Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:

Q:  Are you married?
A:  No, I'm divorced.
Q:  And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A:  A lot of things I didn't know about.

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:
Q:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A:  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:
THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
           information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
           any ...

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:
Q:  Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A:  No.
Q:  What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A:  Picking them up in the air.
Q:  Where was the dog at this time?
A:  Attached to the ears.

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:
Q:  Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A:  By death.
Q:  And by whose death was it terminated?

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:
Q:  When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
    able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
    go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
    him to the station?
MR. BROOKS:  Objection.  That question should be taken out and shot.

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:
Q:  What happened then?
A:  He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
    me."
Q:  Did he kill you?
A:  No.

Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
        The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
        instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.

7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
        The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
        Redwood Forest.

7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
        The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
        Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.

A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *THAT HAD TO MEAN SOMETHING*

A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort
of).

A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  I
believe everything positively stinks.

A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.

A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
exam.

A.A.A.A.A.:
        An organization for drunks who drive

After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.

Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana

All men are mortal.  Socrates was mortal.  Therefore, all men are
Socrates.

"All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that keeps us
sane."

"All my life I wanted to be someone. I guess I should have been more
specific."

Your lucky color has faded.

Your lucky number has been disconnected.

Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.

Every four seconds a woman has a baby.  Our problem is to find this
woman and stop her.

I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me is paranoid and the other half is
out to get him.

In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of
stairs.

Horses have an even number of legs.  Behind they have two legs, and in
front they have fore-legs.  This makes six legs, which is certainly an
odd number of legs for a horse.  But the only number that is both even
and odd is infinity.  Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
legs.  Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
there is a horse that has a finite number of legs.  But that is a horse
of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
color"], that does not exist.

Fertility is hereditary.  If your parents didn't have any children,
neither will you.

I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The
curtain was up.

"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.

Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.

Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's bowling alley, and everyone's
rolling strikes?

Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?

Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.

"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn.  By accident I
put the car key in the door lock.  The house started up.  So I figured
what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times.  I thought I
should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
get off my driveway."
                -- Steven Wright

A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side.  It
weighs one third of a pound per foot.  On one end hangs a monkey holding a
banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
The banana weighs two ounces per inch.  The rope is as long (in feet) as
the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
is the same as the age of the monkey's mother.  The combined age of the
monkey and its mother is thirty years.  One half of the weight of the monkey,
plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
weight and the weight of the rope.  The monkey's mother is half as old as
the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
she was half as old as the monkey will be when it is as old as its mother
will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
was old as its mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
when it was one fourth as old as it is now.  How long is the banana?

checkuary, n:
        The thirteenth month of the year.  Begins New Year's Day and ends
        when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his
        checks.

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
        No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up.  You're
the sucker.

The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
showed that all had these things in common:

        (1) They all had moderate appetites.
        (2) They all came from middle class homes
        (3) All but two of them were dead.

Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?

Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
without his duck ...

Early to bed and early to rise and you'll be groggy when everyone else is
wide awake.

Veni, Vidi, VISA:
        I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

Peanut Blossoms

4 cups sugar           16 tbsp. milk
4 cups brown sugar     4 tsp. vanilla
4 cups shortening      14 cups flour
8 eggs                 4 tsp. soda
4 cups peanut butter   4 tsp. salt

Shape dough into balls.  Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie
sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes.  Immediately top each cookie with a
Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie.  Makes a
hell of a lot.

Frisbeetarianism, n.:
        The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and
        gets stuck.

Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
	And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
But all they ever found was this:  "panic: never doubt",
	And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
When the day is done and the moon comes out,
And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
	Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!

omnibiblious, adj.:
        Indifferent to type of drink.  Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything.
        I'm omnibiblious."

Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
        (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
            straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
            force is technically termed "car suck").
        (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
            than "Watch this!"
        (3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
            proportional to the cost of hitting it.  For instance, a
            Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
            a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
        (4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
            cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
            Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
            in the head and knock you silly.

Q:      What is green and lives in the ocean?
A:      Moby Pickle.


God is Dead
                -- Nietzsche
Nietzsche is Dead
                -- God
Nietzsche is God
                -- The Dead

The Gordian Maxim:
        If a string has one end, it has another.

Sattinger's Law:
        It works better if you plug it in.

Some primal termite knocked on wood.
And tasted it, and found it good.
And that is why your Cousin May
Fell through the parlor floor today.

