Posts by gupton68@mastodon.online
(DIR) Post #AU4ey4opqL4yuBTV32 by gupton68@mastodon.online
2023-03-28T09:53:34Z
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Today is Tuesday, 28th of March 2023, and that's just not something you can say every day.
(DIR) Post #AU7RGSff5JZ6D2w69A by gupton68@mastodon.online
2023-03-29T13:11:04Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
I had laser eye surgery but disappointingly I’m still unable to fire lasers from my eyes.0/5 stars, would not recommend.
(DIR) Post #AUykZlXyrYiM1zzPHs by gupton68@mastodon.online
2023-04-24T12:21:23Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
The best way to avoid badly letting down your partner is by not holding scissors, knives, knitting needles, or other sharp objects whilst inflating her.Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.
(DIR) Post #AVmUPO1AERiYgU4Ulc by gupton68@mastodon.online
2023-01-21T12:54:37Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
me: *signs off all work emails to coworkers with ‘any questions, feel free to call me’* also me: *the phone rings* WHOEVER THE FUCK THIS IS BETTER BE DYING!
(DIR) Post #AW48011hbvH0v4QVe4 by gupton68@mastodon.online
2023-05-26T12:48:25Z
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The best way to avoid wasting money on expensive dieting fads is by throwing away your bathroom scales and just enjoying life instead.Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.
(DIR) Post #AWzORcYdXHGKx3aku8 by gupton68@mastodon.online
2023-06-23T11:05:07Z
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Well at least we now all know how that turned out…
(DIR) Post #AXj25gcpbr8P8RbQeW by gupton68@mastodon.online
2023-01-29T14:36:28Z
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Is it just me or does anyone else feel as if we woke up at some point during 2016 and found ourselves in the pages of the next great dystopian novel?
(DIR) Post #AXxVsKzRO7VVCsnkRc by gupton68@mastodon.online
2023-07-22T12:54:55Z
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The older I get the more I despair of my chances of fulfilling so many of my dreams, like sailing round the world, climbing Mount Everest, or catching Mrs Jones from next door sunbathing topless.
(DIR) Post #AY3SSgqYVPILW59ebY by gupton68@mastodon.online
2023-07-25T12:34:24Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?me: high enough up the corporate ladder that I no longer have to do any work, but not so high that I have to take responsibility when it doesn’t get done by someone elseinterviewer: but that’s my job!?
(DIR) Post #AYCeSMv0x5kP2PhGZE by gupton68@mastodon.online
2023-07-29T10:54:43Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
Suddenly I’m feeling rather peckerish!
(DIR) Post #AYIAS8akO63MvYwyvI by gupton68@mastodon.online
2023-08-01T13:16:53Z
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Revenge is a dish best served slathered with 4 different cheeses, because any dish is best when served slathered with 4 different cheeses.
(DIR) Post #AYPLQ6vArVTFYRpKIy by gupton68@mastodon.online
2023-08-04T12:51:22Z
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Anyone who doesn't say that their dying wish would be that they weren't dying is clearly a halfwit. I’ll take no argument on this.
(DIR) Post #AYW36kvrxAcamrUc4G by gupton68@mastodon.online
2023-08-08T07:48:45Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
Dr: you’re eating too much dairyMe: there’s no such thing as too much cheeseCheese: challenge accepted!
(DIR) Post #AaLl51DElw2THPBNYG by gupton68@mastodon.online
2023-09-30T11:19:55Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
[family funeral]Uncle Ted: such a shame we only meet up at these thingsMe: *shrugging* life’s too busy, I guessUncle Ted: *sighing* true. oh well, see you at the next one I suppose[next family funeral]Priest: we’re gathered to mourn our dear friend TedMe: or not…
(DIR) Post #Ac09AlaDu3h5MAwM3U by gupton68@mastodon.online
2023-11-20T11:52:22Z
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He drinks a whisky drinkHe drinks a vodka drinkHe drinks a lager drinkHe drinks a cider drinkHe finally feels able to go into work on Monday morning
(DIR) Post #Ac0UuIuUwH4qmrykO8 by gupton68@mastodon.online
2023-11-20T19:08:38Z
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@wauz 😂
(DIR) Post #Ac68GzLsgrV6n7OVvc by gupton68@mastodon.online
2023-11-23T11:37:28Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
me: *shoots for the moon*moon: *starts shooting back*me: what dafuq?
(DIR) Post #AcnidzUdB1eGdUGxhg by gupton68@mastodon.online
2023-12-14T12:33:17Z
1 likes, 3 repeats
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
(DIR) Post #AdXv8syL0S42hdHPRA by gupton68@mastodon.online
2024-01-05T13:37:49Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
wife: *indignant* BASTARDS!me: what’s up?wife: I just filled the bird feeders and the squirrels are stealing nuts by the handfulme: you do know that to a squirrel a handful is just one nut?wife: I despise you
(DIR) Post #AdZYjowN38xYHdvG52 by gupton68@mastodon.online
2024-01-06T14:47:50Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
A friend called me an uber dad today, and if by that they meant I get to drive my kids everywhere and bring them food all day for little reward and a stream of 1 star reviews then yes, I suppose I am.