Subj : Metric Dozen To : All From : George Pope Date : Mon Feb 01 2021 21:23:56 Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies. Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . . Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Becaue you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;) -= 1 =- When our client's dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. "Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find," he told me. At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. "Believe it or not," I said, "this is for a sick dog." As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, "These are for my cats." -= 2 =- Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk: Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon. Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk: Specificity; Cogito ergo sum; British; Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate. Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk: Thanks, but I don't want to have sex; Nope, no more booze for me; Sorry, but you're not really my type; Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? Oh, I just couldn't-- no one wants to hear me sing! -= 3 =- A story from my childhood, with one of my teachers who was patient with me. . .. I didn't deserve her! Young Cyberpope: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left? Teacher: 502. Young Cyberpope: How do you put an elephant in a fridge? Teacher:No you can’t fit an elephant in a fridge!! Young Cyberpope: Just open door, put elephant in, close door. Young Cyberpope: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge? Teacher: open door,put giraffe in, close door Young Cyberpope: no! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door. Young Cyberpope: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one? Teacher: let me guess the lion? Young Cyberpope: No!The giraffe because He’s in a fridge. Teacher: WOW! Young Cyberpope: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How? Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth? Young Cyberpope:The gators are at the party. Young Cyberpope: But Sally dies anyway. Why? Teacher:She drowned?! Young Cyberpope: no! She got hit in the head by a flying brick. -= 4 =- In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down. The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one. -= 5 =- A couple was at this party when they suddenly get in the mood to do it. The guy comes near the girl but she says, "I am a little hungry can you get me some pretzels from downstairs ?" The guy all excited runs down for pretzels but there is a huge line of people around the bowl, figuring he couldn't do much he gets in line waits and rushes back with the pretzels. The girl, satisfying her hunger says, "Great! just it's a little too salty please be a dear and get me a small slice of cake too." The guy rushes down and sees the nearby table lined with people waiting for the delicious truffle chocolate cake. He gets in waits and hurries upstairs with the cake slice. The girl relishes the cake and content says one final thing, "I am so sorry honey ! I feel like I am making you run errands for like an eternity but I feel a little dry can you please please be a sweetheart and get me something to drink?" The guy, even though slightly annoyed charges downstairs running and sees a bowl of punch at the centre table but there's no punchline. -= 6 =- Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10. He says, ‟2, 4, 6, 8, 10”. They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. He says ‟1, 3, 5, 7, 9”. Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain.They again asked him to count to 10 one more time. He says, ‟Look.I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers.No one has better numbers than I do.My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she is ever seen.The best.So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright.That's no problem.I'll do it.I'll.And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?” -= 7 =- Motel Coronavirus On a dim dreary morning Ceiling fan stirs the air Stale beer and Doritos Littered next to my chair Just outside of my window Saw a glimmer of light My eyes were bloodshot and my head pounding I hadn't slept all last night Haven't shaved for a month now Haven't showered in weeks I started thinking to myself 2020 - this year really reeks Murder hornets and COVID Protests, brutality Fires, heatwaves, and climate change Masks and quarantine Welcome to the Motel Coronavirus Such a lovely place When we can't see your face Livin' it up at the Motel Coronavirus This entire year Well it can kiss my rear My mind is definitely twisted I did the sourdough thing Tried my hand at carpentry Gave myself a nose ring Got my COVID beard going Man, does it itch And everywhere's sold out of that darn Nintendo Switch Just want to go somewhere Maybe have a good time I've been stuck in this apartment so long, it could be a war crime And now my landlord is calling me every day Wake me up from the middle of my nap Just to hear him say Welcome to the Motel Coronavirus Such a lovely place When we can't see your face Livin' it up at the Motel Coronavirus This entire year Well it can kiss my rear Bank account is shrinking Ain't been paid in months We are all just sitting here, learning to live like monks In Congressional chambers Fighting over the bill We need some help to make it through But they just never will Last thing I remember I was running for the door I had to find the passage back to 1994 Can't relax, feel so mournful I don't want to believe 2020 is the new normal And you can never leave -= 8 =- Once upon a time, there was a priest that worked at a church. He was a really good man, but very overweight and out of shape. He liked to joke about this, but he wasn't that interested in losing it, because it wouldn't really affect his life. Anyways, one day a man walked into the church after the services were over. He walked up to the priest and asked, "May I have half of a lemon?" The priest was confused, but didn't really care, so he went down to the kitchen, got a lemon, cut it in half, and gave half to the guy. The man said thanks, and ran off. The next day, after things were wrapping up, the same man came back in, and asked again, "May I have half of a lemon?" The priest was curious now, but he went down and got the other half of the lemon, giving it to the man. As happened before, the man said thanks, and ran away. This happened for the next few days, with the man always coming in and asking for half of a lemon. The priest was really interested now, so he decided to follow this man, just to catch up to ask what he needed all the lemons for. So, when the guy came back, the priest gave him half of a lemon, and started to run after him. They ran through the city streets, twisting and turning around corners and sidewalks. But eventually, the priest, being out of shape, couldn't keep up. He walked back to the church panting. The priest went to the gym the next day (after giving the man half a lemon, of course). He worked on the treadmills for about a week, and was now pretty good at running (not sure how he got that much better in a week, but eh, who cares). So, the next day, the man came in and asked for a half lemon, as usual. The priest gave it to him, and the man ran off. But the priest started following him, running up and down the streets of the town. Eventually, they got out of the town, and after going through a small field, came to a large forest. However, the floor of the forest was covered in brambles and thorns, completely impassible without an industrial-grade machete and hours of work. The man jumped up into the trees, though, and started jumping from branch to branch. The priest, however, sucked at climbing, so he turned around panting and went back to town, from which he started working out at the gym, doing climbing stuff, which he got good at. The next day, the man came back, and of course asked for a half lemon, which the priest got for him. They took off, running up and down the streets, before getting to the forest, at which point the man jumped into the trees, but the priest followed him this time. They jumped from branch to branch, before eventually getting through and running through a field. Eventually, they came to a massive lake, with more brambly forests on the sides. The man jumped into the water and swam across, but the priest didn't know how to swim, so he went to the pool and started learning for a few weeks. And of course, the man came back, asking for a half lemon, which the priest went down and got. They ran away, going through the town streets before getting to the field, then the forest where they climbed up the trees. Getting through, they ran up to the lake. The man jumped in and started to swim, but the priest jumped in after him. They swam and swam across the water, eventually getting to the other side, where there was a small cabin. The priest finally caught up to the man. "Why are you following me?" the man asked. "I just want to know what you need all the half lemons for." "Very well, but you must promise never to tell anyone else." "I agree," said the priest, and being an honorable man, he meant it. The man then whispered in the priest's ear. What did he say? ** !I don't know, the priest never told anyone, remember?! ** -= 9 =- I don't like Haikus; But I like ironic twists. I am conflicted. -= 10 =- Q: What's the name of a common garden plant, that if sat under for more than 30 minutes, would cause almost guaranteed death? A: A Water Lilly. <+]:{)} Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM --- SBBSecho 3.12-Linux * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2) .