Posts by SirEviscerate@mastodon.social
(DIR) Post #AS7u093jSpjhDiEskK by SirEviscerate@mastodon.social
2023-01-28T14:33:05Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
Me: I guess that's when I truly knew I was a father.Guy dying from poison: Lovely anecdote, but not what I asked for.
(DIR) Post #ASbnwhuSJ7fiJ4QG4u by SirEviscerate@mastodon.social
2023-01-30T22:55:15Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
*flips table* I CAN'T GIVE MORE THAN ONE THING MY UNDIVIDED ATTENTION
(DIR) Post #ASmYWZA2qn0T4RLn1s by SirEviscerate@mastodon.social
2023-02-10T13:00:55Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
I'm very smart, but you would be wise to not underestimate my stupidity.
(DIR) Post #ASo7758f1ijQGwFLZA by SirEviscerate@mastodon.social
2023-02-18T13:59:34Z
0 likes, 2 repeats
So, I found this "scientific massager" at a thrift shop yesterday. It fits over your hand and makes your fingertips vibrate. It was primarily sold as a scalp massager for barbershops. But your mom/grandma would have found other uses for it.
(DIR) Post #ASo776rMd05HbsAYsq by SirEviscerate@mastodon.social
2023-02-18T14:00:20Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
Billy, no.
(DIR) Post #ASpCd4ep2sEiyWKA88 by SirEviscerate@mastodon.social
2022-11-23T04:11:44Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don't appreciate your accusations
(DIR) Post #AT0Uu23NundvjhblVQ by SirEviscerate@mastodon.social
2023-02-13T14:29:17Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
Accidentally had an entropy drink instead of an energy drink, and now my molecules are dissipating and scattering randomly into the void
(DIR) Post #AT0XXmeyldr7U9H8YS by SirEviscerate@mastodon.social
2023-02-21T22:43:39Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
Trying to get my shit together, but it's like getting two north poles of a magnet to stick.
(DIR) Post #AT0XYSoK3IHkDHyBwu by SirEviscerate@mastodon.social
2023-02-19T10:27:57Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
HEIST MASTERMIND: There's laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
(DIR) Post #AT0XZ2w1k7q4FbqqxM by SirEviscerate@mastodon.social
2023-02-19T00:17:16Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
[Movie] is criminally underrated. Anyone who does not enjoy [movie] deserves to be arrested, tried, jailed, and publicly executed.
(DIR) Post #AT0XdanbmKfERA56zA by SirEviscerate@mastodon.social
2023-02-18T11:31:00Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
So awkward. Interviewer said "Show me an example of your best work", and I heard "Best twerk". Anyway, I start on Monday.
(DIR) Post #AT0Xfp8zPplRVR98TI by SirEviscerate@mastodon.social
2023-02-13T18:39:42Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
Cleaning my car is like an archaeological excavation. I found an empty Crystal Pepsi bottle the other day.
(DIR) Post #ATemVBQZ4pZdPeRfN2 by SirEviscerate@mastodon.social
2023-03-15T21:25:42Z
0 likes, 3 repeats
She blinded me with science! Specifically, geology! (She threw a rock at my face)
(DIR) Post #AUnR7H6GR2uHcpAPY0 by SirEviscerate@mastodon.social
2023-04-15T20:34:25Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*...*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
(DIR) Post #AVSYdIar5FV6gS3A5w by SirEviscerate@mastodon.social
2023-05-08T21:05:02Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
*flatlining EKG sounds*NURSE: You're a disgrace to your profession.ME: Actually, I'm a damn good accountant. Surgery is just a hobby.
(DIR) Post #Az0zftFJZnkoDvL24u by SirEviscerate@mastodon.social
2025-10-08T23:15:57Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
I got a rejection letter. I didn't submit anything to anyone, they were just rejecting me in principle.
(DIR) Post #Az4Fmnto2I2EPNTaAS by SirEviscerate@mastodon.social
2025-10-10T12:06:42Z
1 likes, 1 repeats
God: When the humans are alone, they should be able to hear music in their heads sometimes.Angel: That's a lovely idea.God: And it should be a 8 second loop of a song they don't really like and can't exactly remember the lyrics to.Angel: ...God: There's no way to make it stop.
(DIR) Post #AzFPtFIYDRsdP3JtrM by SirEviscerate@mastodon.social
2025-10-15T21:43:16Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
I bet the original truck nuts are saggy enough by now to drag along the asphalt
(DIR) Post #AzRrWWDWH6czpSR9bU by SirEviscerate@mastodon.social
2025-10-21T22:39:10Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
[Kindergarten Halloween party]Me: Put your hand in the spoOoOoky box to feel the bloody eyeballs!Kids: Ewwww!!! Teacher (to me): Thanks for helping out. I love that trick with the peeled grapes.Me: Grapes?
(DIR) Post #B06RoD9ZiLHPTCSL6u by SirEviscerate@mastodon.social
2025-11-10T03:50:57Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
[Medieval monastery]Abbot: Did you draw in the margins of this bible?Me: Yeah, it's called illumination. Very fancy.Abbot: *opens book* Is this a tree growing dicks instead of fruit?Me: lol yeah