Consider the following axioms carefully:
        "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
                             and
        "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker?  The
thought is frightening.  Is this how God came into being?  Try not to
consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".

FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12

O.E.D.:                         David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min.

        Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
        shallowness in its treatment of a complete work.  Omar Sharif
        tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guiness is solid in
        the role of abbacy.  As usual, the photography is stunning.
        With Julie Christie.


Symptom:                Floor blurred.
Fault:                  You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Action Required:        Find someone who will buy you another beer.

Symptom:                Floor moving.
Fault:                  You are being carried out.
Action Required:        Find out if you are taken to another bar.  If not,
                        complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
                -- Bar Troubleshooting

poisoned coffee, n.:
        Grounds for divorce.

I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect."
I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say,
"Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer
effect."
                -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.

                                FROM THE DESK OF
                                Dorothy Gale

        Auntie Em:
                Hate you.
                Hate Kansas.
                Taking the dog.
                        Dorothy

        An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are
about to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will
be used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will
be woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up
and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched
over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people,
and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
        The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
while plunging the knife into his heart.
        The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
        The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"

Never drink coke in a moving elevator.  The elevator's motion coupled with
the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations.  People tend to change into
lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
window.  Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.

        A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
dog in his brother's care.  The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up
his brother and inquires after his pet.
        "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
        The guy is devastated.  "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
he moaned into the phone.  "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer
way of breaking the news?  Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the
dog got outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was
speeding around a corner...' or something...?  Why are you always so
thoughtless?"

        "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't
         think."
        "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us.  How are you anyway?
         How's Mom?"
        
His brother is silent a moment.  "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
outside one day..."

        A boy scout troop went on a hike.  Crossing over a stream, one of
the boys dropped his wallet into the water.  Suddenly a carp jumped,
grabbed the wallet and tossed it to another carp.  Then that carp passed
it to another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the
wallet back and forth.
        "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
of carp-to-carp walleting."

The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.

X windows:
	Accept any substitute.
	If it's broke, don't fix it.
	If it ain't broke, fix it.
	Form follows malfunction.
	The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
	The trailing edge of software technology.
	Armageddon never looked so good.
	Japan's secret weapon.
	You'll envy the dead.
	Making the world safe for competing window systems.
	Let it get in YOUR way.
	The problem for your problem.
	If it starts working, we'll fix it.  Pronto.
	It could be worse, but it'll take time.
	Simplicity made complex.
	The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
	Flakey and built to stay that way.

One thousand monkeys.  One thousand MicroVAXes.  One thousand years.
	X windows.

Humor in the Court:
Q.  And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral.  O.K.? What school do
    you go to?
A.  Oral.
Q.  How old are you?
A.  Oral.

Q.  Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A.  I should be.
Q.  How many times have you committed suicide?
A.  Four times.

Q.  Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A.  Yes, sir.
Q.  Before or after he died?

Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was
   a victim?

Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
    notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
   with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top
   of my head.

[Sung to the tune of Rubber Ducky]
Double Bucky, you're the one,
You make my keyboard so much fun,
Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o)
Control and meta, side by side,
Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide!
Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!

Oh, I sure wish that I,
Had a couple of bits more!
Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.

Double Double Bucky!  Double Bucky left and right
OR'd together, outta sight!
Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of,
Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of,
Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!

Eleanor Rigby
        Sits at the keyboard
        And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
        Finding some code
        That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Hacker MacKensie
Writing the code for a program that no one will run
It's nearly done
Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's
        nobody there.
What does he care?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Ah, look at all the lonely users.
Ah, look at all the lonely users.

Do you realize how many holes there would be if people would just take the
time to take the dirt out of them?

1 1 was a race-horse, 2 2 was 1 2. When 1 1 1 1 race, 2 2 1 1 2.

Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.

        Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule

        Sept 14         Pasadena Junior High
        Sept 21         Boy Scout Troop 049
        Sept 28         Blind Academy
        Sept 30         World War I Veterans
        Oct 5           Brownie Scout Troop 041
        Oct 12          Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
        Oct 26          St. Thomas Boys Choir
        Nov 2           Texas City Vet Clinic
        Nov 9           Korean War Amputees
        Nov 15          VA Hospital Polio Patients

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go.
You'll just be walking down the street and...  Ooohh, that's much better.
                -- Steven Wright

I have a hobby.  I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.  I
keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.  Maybe you've seen some of it.
                -- Steven Wright

I have a map of the United States.  It's actual size.  I spent last summer
folding it.  People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
                -- Steven Wright

I poured spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.
                -- Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
                -- Steven Wright

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
The weatherman said "I don't understand it.  I was supposed to be 80
degrees today," and I said "Oops."

