Posts by goatsarah@thegoatery.dyndns.org
(DIR) Post #AkE4N6sei0DamRAscK by goatsarah@thegoatery.dyndns.org
2024-07-23T10:21:22Z
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That thing transphobes do, where something trips in their brains and they end up doing nothing but obsessing about trans women, while probably in a darkened room with no clean underwear surrounded by empty pot noodles and bags of their own urine.There is a pop-psychology concept amongst tech geeks of a "basilisk". This is something that, once you become aware of it, it breaks you. You cannot come back once you have experienced the basilisk. It's a one way ticket to, usually, madness, or perhaps total system shutdown. It's generalised from the idea from antiquity of the basilisk as a creature that turns you to stone.There's a fun story called Blit - linked here, http://www.infinityplus.co.uk/stories/blit.htm about a visual basilisk. Another example is something called Roko's Basilisk which is basically Pascal's wager for atheists who spend too long in Silicon Valley (it's stupid, but some of the terrible people with more money than sense, like Musk and Thiel, actually appear to believe it, and are therefore broken by it, and I reiterate, it's really, really stupid).Anyway, in the latter case, Roko's Basilisk breaks you by becoming aware of it, BUT, here's the thing: it only works on certain people. They have to be susceptible, and in the case of Roko, the susceptibility lies around a particular weak spot in the ability of otherwise intelligent people to think critically and realise, "this is fucking stupid".But, here's the thing, TO THOSE WHO ARE SUSCEPTIBLE, I've realised that trans women are a basilisk.Look at people like Graham Lineman, J K Rowling, and a load of less famous people who have ended up in the same state. They all reached a point where SOMETHING relating to the fact that trans women exist tripped them into some downward doom spiral that has basically pushed their brain into a self-reinforcing state of insanity that they can't recover from.There are probably several psychology PhDs for the taking on the subject of this.But it seems I, and many women like me, are basilisks. This is a public post. Some of the people hate reading it have already passed the trigger condition. If you're one of them, you should probably empty some of those bags of your own wee and eat a fresh vegetable, if you can. Good luck!My name is Sarah, and I am a basilisk. Fear me.
(DIR) Post #AkhQKAxcumMb8qLMS8 by goatsarah@thegoatery.dyndns.org
2024-08-05T11:01:09Z
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British middle class: These far right riots were disgusting! Where were the police while all this was going on?Rage Against The Machine: Was there some lack of clarity on our part?
(DIR) Post #AktT36Ipbx7hX1KYeu by goatsarah@thegoatery.dyndns.org
2024-08-12T11:18:14Z
1 likes, 1 repeats
Saw someone elsewhere assert that Britain is “one of the least corrupt countries in the world”, and couldn’t let that go unchallenged, so here’s what I said:Only because of this one weird loophole, which I will explain below:For the last decade, the previous government has been awarding public contracts for infrastructure, etc, to what are essentially shell companies run by their mates. These companies then do the bare minimum for as long as possible, which if you drive round the UK, is why you see all those road “improvement” works which do nothing and take forever and never seem to have anyone working. It took two years to replace a roundabout with a set of traffic lights near my apartment, for example. Other examples: large amounts of “PPE equipment” during Covid which turned out to be useless junk.Obviously they aren’t actually spending anything but a trivial amount going through the motions, so what happens to the rest of the money, which let’s remember, was raised by taxes.Well, it gets donated back to the ruling party as “political donations”, and then if the pretend contractor does a good enough job of this, they get an knighthood, or even a seat in the House of Lords for “services rendered”.Now you might think that this sounds corrupt, and you would be right. It sounds deeply corrupt, but apparently it’s not because a lot of the global agencies which work out corruption indices are based in, checks notes, London, and are probably in on the scam, and get to define what “corruption” means, and define it to mean, “not this”.Et voila! You have a country with one of the biggest wealth gaps in Europe funnelling vast amounts of public money to populist spaffers in government, all legal, laundered and sanitised.The whole of UK society is like this. It’s how it works, and once you see it you either join in, or walk away in disgust.
(DIR) Post #Al6e8EmZ8WWRpTMyVE by goatsarah@thegoatery.dyndns.org
2024-08-18T22:50:17Z
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Dear heterosexual men: you’re finding bras hard to take off because they’re designed for us to remove with our right hand.But you’re facing the other way.Try with the left.You’re welcome.
