Subj : Metric Dozen To : All From : George Pope Date : Sun Mar 07 2021 10:52:13 Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies. Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . . Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Becaue you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;) -= 1 =- On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the under ground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them. "What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked. "It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly. "Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?" "No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would most likely blow it out." -= 2 =- ~#~ ty to Twitter @Dadsaysjokes Q: What do you call someone who points out the obvious? A: Someone who points out the obvious. -=- I once met an astronaut who was claustrophobic.. Turns out he just needed a little space. -=- My dad always told me “don’t be quick to find faults”. Good man, terrible geologist. -=- The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies. " I replied, "Tell him he's very good. I don't have a son." -=- Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards” Me: “and?” -=- What did Tennessee? Same thing that Arkansas. -=- When I was in college, I was rejected from every fraternity because I was circumcised. Apparently, you need to be a complete dick. -=- Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii... Or just a low ha. -=- Science puns make me numb But math puns make me number. -=- Just spent $300 on hiring a limousine and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver. Can't believe I've spent all that money and have nothing to chauffer it. -=- Q: What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks? A: A Labracadabrador. -=- Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case. -=- Q: Why do astronauts use linux? A: because you can't open windows in space. -=- -= 3 =- Starkle, starkle, little twink Who the hell you are, I think I'm not as drunk as some thinkle peep I am Besides, I've only had tea martoonies And, anyways, I've got all day sober to Sunday up in I fool so feelish, I don't know who's me yet But, the drunker I sit here, the longer I get" -= 5 =- Aging Rockers -- Tim Hawkins https://youtu.be/Z7Nu7vamRCA (needs volume) -= 6 =- "What idiot called it a semicolon instead of half-arsed?" -= 7 =- aaand, the late night quotes: "I've been trying to say 'I love you' more often, starting this morning. I said it to my family before I left the house. And then to my barista. And then to her manager, when the barista complained that one of the customers was making her uncomfortable." -Stephen Colbert "According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking. Because if there's one thing women love, it's a man who can lie." -Seth Meyers "Engineers have begun trying to find a way to brew beer on the moon. Which means we'll soon have astronauts calling into Mission Control saying, 'Houston, we have a drinking problem.'" -Conan O'Brien "According to a new report, 67 percent of millennials use Netflix, which must really tick off whoever owns the account they're using." -Seth Meyers "An artificially intelligent sex robot is expected to hit the market next year. Because that's what guys want in a sex robot - intelligence." -Conan O'Brien -= 8 =- When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: "Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'" One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?" -= 9 =- The heaviest element known to science is Managerium. This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus made up of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles. Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization. Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons. -= 10 =- This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning. He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her. When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying, "I need a man, I need a man." This happens quite a few times until one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, but instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man. So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying, "I need a bike, I need a bike!" Your friend, <+]:{)} Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM --- SBBSecho 3.13-Linux * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2) .