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
I never have to go upstairs.

I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
front of it in only eight minutes.
                -- Steven Wright

I used to live in a house by the freeway.  When I went anywhere, I had
to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights.  Now it looks
like I'm the only one moving.

I was pulled over for speeding today.  The officer said, "Don't you know
the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?"  And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
to be out that long."

I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out.  Now
my car goes 500 miles an hour.
                -- Steven Wright

Last night the power went out.  Good thing my camera had a flash....
The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
                -- Steven Wright

My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo
of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
                -- Steven Wright

"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
questions, I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?

He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
for him then.
                -- Steven Wright

I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
theater.  So I bought the album.  I got kicked out of a theater the
other day for bringing my own food in.  I argued that the concession
stand prices were outrageous.  Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
long time.  I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
$2.50.  I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl.  I once took a cab to
a drive-in movie.  The movie cost me $95.
                -- Steven Wright

I just got out of the hospital after a speed reading accident.
I hit a bookmark.
                -- Steven Wright

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full
house and four people died.
                -- Steven Wright

I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.  I told my roommate,
"Isn't this amazing?  Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
replaced with an exact replica."  He said, "Do I know you?"
                -- Steven Wright

My friend has a baby.  I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
later I can ask him what he meant.
                -- Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
I had any firearms with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"
                -- Steven Wright

        Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words
Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been
clearer if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish
and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and
and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?

Universe, n.:
        The problem.

Automobile, n.:
        A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.

Armadillo:
	To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.

        A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a
Ping-Pong game.  They had the volley of the Dills.

The story so far:

        In the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made a lot
of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Laugh, and the world ignores you.  Crying doesn't help either.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the
entire area was missing...

"I have a switch in my apartment...it doesn't do anything...Every once
in a while, I turn it on and off...One day I got a call...it was from
a woman in France...she said "Cut it out..."

"I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was
another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself.
Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself.
Then I quit."

"A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going so fast?'
I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator.
When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole
car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]?
This steers it'"

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to
feed it.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a
potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white
cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten
minutes.

I was watching the superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team
scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they
scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE
was watching was better.

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.
Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I
think I might have written that."

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I
was an only child...eventually.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices...in
the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven,
time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's
real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I
went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a
right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go
to sleep."

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I
said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't
think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

		-- Steven Wright

Fairy Tale, n.:
        A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.

Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
        "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"

Things are more like they used to be than they are now.

Song Title of the Week:
        "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
         in me."

Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.

"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves
began to suspect 'Hungry' ..."
                -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"

QUOTE OF THE DAY:

       '
We really don't have any enemies.  It's just that some of our best
friends are trying to kill us.

Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!

FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5

THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER:
        This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly
        woman forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the
        family make ends meet.  At night, granny sits on the porch, tells
        tales of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook
        barbecues and to power small electrical appliances.  Maureen Stapleton
        gives a glowing performance.

  My cousin was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a
  sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she
  said to herself "oh well!" and turned around and drove home.

  On her way home my cousin drove past another sign that said
  "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she
  had cleaned 43 restrooms.

  My cousin and a friend are walking along in a park. The friend says
  suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". My cousin stops, looks up,
  and says, "Where?"

  A policeman pulled my cousin over after she'd been driving the wrong
  way on a one-way street.
    Cop: Do you know where you were going?
    My cousin: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all
              the people were leaving.

  My cousin and her brothers are attempting to change a light bulb. One
  of them decides to call 911:
     My cousin: We need help. We're trying to change a light bulb.
     Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?  My cousin: Yes.
     Operator: The power in the house in on? My cousin: Of course.
     Operator: And the switch is on?  My cousin: Yes, yes.
     Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
          My cousin: No, it's working fine.
     Operator: Then what's the problem?
     My cousin: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and
         we all fell and hurt ourselves.

  My cousin and her friend were walking through the woods when one looked
  down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The friend looks and says
  "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer
  tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they
  were both killed by a train.


Why can't Helen Keller drive a car?
A #1: She's a woman.
A #2: She's dead.

