Subj : Metric Dozen
To   : All
From : George Pope
Date : Tue Feb 02 2021 12:45:08

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . . 

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Becaue
you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;) 

-= 1 =-
~#~ H/T to upjoke.com for contributions to this & last issue  ~#~

I know several jokes in sign language
I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

-= 2 =-
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.
Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be
here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened
to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been 
expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a 
seat!'

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch,
and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and
out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job 
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good 
look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and
when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels
began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh....equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we
can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

-= 3 =-
A horse and his mother are in the barn watching TV when an ad comes on. It's
for a music school that can teach anyone to play any insturment, guaranteed.
The horse has always wanted to be play the guitar, so he calls them up.

"Hey, I want to learn to play the guitar," he says, "Can you teach me?" and
the school responds, "Sure, we can teach anyone!" The horse says "But I'm a
horse, is that a problem?" and the school days "No, come on down!"

A few weeks later, the horse is riffing on an electric guitar in the barn,
which, of course, draws some attention. He's approached by the pig who asks,
"Hey, how did you learn to do that?"

The horse says, "Well, there's a music school that can teach anyone to play
any insturment." "Really?" asks the pig. "Guaranteed," the horse says.

So the pig calls up and says "Hey, I want to learn to play the keyboard," he
says, "Can you teach me?" and the school responds, "Sure, we can teach
anyone!" The pig says "But I'm a pig, is that a problem?" and the school days
"No, come on down!"

A few weeks later, the pig is playing synth to back up the horse and it 
sounds pretty good, and it draws the attention of the chicken. She comes in
and asks the horse and the pig, "Hey, how did you learn to do that?"

The horse says, "Well, there's a music school that can teach anyone to play
any insturment." "Really?" asks the chicken. "Guaranteed," confirms the pig.

So the chicken calls up and says "Hey, I want to learn to play the drums," 
she says, "Can you teach me?" and the school responds, "Sure, we can teach
anyone!" The chicken says "But I'm a chicken, is that a problem?" and the
school days "No, come on down!"

A few weeks later they've got a hit little trio going, drawing in all the 
barn animals. A talent agent drives by and hears them, and stops to see 
what's going on. He signs them instantly and they take the show on the road.

The trio have a metoric rise to fame; gold records, sold out shows, screaming
fans, national tours. They're all set for their first international tour,
cruising around Europe with their music.

The band is about to get on the plane when the horse gets a phone call. It's
his mother; she's become very sick and taken a turn for the worse. He has to
go see her, and cen't get on the plane. His bandmates, great friends by now,
tell him not to worry. They'll go on ahead and he can take another flight
after he sees his mother.

They get on the plane and the horse goes home, but, he's too late. She's
already passed, and he didn't get to see her that one last time. Although he
is crushed with grief, he stays strong for his friends. He decides to 
dedicate this tour to his mother.

He calls his agent to get a flight to Europe, but he is told there's no tour.
The plane with the pig and chicken exploded midair - something about a fuel
line. No survivors.

The horse gets in his car and speeds into town; he needs to escape this. He
drives around till he finds somewhere to park, then he gets out downtown.

The horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

-= 4 =-
I've developed a FOOL-PROOF, GUARANTEED method to lose 5 pounds or more in
only MINUTES, and to keep it off PERMANENTLY!!!

Find out more in my new book, "The Idiot's Guide to Self-Amputation."

-= 5 =-
What sexual position guarantees the ugliest baby?

Go ask your mother

-= 6 =-
Fonzie Jokes: Guaranteed to solicit awkward groans in any social gathering.
Do you often find yourself thinking "what this social gathering needs is some
awkward silence!" Well, you have come to the right place. these jokes are
10,000% guaranteed to get you all the groans and derrisive stares you want,
guaranteed or your karma back!

Here is collection of comedy gold I've developed over the years.

Whats The Fonz's favorite baseball team?
The Oakland Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy's

What sexually transmitted disease did The Fonz contract?
Hepatitis Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
(Eyyyyyyyyyd's also works)

What's The Fonz's favorite country?
The U-S-of-Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Feel free to make up your own, its the gift that keeps on giving!

-= 7 =-
I always try to say 'mucho' when i'm with my Hispanic mates...

....it means a lot to them.

-= 8 =-
"I'm sad to have to tell you this, but you have ocular melanoma"

"I'm not medically minded doctor. Can you put that in layman's terms for me?"

"Yes ... I can sir"

-= 9 =-
Apparently, BBC flagship programme Newsnight is going to hire Pippa 
Middleton, Kate's younger sister, as a news correspondent.

Which just goes to show you that if you work hard, get straight As and go to
journalism school ...

you'll lose your dream job to a woman whose sister has married a Prince.

-= 10 =-
We'll close with the comic quotes today:

"More than 60 cities around the world celebrated the 16th annual No Pants
Subway Ride yesterday. Or as that one guy on your train calls it, 'Sunday.'"
-Seth Meyers

"A dog in Seattle is making news after commuters noticed it had been riding
the bus to a local park all by itself. Everyone says the dog is amazing, 
while the dog said, panicking, 'I gotta find that blind guy. I'm in a lot of
trouble if I don't find him." -Jimmy Fallon

"A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens
your life by 22 minutes. That doesn't sound too bad to me. You'd probably
watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Police are looking for a woman who stole $3,000 worth of cat-grooming
supplies at an airport baggage carousel. Police describe the suspect as
'single.'" -Seth Meyers

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
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