(DIR) Post #AnlU4ocn2gdKPMke4O by goatsarah@thegoatery.dyndns.org
2024-11-06T11:41:30Z
2 likes, 1 repeats
So glad I got my nervous breakdown response to this shit out of the way after the Brexit referendum.My deepest, most profound sympathies for anyone going through anything similar today. It’s fucking horrible.
(DIR) Post #AoiloAtbwvJCG4A3pg by goatsarah@thegoatery.dyndns.org
2024-12-04T22:31:51Z
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We now head over to our “No shit, Sherlock!” desk for some breaking news…
(DIR) Post #AptYEfG7VlwNbqGx96 by goatsarah@thegoatery.dyndns.org
2025-01-08T23:53:24Z
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@tomjennings Auto exposure will always try to make the bulk of the image medium brightness. This is usually what you want, which is why cameras do it. If you do not want this, dial in some exposure compensation. Dunno about android but in iOS you do it by swiping up or down after doing long press for focus and exposure lock.
(DIR) Post #Apv8zotwmof5Q9TNIW by goatsarah@thegoatery.dyndns.org
2025-01-09T23:13:57Z
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Vladimir Putin now joint first place in UK opinion poll. findoutnow.co.uk/blog/voting-i…
(DIR) Post #Aq90sGgPX22DqaT5qy by goatsarah@thegoatery.dyndns.org
2025-01-16T15:19:26Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
@mloxton @sundogplanets this is sadly not a new issue. Wanna sail in this area? Need to check that the French are not lobbing suborbital ballistic missiles into it first.
(DIR) Post #AqGteDRLeBo5JwSEwS by goatsarah@thegoatery.dyndns.org
2025-01-20T10:26:29Z
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Me, a confirmed carnivore and green veg hater, entering rehab after visiting France.Why are they like that?
(DIR) Post #AqzlynjtJbUkYw5PBw by goatsarah@thegoatery.dyndns.org
2025-01-30T16:34:59Z
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Seeing the number of self service checkouts in UK supermarkets is freaking me out a bit. Obviously we have them in Portugal too, but humans are still very much the default.
(DIR) Post #Au2fz2NiS70B0xVa88 by goatsarah@thegoatery.dyndns.org
2025-05-13T05:43:17Z
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This blows my mind. My sleep data from Apple Health over the last 6 months.The green line marks the point I started amphetamines. It doesn’t make a lot of difference.The red line: I read Sisters of Dorley
(DIR) Post #AxWMhORgLEZ2sN3SKW by goatsarah@thegoatery.dyndns.org
2025-08-25T06:57:48Z
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You know how neurotypical people talk about how they make and hold eye contact?It’s a lie. They do no such thing. I can do it on ADHD meds and if you don’t look away it really freaks them out.
(DIR) Post #Axf7xj8hQ6fQng95e4 by goatsarah@thegoatery.dyndns.org
2025-08-29T11:50:13Z
1 likes, 9 repeats
I want to explain a few things and then it might be clearer why UK trans people are upset.In 2001 I married my wife, Sylvia.In 2005 I started medical transition. For the state to recognise this I had to submit to standards of "care" which were humiliating, degrading and which placed me at risk of violence.But I did it "by the book"As I did it "by the book", the NHS agreed to reregister me as female, which makes sense because my anatomy now is.In 2007 I had sex reassignment surgery. This had to be signed off by two mental health professionals, "by the book", and it was.In 2008 I applied for gender recognition. This involved signing a statutory obligation, stating that I promised, BY LAW, to live fully as female for the rest of my life. As this was done, "by the book", the government promised that it would treat me as such.Its first act as treating me as female was to annul our marriage because it was a same sex marriage and those were not allowed.The state then reissued my birth certificate, correcting the "mistake" it had originally made when it recorded me as male, "by the book".In 2009 Sylvia and I married for the second time, in a same sex civil partnership, which was done "by the book", because the state regarded me as female and I was bound by law to be female.In 2013 we married again, because the state decided that same sex marriage was in fact allowed after all. This was done, "by the book". Despite having been married for 12 years, we had to submit ourselves to individual questioning to prove our relationship was genuine, "by the book".In April of 2025 the state turned round and told me that I had been mistaken. That it never regarded me as female. That I was male the whole time. That the marriage it annulled because it was a same sex marriage was never a same sex marriage (but it stays annulled). That the civil partnership in 2009 never really happened because "opposite sex" civil partnerships were not allowed in 2009.And that the legal obligation I have to live as female for the rest of my life, which I signed and gave up my marriage for, is still in effect but also if I keep following it, I am breaking the law and subject to arrest. As it's still valid, presumably if I don't keep following it, I am also breaking the law and subject to arrest.The law of the land simultaneously requires me to be both a man and a woman and if I do either then I am breaking the law and subject to arrest.At every stage I did what the state asked me to, even though it was humiliating, degrading and cruel.And it kept moving the goalposts, and reneging on the agreements it made, whilst continuing to hold me to them even when they are now mutually contradictory.Apparently this is "all my fault" and I should have known that this would be the consequences of my actions when I started medical transition 2 decades ago.Perhaps you can now appreciate why we are upset?