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?
You would to if your name was  AAAHHHAAARRRHHARH!!!!

How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
She answered the iron.

How did she burn the other side?
They called back.

How did Helen Keller's mother punish her?
A #1: Rearrange the furniture.
A #2: Put Saran Wrap on the toliet.
A #3: Put the plunger in the toilet.
A #4: Glued doorknobs to the walls

Why has Helen Keller got a yellow leg?
Her dog is blind too.

INTRODUCING - the new Helen Keller Doll. Wind it up and watch it walk into the
	      patio doors.

What did HK do when she fell out of the tree?
She screamed her hands off.

How did HK break her arm in the car?.
Trying to read stop signs.

How did HK get pock marks on her face?
Learning to eat with a fork.

Helen Keller on the game show "To Tell the Truth:
"Contestant Number 1, what is your name, please?"
"My name is Helen Keller."
"Contestant Number 2, what is your name, please?"
"My name is Helen Keller."
"Contestant Number 3, what is your name, please?"
"Brjkguadb hsh i jopw qusbhw."

What happened when Helen Keller fell into a well?
She screamed and screamed until her hands turned blue.

How did Helen Keller burn her face?
Bobbing for french fries.

How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?
Trying to read a waffle iron.

What's the name of Helen Keller's favorite book?
"Around the block in 80 Days"

Define true love.
Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.

Why didn't Helen scream when she fell off a cliff?
She was wearing mittens.

Scratch the disks, dump the core,       Shut it down, pull the plug
Roll the tapes across the floor,        Give the core an extra tug
And the system is going to crash.       And the system is going to crash.
Teletypes smashed to bits.              Mem'ry cards, one and all,
Give the scopes some nasty hits         Toss out halfway down the hall
And the system is going to crash.       And the system is going to crash.
And we've also found                    Just flip one switch
When you turn the power down,           And the lights will cease to twitch
You turn the disk readers into trash.   And the tape drives will crumble
                                                in a flash.
Oh, it's so much fun,                   When the CPU
Now the CPU won't run                   Can print nothing out but "foo,"
And the system is going to crash.       The system is going to crash.
                -- To the tune of "As the Caissons go Rolling Along"

He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ...
... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car ...

Put another password in,
Bomb it out, then try again.
Try to get past logging in,
We're hacking, hacking, hacking.

Try his first wife's maiden name,
This is more than just a game.
It's real fun, but just the same,
It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
                -- To the tune of "Music, Music, Music?"

Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today.  Two freaks
in a van  [Oh no!!  It's the Copyright Police!!]  Her aura-charred body was
laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE
[Society of Asinine Flake Entertainers].  Excerpted from some of his more quotable
comments:

        "Truly a woman of the times.  These times, those times..."
        "A Renaissance woman.  Why in 1432..."
        "A man for all seasons.  Really..."

After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how
delightful it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now
dead body join her long dead brain.

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given
by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read
Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the
same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns
don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive
lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing
yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
	You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
	You lie a great deal.  On the other hand, you are inclined to
	be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same
	mistakes over and over again.  People think you are stupid.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
	You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being
followed by the CIA or FBI.  You have minor influence over your
associates and people resent your flaunting of your power.  You lack
confidence and you are generally a coward.  Pisces people do terrible
things to small animals.

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
	You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You
	are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are
	not very nice.

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
	You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged
	determination and work like hell.  Most people think you are
	stubborn and bull headed.  You are a Communist.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
	You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you
because you are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much
for too little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis are known for
committing incest.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
	You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
problems.  They think you are a sucker.  You are always putting things
off.  That's why you'll never make anything of yourself.  Most welfare
recipients are Cancer people.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
	You consider yourself a born leader.  Others think you are
	pushy.  Most Leo people are bullies.  You are vain and dislike
	honest criticism.  Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people
	are thieves.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
	Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to
	ten without using your fingers.  Be careful dressing this
	morning.  You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
	wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
	that old underwear you own.

LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
	You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
	reality.  If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
	Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent.  Most
	Libra women are prostitutes.  All Libra people die of venereal
	disease.

SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
	You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You will
	achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
	ethics.  Most Scorpio people are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
	You are optimistic and enthusiastic.  You have a reckless
	tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent.  The majority
	of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both.  People
	laugh at you a great deal.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
	You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You don't do
much of anything and are lazy.  There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
they take root and become trees.

