCATED THE GARGANTUA, 'TOADS! SHE'S HIDDEN BENEATH THE PLANET'S SURFACE ! (2) GET READY 'TOADS! DOWN TO THE SURFACE ON THE TURBO-CABLES! (3) WORK YOUR WAY ALONG THE SURFACE,'TOADS - AND HURRY ! PIMPLE N' ANGELICA ARE IN DEEP TROUBLE! (4) KEEP IT MOVIN' ALONG THE SURFACE, 'TOADS! AND WATCH OUT FOR THE PSYKO-PIGS ! ===== Level 2 - Wookie Hole ============ [[Dark Queen]] (1) ARRRRGH! YOU'VE MADE PORKMEAT OUT OF MY PSYKO-PIGS! (2) SO,HOOKBILL,YOUR FROGS DID WELL! BUT LET US SEE HOW THEY DO AGAINST MY BIRDS OF PREY - PRAY THE BIRDS DON'T GET THEM! HA-HA-HA-HA...! (3) THEY'LL NEVER MAKE IT AGAINST MY SATURN TOADTRAPS,YOU FEATHERED FREAK! (4) DOWN INTO THE DARK, BATTLEJERKS - AND SEE HOW YOU FARE AGAINST THE RETRO-BLASTERS! [[Professor T. Bird]] (1) LET'S GET MAD, BAD AND CRAZY, 'TOADS! USE THE TURBO-CABLES TO TACKLE THAT CHASM! (2) SENSORS INDICATE THAT THE CHASM DESCENDS FOR ABOUT A MILE - WATCH OUT FOR BOOBYTRAPS ! (3) WATCH OUT, 'TOADS! THERE'S BOUND TO BE A WHOLE TOAD-LOAD OF TROUBLE DOWN IN THAT CRATER! (4) IT'S A VERTICAL DROP FOR ABOUT A MILE - AND THERE ARE THINGS MOVIN' DOWN THERE,SO YOU BETTER TAKE CARE, 'TOADS.... ===== Level 3 - Turbo Tunnel =========== [[Dark Queen]] (1) YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET FASTER IF YOU WANT TO MAKE IT,POND PATROL! (2) GIVE UP NOW BEFORE THE MUTANT RATPACK GETS YOU, WART-HEADS! (3) SO,YOU MANAGED TO AVOID MY TRAPS, EH! WELL,IT TAKES A BOOBY TO BEAT A BOOBY, I ALWAYS SAY! (4) DON'T GET TOO COCKY, SNOTSKINS - THERE'S PLENTY MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM! [[Professor T. Bird]] (1) BETTER STEP ON IT, 'TOADS - THE RATPACK'S HOT ON YOUR HEELS! (2) SENSORS INDICATE SPEED BIKES DEAD AHEAD! GO GET 'EM, 'TOADS! (3) IT'S THE NEED-TO-SPEED FROM NOW ON,'TOADS! (4) YOU GOTTA BE LIKE GREEN LIGHTNIN' IF YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT THROUGH HERE,'TOADS! ===== Level 4 - Arctic Caverns ========= [[Dark Queen]] (1) SO, THE RAT ROCKETS DIDN'T GET YOU,HUH WELL, THE ICE SPIKES CERTAINLY WILL! (2) YOU ANNOYING FROGS! I'LL HAVE YOU CHOPPED INTO A GOURMET LUNCH AND THE PIECES DEEP-FROZEN FOR ETERNITY! (3) YOU PLAY LEAPFROG WELL WITH THOSE SPEED BIKES, MY GREEN FRIENDS, BUT UNFORTUNATELY, YOU CAN'T TAKE THEM WITH YOU! (4) CURSE YOUR WARTY HIDES! I'LL BRING DOWN ICE AND FIRE UPON YOUR UGLY HEADS! [[Professor T. Bird]] (1) I'M GETTING SUB-ZERO READINGS NEARBY! SO HANG LOOSE, 'TOADS - ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN IN THERE! (2) YOU'RE GONNA BE SLIP-SLIDIN'AWAY,'TOADS,IF YOU DON'T WATCH YOUR STEP! (3) LET'S BREAK THE ICE, 'TOADS! IT'S PARTY TIME! (4) BRRR! IT'S COLD ENOUGH DOWN THERE TO FREEZE THE YARBLES OFF A ZALLADIAN BEHOMETH ! ===== Level 5 - Surf City ============== [[Dark Queen]] (1) OH,YOU'RE GONNA BE SURFIN' - SURFIN' D.O.A.! THAT'S