(DIR) Post #B07Bvxfzjm99g1Fnbk by goatsarah@thegoatery.dyndns.org
2025-11-09T14:41:53Z
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Swan on River Stort. iPhone 16 pro, pro raw, Adobe Lightroom
(DIR) Post #B1H9yHPErG8rvMXpBI by goatsarah@thegoatery.dyndns.org
2025-12-15T12:25:37Z
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A good place to take stock after 8 months on daily amphetamine. For most of that time, I’ve taken the equivalent of 40mg dexamphetamine daily (this is complicated by half of my usual daily intake being in its prodrug form as lisdexamphetamine)The first thing that strikes me is that at that level of usage, I’m pretty sure a neurotypical person would be considered an addict.So am I an addict? I joke that I am, but no, I’m not. If anything, the opposite. I now admit that 8 months ago I absolutely had a substance misuse problem.But that substance was alcohol.Since the time I took my first pill, I think I’ve drunk maybe 8 units. That’s 1 shot a month.I was self medicating on alcohol and it was destroying my health. Now I feel no compulsion towards the stuff at all. Initially I felt repulsion towards it, as I did towards sugary snacks. That repulsion has largely gone as the damage done to my body by prolonged abuse of both fades.My attitude towards both alcohol and snacks is now a more nuanced “meh”. I don’t drink it, and my diet is better than it’s ever been.The honeymoon period lasted a few months. In that time the apartment was spotless, dishes and laundry were done instantly, bins were emptied promptly, stuff just got done.That’s settled a bit as well. I have now discovered the glory of “I can’t be arsed”. This, it should be noted, is entirely different to executive dysfunction; the latter is WANTING to sort my environment out and literally being unable to. The former is “meh, it’s ok if I do the thing later”, because I do actually do it later.This deserves an asterisk. It works better with things like housework that have an instant visible payoff because that hits the dopamine thing. Stuff requiring delayed gratification … I’m working on it, ok?Emotional regulation: the first few weeks I was Full Vulcan. Nobody and nothing got to me. I was so used to the dysregulated baseline that ordinarily modulated emotions were barely noticeable.Since then I’ve become used to feeling emotions at what is, I guess, a more neurotypical level. This means that yes, I cab still get pissed off. I’m just a lot less likely to go straight to DEFCOM 2, or throw a full on temper tantrum.Which brings me to the thing that is probably the single most hated thing about having ADHD: rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD).Not only does psychiatry not regard RSD as a symptom of ADHD (nor does it regard executive dysfunction and emotional dysregulation as symptoms, because psychiatry is not sending its best and brightest and still thinks this is about fidgeting and squirrels); it doesn’t even acknowledge it exists.It exists. It’s pervasive. Lots, if not most ADHDers live in constant fear of it. The nuclear bomb lurking in your own brain waiting to just go off because someone used the wrong tone of voice with you when talking about whether you want tea or coffee or something stupid like that.It’s still there medicated, but it’s turned down to its absolute lowest setting, and that is such a relief.There is a downside to emotions being regulated and RSD being tamed though; I am able to get to emotional places that simply were not accessible before.And those places are full of the horror of realisation of what this hateful condition has done to me, and the depth of the generational trauma of being the child of multiple generations of chaos goblins who never received help or recognition. It’s even allowed me a modicum of compassion towards my father who, I must add, is still my first bully, still the bogeyman in my head, and still someone I can’t quite forgive.But I do understand him now. And I understand, probably better than he does, what he goes though on a daily basis. I was plucked from hell. He’s still there.And always will be.LolOk. Look. My sympathy has limits.For the first 2 decades of my life I do not have a single memory of anyone ever showing me any kindness. At all. Ever.I have a therapist now. Her name is Hannah. She is late diagnosed ADHD like me, and like me is a member of the Cult of Amphetamine. Those were basic requirements because unless you’ve been there, I really don’t think you can appreciate what a weird