                 17 Rejected Titles For The Movie "Twister"

17. "Totally Gone With The Wind"
16. "Lift and Separate"
15. "Boys on the Side -- Of My Barn"
14. "Summer Film So Full of Special Effects We Couldn't Fit in the Plot"
13. "The Weather Channel: The Movie"
12. "Schindler's Twist"
11. "Field of Debris"
10. "Dead Man Flying"
 9. "I, Cumulus"
 8. "One House Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"
 7. "The Splintered Bridges of Madison County"
 6. "Wizard of Oz II: The Search For Toto"
 5. "Killer Genuine Draft"
 4. "Four Weddings & A Funnel"
 3. "Indiana Jones and the Trailer Park of Doom"
 2. "A Funnel Thing Happened On The Way To The Farm"
 1. "Roofless in Seattle"

Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17

	"This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
	May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
	Juliet, this bud's for you.

FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
	Christmas Rum Cake

1 or 2 quarts rum		1 tbsp. baking powder
1 cup butter			1 tsp. soda
1 tsp. sugar			1 tbsp. lemon juice
2 large eggs			2 cups brown sugar
2 cups dried assorted fruit	3 cups chopped English walnuts

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality.  Good, isn't it?  Now
select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.  Check the rum again.  It
must be just right.  Be sure the rum is of the highest quality.  Pour one cup
of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can.  Repeat. With an electric
mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
and beat again.  Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
Sample another cup.  Open second quart as necessary.  Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
of fried druit and beat untill high.  If the fried druit gets stuck in the
beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver.  Sample the rum again, checking
for toncisticity.  Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
Sample some more.  Sift 912 pint of lemon juice.  Fold in schopped butter and
strained chups.  Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
Mix mell.  Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
poothtick comes out crean.

Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:

WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS:			YOU WRITE:

Probably the greatest quality of the poetry	John Milton -- born 1608
of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
combination of beauty and power.  Few have
excelled him in the use of the English language,
or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
single poem ever written."

Current historians have come to			Most of the problems that now
doubt the complete advantageousness		face the United States are
of some of Roosevelt's policies...		directly traceable to the
						bungling and greed of President
						Roosevelt.

... it is possible that we simply do		Professor Mitchell is a
not understand the Russian viewpoint...		communist.

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:

It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and
supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to
more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant
negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a
negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive
as that in support of an affirmative.
		-- 254 Pac. Rep. 472.

Fortune presents:
	USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.

Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus		I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
	^cevalon.
Vere vi ^sercas.			You must be kidding.
Nu, parDOOOOOnu min!			Well exCUUUUUSE me!
Kiu invitis vin?			Who invited you?
Kion vi diris pri mia patrino?		What did you say about my mother?
Bu^so^stopu min per kulero.		Gag me with a spoon.


QUOTES FROM STUDENT ENGLISH PAPERS


Although the patient has never been fatally ill before, he
woke up dead.

The death of Francis Macomber was a turning point in his
life.

During the years 1933-1938, there were domestic problems at
home as well as abroad.

H20 is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

There are three types of blood vessels: arteries, vanes, and
caterpillars.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more
extinct it is.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you
expire.

Rural life is lived mostly in the country.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him.


HOW MANY LAWYERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

A. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as
(Lawyer), and the party of the second part, also know as
(Light Bulb), do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction
wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be
removed from the current position as a result of failure to
perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting,
elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging
from the front (north) door, through the entry way,
terminating at an area just inside the primary living area,
demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover
illumination being at the option of the party of the second
part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned
agreement between the parties.

     The aforementioned removal transaction shall include,
     but not be limited to, the following steps:

     1) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or
without elevation at his option, by means of a chair,
stepstool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the
party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise
direction, at this point being non-negotiable.

     2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second
part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the
third part (Receptacle), the party of the first part (Lawyer)
shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second
party (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable
state, local, and federal statutes.

     3) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the
party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of
beginning installation of the party of the fourth party (New
light bulb). This installation shall occur in a manner
consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note
that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this
point also being non-negotiable.

     NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the
option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all
persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the
most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also
know as the partnership.


SUMMARIES OF DRIVER'S DETAILS OF THEIR ACCIDENTS

The other car collided with me without giving warning of its
intentions.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of
times before I hit him.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front of me, I hit
a pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other
vehicle.