DEAD ON ARRIVAL, POND PATROL! (2) WATCH OUT FOR THE BREAKERS,BATTLEBARF! BECAUSE THEY'RE GOING TO BREAK YOU INTO LITTLE GREEN PIECES! (3) YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, DON'T YOU? - OUT OF THE FRYING PAN AND INTO THE SURF! (4) WHEN I SAY THERE'S GOING TO BE A WIPE-OUT DOWN THERE,YOU CAN BET ON IT, PRATTLETOADS! [[Professor T. Bird]] (1) YOU'RE DOIN' GREAT,'TOADS! THE DARK QUEEN WILL BE FOAMIN' AT THE MOUTH WHEN YOU RIDE THROUGH THIS LITTLE NUMBER ! (2) SURF'S UP, 'TOADS! LET'S KICK THOSE SPACEBOARDS INTO ACTION! (3) HANG TEN,'TOADS! SURF CITY HERE WE COME ! (4) DON'T WORRY 'BOUT IT 'TOADS,'CUZ THE DARK QUEEN DON'T SURF ! ===== Level 6 - Karnath's Lair ========= [[Dark Queen]] (1) GIVE UP, TOADIES! YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT PAST THE GIANT SNAKES! (2) IS IT TRUE THAT THE TOAD'S GREATEST ENEMY IS THE SNAKE WELL, WE'LL SOON FIND OUT! HA-HA-HA-HA....! (2) TAKE IT FROM ME, SWAMPBREATH,YOU WON'T BE GOING ANY FURTHER! (4) WHAT! YOU'VE MADE IT THROUGH! I'LL MAKE YOU PAY FOR YOUR IMPUDENCE! [[Professor T. Bird]] (1) YEE-HA ! RIDE THEM SNAKES,TOADBOYS! (2) WATCH OUT, 'TOADS! SENSORS INDICATE SOMETHIN' LONG AND SLIPPERY SLITHERIN' TOWARD YOU ! (3) SLITHER UP OUTTA THERE, 'TOADS ! YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SCALE THE CAVERN TO FIND THE EXIT! (4) TIME TO GRAB A PIECE OF TAIL, 'TOADS - AND HANG ON TIGHT! ===== Level 7 - Volkmire's Inferno ===== [[Dark Queen]] (1) SO,YOU THINK YOU'RE HOT, HUH,'TOADS! WELL,IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S GOING TO GET HOTTER DOWN THERE - MUCH HOTTER! (2) YOU'RE GOOD, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT -GOOD ENOUGH TO BURN! (3) BURN,TOADIES,BURN! (4) C'MON,TOADIES, LIGHT MY FIRE! [[Professor T. Bird]] (1) THINGS ARE REALLY HEATIN' UP DOWN THERE, 'TOADS! (2) BETTER JET YOUR WAY OUTTA THIS ONE,'TOADS! (3) LOOKS LIKE THE DARK QUEEN'S GOT A WARM RECEPTION PLANNED FOR THE BATTLETOADS! (4) WOW, 'TOADS! YOU'LL BE REALLY HOT AND BOTHERED BY THIS LITTLE SIZZLER! ===== Level 8 - Intruder Excluder ====== [[Dark Queen]] (1) YOU MAY THINK THE HEAT'S OFF,SLIMEBACKS.WELL, THINK AGAIN BECAUSE THERE'S PLENTY MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM ! (2) THE GARGANTUA WON'T BE A PUSHOVER,WARTBODIES,IT'S FAR TOO BIG FOR THAT! (3) I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE GOTTEN THIS FAR! PREPARE YOURSELVES FOR A STICKY GREEN END, TOADIES! (4) THE HIGHER YOU CLIMB,SWAMP SCUM,THE FURTHER YOU'LL FALL! [[Professor T. Bird]] (1) WHEN THE GOIN' GETS TOUGH, THE 'TOADS GET GOIN' ! UP AND AT 'EM, GUYS! (2) SENSORS INDICATE YOU'VE ACCESSED A DUCT IN THE GARGANTUA! BE CAREFUL,'TOADS! (3) YOU 'TOADS ARE DEFINITELY MOVIN' UP IN THE WORLD! (4) THE ONLY WAY IS UP,TOADS - SO LET'S GO FOR IT ! ===== Level 9 - Terra Tubes ============ [[Dark Queen]] (1) DON'T GET TOO CONFIDENT, WARTYBOTTOMS,BECAUSE I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT YOU WON'T BE GOING ANY FURTHER! (2) WELL,WELL,WELL - FANCY SEEING YOU HERE! WHAT AN UNPLEASANT SURPRISE! (3) YOU 'TOADS ARE DEFINITELY ASKING FOR IT, AND SINCE I DON'T WANT TO DISAPPOINT YOU, HERE IT COMES - YOUR TIMELY DEMISE ! (4) NOW,THAT MAKES ME MAD. AND WHEN I GET MAD,I GET NASTY.AND WHEN I GET NASTY,I USUALLY END UP MAIMING SOMETHING- LIKE YOU, F'RINSTANCE! [[Professor T. Bird]] (1) GO THROUGH THE STEEL SPAGHETTI,'TOADS - AND WATCH OUT FOR BOOBYTRAPS ! (2) I'M GETTIN' A WHOLE LOAD OF WEIRD READINGS ON THE SENSORS, SO, TAKE CARE, 'TOADS! (3) IT'S A MAZE IN THERE 'TOADS! SO,KEEP A COOL HEAD AND YOU'LL BE OKAY! (4) WE'RE MAKIN' GOOD HEADWAY HERE,'TOADS- DON'T LET UP NOW! ===== Level 10 - Rat Race ============== [[Dark Queen]] (1) YOUR ARROGANCE WOULD ANNOY ME,BATTLEBARF,IF IT WASN'T FOR THE FACT THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE BOMBING OUT VERY SOON! (2) YOU SHALL PAY FOR YOUR IMPERTINENCE,SLIMEHEADS - WITH YOUR LIVES! (3) REST ASSURED,WARTFEATURES, THE NEXT LEVEL'S GOING TO GO LIKE A BOMB! HA-HA-HA-HA...! (4) OKAY - C'MON AND MAKE MY DAY,TOADIES! [[Professor T. Bird]] (1) THE BOMB'S AT THE BOTTOM, SO, GET READY,'TOADS - AND COME ON DOWN ! (2) GET READY, 'TOADS! YOU GOTTA RACE THE RODENT AND DEFUSE THE BOMB! (3) HEY,'TOADS! YOU HAVE THREE BOMBS TO DEFUSE BEFORE THE RATPACK BLOWS US ALL TO TOAD-HEAVEN ! (4) PUT ON YOUR RUNNING SHOES, 'TOADS,AND RACE THE RAT TO THE BOMB AT THE BOTTOM ! ===== Level 11 - Clinger Winger ======== [[Dark Queen]] (1) CURSE YOUR GREEN HIDES! YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN! (2) OH,NO! THE BOMBS ARE ALL DEFUSED AND THE WARTHEADS ARE STILL ALIVE! (3) UP AND DOWN AND ROUND THEY GO,BUT WHERE THEY'LL FRY ONLY I CAN KNOW! (4) PRETTY SPUNKY,'TOADS - BUT IT ISN'T OVER YET! [[Professor T. Bird]] (1) IT'S TIME TO TRAVEL ON THE CLINGER-WINGER,'TOADS! (2) GET A GRIP,GUYS! LET'S MOTIVATE ! (3) HOLD ON TIGHT AN' GET READY FOR A FIGHT - THE BATTLETOADS ARE OUTASIGHT! (4) THERE'S A CRAZY ROLLER-COASTER COMIN' UP,'TOADS! SO, KEEP A COOL GREEN HEAD! ===== Level 12 - The Revolution ========== [[Dark Queen]] (1) WELCOME TO THE REVOLUTION, BATTLEJERKS! THIS IS WHERE YOU LOSE YOUR HEADS! (2) NOOOOO! I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU SWAMP SCUM HAVE MADE IT THIS FAR! I CAN SEE I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GET NASTY! (3) COME TO THE TOWER,BOYS,AND LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'VE GOT! (4) TOP OF THE WORLD, TOADIES! COME AND GET ME IF YOU DARE! [[Professor T. Bird]] (1) THINGS ARE LOOKIN' UP FROM HERE ON, 'TOADS! - AND I DO MEAN UP ! (2) LET'S MAKE LIKE THE GREEN MACHINE,GUYS,AND