Posts by fesshole@mastodon.social
(DIR) Post #B28XnMWD9Q16OT50t6 by fesshole@mastodon.social
2026-01-10T04:25:09Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
Catch Fesshole Live in Leicester, Luton and Leeds – tickets available now! We’re off to Sweden too, visiting Malmö, Göteborg and Stockholm, and bringing Anon Opin to Leicester. https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
(DIR) Post #B2AJUshQGkBFelXNAG by fesshole@mastodon.social
2026-01-10T22:20:06Z
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I'm the PA to a CEO of a very large global corporation. It's been an eye opener for me, the guy can't do the simplest of daily life tasks, like make a cup of coffee. If there was an apocalypse he would be the first to go - that thought keeps me going.
(DIR) Post #B2Gpr5hay6ffpv0nDc by fesshole@mastodon.social
2026-01-13T12:20:06Z
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My husband keeps a database that tracks what is spent, where, and on what. He asked how I managed to spend so much on eggs in 2025. We each have two eggs for breakfast every day and that's all. But I also buy eggs to give to the foxes and they each have one every day.
(DIR) Post #B2M5cwPjH6WA24jI6i by fesshole@mastodon.social
2026-01-16T20:20:06Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
My wife looked at our joint account and realised that I had spent hundreds on an app. Concerned, she asked me if I was using escorts or prostitutes, or using a porn app. I didn't answer as I couldn't admit I have spent hundreds on Candy Crush.
(DIR) Post #B2NxpVilQ3xvh22FQ8 by fesshole@mastodon.social
2026-01-17T15:20:05Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
My proudest parenting moment was when my 11yo daughter asked me to teach her how to write software so she could strip the adverts from the podcasts she downloaded. That's when you know you have a good kid.
(DIR) Post #B2OOY4XHwAULDfZpL6 by fesshole@mastodon.social
2026-01-17T08:20:06Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
New boss casually used the word "dramastically" in a meeting and no batted an eye. Tried it myself a few times, no reactions from anyone. Beginning to think they all believe it's actually a word, or it somehow became one without me knowing.
(DIR) Post #B2RT9fpwv9CceEv9cG by fesshole@mastodon.social
2026-01-19T10:20:06Z
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My wife gets upset unless the TV's volume is set to a prime number (generally 67 or 73) but I have to have it on an even number. The range she selects is fine but need it to be divisible by 2. So we watch very little TV and mostly read detective novels.
(DIR) Post #B2Xf4qvGdpCzyqdSNs by fesshole@mastodon.social
2026-01-18T11:20:06Z
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A few years back, I was singing Kunt & the Gang's "Use my arsehole as a c**t" to myself while lubing up the Xmas turkey with butter. Normal. What better time for the mother-in-law to walk in? We have NEVER mentioned it, obv, but every festive season I remember and die inside.
(DIR) Post #B2XvRDSP8bqvVVowM4 by fesshole@mastodon.social
2026-01-22T14:20:06Z
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Analytics shows me when clients have accessed my server. I also see details of their geographic locations. Many are clearly using VPNs. Which means they've probably been accessing porn. Not my confession but theirs. The dirty buggers.
(DIR) Post #B2YdnUs5T7c7s2Gga0 by fesshole@mastodon.social
2026-01-22T22:20:06Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
I still get nervous when meeting important clients for my job, so I've started imagining myself shuffling sideways into the room like a crab while snapping my hands like crab claws and shouting "crabby crab crab". Seems to help but I'm a bit worried I'll actually do it one day.
(DIR) Post #B2ZVLsbl1BL0u9uUDI by fesshole@mastodon.social
2026-01-23T04:25:10Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
Come to Fesshole Live in 2026! Tickets are now on sale for Glasgow, Leicester, Luton and Leeds. The Sweden Tour visits Malmö, Göteborg and Stockholm, and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow . Best of Fesshole, audience confessions, secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
(DIR) Post #B2bbX1DwJSkGqwNs36 by fesshole@mastodon.social
2026-01-24T09:20:05Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
I was in my 30s when someone mentioned air guitar and did the universal mime. Until that moment I had been convinced that there was a type of guitar powered by air, a bit like some kind of bagpipe with strings.
(DIR) Post #B2exG7mv9Sxq4UWNaC by fesshole@mastodon.social
2026-01-25T12:20:06Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
I used to be a PA for a billionaire. I once authorised an 8k payment for new cushions for him. This really sticks in my mind as, aside from my house, I've never paid that amount for anything. Not even a car.
(DIR) Post #B2hTUKgNao3sxzCTQm by fesshole@mastodon.social
2026-01-24T19:20:05Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
I sometimes look in the mirror and pull my lips right back to imagine what my skull would look like should an archaeologist find it in the future. Weird to think of them looking at my teeth, and neither they nor anyone else alive having any idea of who I was. Memento mori.
(DIR) Post #B2hlO7vLuixCpmOV4i by fesshole@mastodon.social
2026-01-27T08:20:06Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
I'm dead against the proposed new housing development near us but the group formed in opposition to it is so full of flag-shaggers, illiterates, reactionaries and general numpties that I'm actually coming around to the idea that some new neighbours might be a good thing.
(DIR) Post #B2izuAkyVj97P0fu1A by fesshole@mastodon.social
2026-01-27T21:20:06Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
My dog loves to follow me around and 'supervise' when I do any work in the garden. Sometimes even if the plants don't need watering, I will wander around with the empty watering can pretending to water them just so he can enjoy feeling helpful.
(DIR) Post #B2jDOeXLeTjrr7AK1o by fesshole@mastodon.social
2026-01-02T13:20:05Z
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We have a usefully sized metallic bowl that comes out, amongst others, to accommodate the buffet food we put on for various family events. It also doubles up as the family sick bowl during our most vulnerable moments. I'll always give the contents of that one a miss.
(DIR) Post #B2lBkGZZcSIoJLIwc4 by fesshole@mastodon.social
2026-01-28T09:20:06Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
Recently bought a used Audi A3 hybrid because it was a surprisingly good bargain. I now spend my days being outrageously courteous to other road users because I don't want to be lumped in with those other shit heads.
(DIR) Post #B2mPS2CJv58120aYEq by fesshole@mastodon.social
2026-01-29T11:20:05Z
2 likes, 1 repeats
Sainsbury's year end review made me realise how much of a fatty I am, number 1 item was caramel tarts. Number 1 buyer in the whole of England.
(DIR) Post #B2piocHMvoiTuUJM4e by fesshole@mastodon.social
2026-01-30T10:20:06Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
I work at a major body. As a good deed we regularly give our old computers to local cash-strapped schools. I used to assign only the best to my child's school. Due to their poor response to my child being bullied, I now ensure that school only gets the shittiest machines.