I told the police I was not injured, but removing my cap I
found I had a fractured skull.

The pedestrian had no idea in which direction to run, so I
ran over him.

I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced
off the hood of my car.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other
side of the road when I hit him.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to
swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the
wheel and had the accident.

I looked at my mother in law and drove off the embankment.

I pulled into the wrong driveway and collided with a tree I didn't have.

INTEL UNVEILS BELOW BOARD WITH EXPENDED MEMORY

1 April 1986, Hillsboro, OR: Intel Corporation's Personal
Computer Enhancement Operation (PCEO) today announced Below
Board, a memory add-on device for the underachiever. Below
Board is designed for the IBM PC, XT, AT, and their
compatibles or incompatibles. Below Board conforms to the
-1.4 revision of a memory specification, the most negative
revision to date. It is believed Below Board will spawn a
whole new generation of incompatible software as well as
hardware.

Below Board operates by moving Conventional RAM down to the
memory space below OK, where DOS can't conflict with it. The
new memory space is called expended memory. This is a
superior alternative to competitive products which allow
normal software to fill up the memory. Below Board always
maintains at least 640K of free memory. A side benefit to
this method of memory management is that nearly 100% of the
8086 to 80286 processing capacity is kept available.

Below Board establishes a new class of PC products known as
Vacantware. Such products use an undocumented instruction
in the 8086 processor family called VANISH. The VANISH
instruction places the CPU in Vapor mode, in which expended
memory can be erased or ignored. Expended memory is
relatively efficient, since even CPU's that have been greatly
speeded up still only require one wait state. No other states
are allowed.

Shipments of Below Board are expected to begin within 2 to 15
months. Prices and billings will be announced shortly after
delivery. All orders must be placed prior to last year.

NEW VERSION OF FOREM BBS SOFTWARE

     A new release of FoReM ST arrived yesterday. Among the
features is yet another new file transfer protocol, ZZZMODEM.
This new protocol transfers data in blocks of 16 megabytes,
giving it the largest block size of any file transfer
protocol in the known universe. The checksum for each block
in ZZZMODEM transfer is sent via XMODEM for greater accuracy.
This new protocol will allow us to transfer data at rates up
to one one-hundredth of one percent faster than by any
previous method. Industry insiders were quick to point out
that using ZZZMODEM, it takes roughly 2 hours and 25 minutes
to transfer a 20K file at 19,200 baud. This problem has been
dealt with by padding each block with nulls, which takes no
time to send.

     Reportedly in the works for a future release is the
patented ONE LENGTH ENCODING process. Early reports suggest
that this procedure can reduce the length of a file to just 1
bit. All binary data is encoded into bits, which are
represented by ones and zeros. This is because a wire can
either carry a current or not, and wires can therefore be set
up in a series that can represent strings of ones and zeros.
The real information is carried in the ones, since the other
carry no current. So by dropping all the zeros, you can
easily cut file sizes in half. After you drop all the zeros,
you're left with a string of ones. Simply count all the ones,
and you're left with a binary string. Say you end up with
7541 ones. In binary, that's 1110101110101, which becomes
111111111, or 9, which is 1001, which becomes 2, which is 10,
or 1.

Once a string length of one is reached, maximum file
compression is reached. You now have the capability to encode
virtually unlimited amounts of information into a single
digit. Long-distance bills will never be the same. There are
a few problems, though. There seems to be a certain amount of
data loss during the re-conversion process. It seems that
sometimes the file cannot be expanded into original form. So,
the solution to this is an encryption key associated with
each file. When a ONE LENGTH ENCODED file is received and is
undergoing decompression, the unique encryption key must be
supplied. That way, we end up with 100% success rate in the
conversion. A problem with this lies in the fact that to
ensure 100% success rate, the encryption key must be exactly
as long as the original file. The Recursive ARCing procedure
will help solve this problem.