MOTOR ON UP TO THE TOP OF THE TOWER ! (3) HOLY HIP-HOP,'TOADS! THE DARK QUEEN'S AT THE TOP OF THE TOWER JUST WAITING TO BE CREAMED! (4) WELL,IT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR A 'TOAD,ONE GIANT LEAP FOR TOADKIND ! GO TO IT,GUYS! ============= Continue ================= [[Professor T. Bird]] (1) WHAT THE FROG'S GOIN' ON, 'TOADS ! GET BACK THERE AND FRY THE PORK ! (2) WHAD'YA' MEAN,'BAD SCENE' I'LL GIVE YA' BAD SCENE IF YOU DON'T GET BACK HERE WITH PIMPLE AND ANGELICA ! (3) PHEW ! THAT WAS PAINFUL TO WATCH! OKAY, PRACTICE IS OVER,GUYS,LET'S GO FOR IT THIS TIME ! (4) YES! THE DARK QUEEN JUST PHONED TO SAY SHE SENT YOU HOME,BECAUSE YOU OBVIOUSLY WEREN'T FEELING TOO GOOD ! (5) OKAY,'TOADS - YOU TAKE A REST AND I'LL CALL IN THE BATTLEHAMSTERS! (6) GOT TOO TOUGH FOR YOU,HUH A FEW PIGS, A FEW MONSTERS AND YOU GUYS CRASH AND BURN ! (7) I HAVEN'T SEEN SUCH A DISMAL FAILURE SINCE LAST TIME YOU FAILED! (8) WHAD'YA MEAN, THINGS GOT TOO HOT FOR YOU DOWN THERE! GET BACK HERE, AND I'LL WARM YOUR MILK FOR YOU, CRY-BABIES! ============ Game Over ================= [[Dark Queen]] (1) OH,DEAR, HOW UNUTTERABLY SAD.YOU LOSE AND I WIN.YOU 'TOADS COULDN'T FIGHT YOUR WAY OUT OF A PAPER BAG ! (2) HA-HA-HA-HA-HA...! CARE TO TRY YOUR LUCK AGAIN - 'CUZ IT'S ONLY LUCK THAT GOT YOU THIS FAR, SWAMPBREATH! (3) HA! JUST AS I PREDICTED. A COMPLETE AND UTTER VICTORY FOR THE HOME SIDE, AND A HOPELESS FAILURE FOR THE BEAK AND HIS QUAGGY CROAKERS! THIS DOMAIN BELONGS TO ME! HA-HA-HA-HA....! (4) WAS THAT REALLY THE BEST YOU CAN DO! MMMM! I WONDER WHAT ROAST VULTURE AND FROGS' LEGS TASTE LIKE! MMM!...CHOMP!...CRUNCH ! CHEW! THEY...MMMM... TASTE...MM-MMH-GOOD... ============ Ending ==================== [[Dark Queen]] (1) WHAT ! I LOST! THIS CAN'T BE! I'M THE DARK QUEEN ! WRONG IS BETTER THAN RIGHT,DARK IS STRONGER THAN LIGHT! GRRRR! I HATE YOU, BATTLETOADS! I'M OUTTA HERE ! (2) I GUESS YOU SLIPPERY SUCKERS THINK YOU'RE PRETTY HOT STUFF, HUH WELL,YOU DON'T CHEAT THE DARK LADY THAT EASILY! TILL NEXT TIME, CATTLE LOADS! (3) ROBO-MANUS, BLAGGIE! SPEAK TO YOUR QUEEN ! HAVE THOSE VILE SLUSH-HOPPERS CRUSHED YOUR CRANIUMS... WELL, DON'T WORRY- I'LL RESTORE YOU BOTH. YOU SNOT GOBBLERS WILL PAY FOR THIS ! (4) NO! THIS CAN'T BE TRUE! MY ENTIRE DEFENSE SYSTEM, BEATEN BY A COUPLE OF MUCUS-LOBBING SLIME-JACKETS! BETTER DISAPPEAR, REAL QUICK, BEFORE SOMETHING REALLY NASTY HAPPENS! ADIOS,FOUNTAIN FREAKS! [[Professor T. Bird]] (1) WAYDIGO, 'TOADS! THE BIG GUY'S BACK AND THE PRINCESS IS SAVED! (2) WHOO! ALRIGHT GUYS ! THERE'S NOTHIN' LIKE THE SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS TO CLEAR OUT THOSE CLOGGED SINUSES! (3) WOW! YOU GUYS OUGHTA BOTTLE THAT SKILL AND CHARISMA - YOU'D MAKE A FORTUNE ! (4) OKAY,LET'S BREAK OUT THE SODAS AND JUNK-FOOD - IT'S PARTY TIME !