and utterly messed up existence this is. She’s utterly lovely and really rather good at her job.I’m making more progress with her than I dared think possible, but I very much feel like I’m exploring completely new ground with no map or compass and few supplies and provisions and I don’t know which of the weird native plants are edible.It is bloody hard work, but once one sees how utterly maladaptive the way one used to cope was, it becomes impossible to keep doing that to oneself.But dear god, it’s painful. At times I will grudgingly allow some upsides to being born like this (hyper fantasia, amazing balance, a mind that has no coice but to be a runaway inference engine, which turned out to be quite lucrative), but I can’t bring myself to be grateful for it. The damage it has done is unspeakable.And none of this is a cure. I am still that person. I will always have ADHD and I am under no illusions that without powerful CNS stimulants, within weeks I will be exactly what I was before with any concept of the ability to work as a functioning adult being a distant and dim memory.I am at the mercy of the precarious supply of controlled substances in a society that shows people like us no understanding or compassion, and thinks we can “just snap out of it and try harder”.They have no idea how hard most of us had to try our entire lives. It has broken me, utterly.I need amphetamine to function.I need amphetamine to function.I won’t leave the house without it. This is not a chemical dependency. This is because I now understand the astonishing levels of stress just existing unmedicated in the world involved, and I can’t subject myself to that any more.I’m not an addict, but in some ways I live like one. Want to meet for lunch or coffee (yes, I still drink caffeine)? Sure. As long as I can guarantee I’m hone within the 12 hours window I can guarantee that the meds are working for.Some ADHDers with meds will go out into the world in “messy” mode. I’m not one of them. I’ve done it under duress. I don’t enjoy it. At all.And as long as I’m big having a bad meds day, because they happen. And when they do, I’m not really all that functional then either.Because I’m disabled. Always have been. To see me now, you might conclude diagnosis and medication have been negative for me. You might see someone who has been reduced, constrained.You would be wrong. You probably never saw how hard I was paddling to pretend to be something I wasn’t, and how much damage that was doing to me. I was staring to enter a death spiral that wild have led to chronic ill health, type II diabetes, alcoholism and death.And that is before further inevitable burnouts, each one taking more and more from me. They had already taken nearly everything. So much wasted potential. So much joy that hard to be in my heart that has just … gone. Taken by this hateful thing that I was born with; born AS. A brain that can’t stop arguing amongst itself about what to do, and results in doing nothing instead.What amphetamine did is let me look at the full horror of the wreckage of my life, something I was in total denial about before, sigh, cry, and then start cleaning the mess up as best I can.But it also gives me clarity of focus; precision of movement, reduction of sensory overload, and the ability to just shut the fuck up and listen to people sometimes.And perhaps the ability to finally stop hating myself.I had no idea where this road led back in early April when, together with Zoe, I took my first Elvanse pill. Well, ok, I had some ideas.But I was not prepared for the sheer enormity of it.Another day, another 12 precious precious hours.
(DIR) Post #B1HAcpj0gFjRwh871s by goatsarah@thegoatery.dyndns.org
2025-12-15T14:52:54Z
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@Unabart I get mine from Boots.
(DIR) Post #B1HFabQLNczWmd9eBE by goatsarah@thegoatery.dyndns.org
2025-12-15T15:02:04Z
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@Unabart Big UK pharmacy chain.
(DIR) Post #B1HumHW3JrHidTVpVw by goatsarah@thegoatery.dyndns.org
2025-12-15T23:23:26Z
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@Unabart Adderall is not available in Europe. I take Elvanse (lisdexamphetamine) and Amfexa (dexamphetamine). I believe both are available in Germany. You will need an ADHD diagnosis and prescription to get them.
(DIR) Post #B1J476lbZaTo7mkiq8 by goatsarah@thegoatery.dyndns.org
2025-12-16T00:39:36Z
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@Unabart well they can make me rather sleepy.