REASONS TO HATE COMPUTERS

They cost too much.
They break down all the time.
They're too hard to fix.
They take up too much desk space.
They become obsolete five minutes after you leave the store.
They don't understand plain English.
You can't fix then by whacking them a few times with a
hammer.
Electronic bulletin boards never have enough thumbtacks.
You have to know how to type to use them.
They lose your data every time there is an electrical storm
in the Western Hemisphere.
They give off weird, other worldly radiation that probably
causes cancer but we won't find out until we have it. They
make you go blind too.
There are too many kinds to choose from.
Five cables sticking out of an appliance is cruel and unusual
punishment.
The forget everything they know the instant you turn them
off.
They think the world can be reduced to string of ones and
zeros.
When they sell you a $500 computer, they forget to mention
that you have to spend another $1500 in order to do anything
with it.
Right now some kid is trying to figure out how he can use
one to start a nuclear war.
It hurts you back to sit in front to for one for a long time.
When you make a mistake using one, you can't blame it on
anyone.
It's too easy to get a shock by licking the stamps on
electronic mail.
If computers can tap into information networks thousands of
miles away, why can't they load the program I just bought
down the street?
They're no good for balancing a checking account because
after you buy one, there's nothing left in your checking
account to balance.
The guy down the street has a better one than I do.

DL-232 -- A New Standard

     I may never understand how the designers of the RS-232
standard for serial communication managed to use 25 wires
where only 3 are necessary. Maybe they made a real deal with
the companies that make cables, connectors, and switch boxes.

     Well, I thought of a few things that the RS-232 standard
lacks, and since there are already so many extra signals, a
few more can't hurt anyone, right? Let's go for 50-pin
connectors and cables and add the following new signals.
(Just to make sure this isn't compatible with old equipment,
all old signals are moved up one pin (Carrier Detect become
9 instead of 8, etc., and pin 25 goes to pin 1)

Pin   Name     Description
---   ----     -----------
 26   XCAT     Should be connected to chassis of devices.
               Used with the next two signals, this provides
               protection against cats who haven't learned
               not to walk on floppy disks or serial
               equipment. This signal should supply about
               2000 volts (at a very low current level;
               wouldn't want to hurt the cute little thing,
               just teach it not to walk on anything in the
               computer room).

 27   CATGND   Cat ground. Used with pin 26. This signal
               should be connected to another part of the
               chassis or the tabletop.
 28   CTD      Cat detect.
 29   SD       Self-destruct. This signal causes the
               device to destroy itself.
 30   SDACK    Self-Destruct acknowledge. Acknowledges that
               the device has destroyed itself.
 31   VADIC    This indicates to the computer that the device
               on the other end is a modem that uses VADIC
               protocol.
 32   STBIT1   Stutter bits. With pin 33, sets the number of
               stutter bits (0 to 3 of them) to be included
               before each byte transmitted. This may reduce
               the number of people who feel inferior to
               computer equipment by showing them that
               computers have problems communicating with
               each other.
 33   STBIT2
 34   CABR     Cable ready. It's not enough to know that the
               Data Set is Ready (DSR) and the Data Terminal
               is Ready (DTR). We also need to know that the
               cable connecting them is ready.
 35   GRR      Gremlins ready. Not everybody knows it, but
               there are little green guys inside most modern
               computer equipment. Most of the time they
               sleep, but other times they cause trouble. The
               next 6 signals are for dealing with gremlins.
 36   220A     Used with pin 37, supplies 220 volt power for
               the gremlins air conditioning. On hot days
               when gremlins can't sleep, applying power to
               these pins may solve your problems.
 37   220B
 38   110H     110 volts, hot side. When the 220 volt power
               doesn't help and gremlin problems persist, use
               this with pin 39 to supply 110 volts for the
               gremlins' TV and video game center.
 39   110N     110 volts, neutral side.
 40   MOON     Indicates the phase of the moon. Sometimes
               solves mysterious problems.
 41   LHI      Pins 41 through 45 can be used to implement
               the "Like" protocol when the normal RTS/CTS
               protocol isn't enough. This one means "Like
               Hi" and is used to establish a connection.
 42   LHTY2    Like Hi To You Too. Acknowledges pin 41.
 43   LLTT     Like Listen To This. Requests permission to
               send data.
 44   LOK      Like OK. Grants permission to send data.
 45   LWOW     Like WOW. Acknowledges reception of data.
 46   HEY      Pins 46 to 50 may be used to implement the
               "Eighties" protocol when RTS/CTS and "Like"
               protocols won't do the job. This signal is
               similar to RTS (Request To Send)
 47   NP       No problem. Acknowledges HEY.
 48   HUH?     Signals that data was not received correctly
               (possibly wrong number of stutter bits)
 49   YEAH     Acknowledges data received
 50   KMG365   Like YEAH, but for avid Emergency One fans.
