Subj : Disorder In The Court To : Daryl Stout From : George Pope Date : Tue Mar 29 2022 11:00:44 > Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? > A: All my autopsies have been on dead people. From the same book (from memory, so pardon the brain farts if errors, pls) Attorney: You've testified the victim was dead, correct? Doctor: Yes, sir. A: Are you SURE he was dead. D: Well, I have his brain in a jar on my desk, but I guess he MIGHT be out practicing law somewhere. > Q: What happened then? > A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." > Q: Did he kill you? > A: No. Jeeze -- I know what was going on, theattorney was likely tryingt o get it dowen to simple assault, from aggravated assault & attempted murder, & was asking the witness (his client, i'm guessing) if the attack was an attempted murder, or just a venting of frustration -- he might've been clearer in what he was seeking. Of course, there's no way the DA was going to object! *LOL* If I had more free time, I think I'd spend time in courtrooms -- getting the drama & comedy live! If I had a way I could take notes & they'd be legible, I'd have plenty of material for a blog or column, I'm sure! > Q: How much education do you have?? > A: About 3 semesters at Lon Morris Junior College. > Q: Do you remember giving your deposition in my office several weeks ago? > A: Yes. > Q: Do you remember my asking about your education at that time? > A: I think so. > Q: You stated you had a master's degree in geophysics from the University > Of Texas, didn't you? > A: Yes, sir. > Q: When you gave that answer, were you mistaken, or was it a barefaced lie? > A: It was a barefaced lie. Well, isn't that nice, when he admits the truth under oath in open court! Lots will just double down on the lies. We had a juror jailed a couple years ago 'cause she was having intimate relations with & cash payoffs from the defendant in exchange for her voting not guilty, & pushing the other jurors to votre likewise. Whacko! > Q: Are you married?? > A: Divorced. > Q: What did your husband do before you divorced him?? > A: A lot of things I didn't know about. How does she know that? objection, your honour, the witness is suppositioning without verifiable witnessing of these alleged activities. This is prejudicing the jury against my client. Move to strike. Normal judges either sustain it, or overrule it, to seewhere she's going with it. Me: Shut the **** up; you called an idiot to the stand as one of YOUR witnesses, now suffer, you little she-dog! > Q: You were fired for allegedly using profanity on the job. What happened? > A: Well, my colleague was soldering some wires close to the ceiling. I was > holding the ladder. He was not paying attention to the solder that fell, > and I'd complained more than once. At a given point in time, he let fall > onto my shoulder a red hot piece of metal. > Q: At that moment, what did you say? > A: I said "Look, my dear colleague, at the hole you have made in my shirt". As judge I'd say, "bull ****ing s***! I'm going to cite you for perjury if you don't hurry up and fix that statement to be the truth & nothing but the truth, as you swore to do before taking that seat." Okay, now we all know wny I'm not a judge! > Q: The claimant says that he worked a minimum of 2 hours overtime per day. > Is that true? > A: Deep down inside, it is true. But, he'll never get any witnesses to > prove it. That is a pure WTF moment right there! I have to wonder how many head shlkes this caused! > Q: Before the accident, you lived with your brother-in-law and sister for > about 6 months? > A: Yes. > Q: You got to know them quite well? > A: Yes. > Q: You saw him interact with your sister? And I believe they had 1 child? > A: Well, I did not see the actual interaction, but they did have 1 child. Most damned cross-examination, anyhow! Guy asked his boss for the afternoon off as hs wife is conceiving at 2pm. The bnoss says, "I'm not sure what you mean, but I have a feeling you'd better be therefor that one! Sure, go ahead." > Q: There is presently a producing oil well on the property in question? > A: Yes, we have a brand new oil well on that lease. > Q: When did you drill this "brand new" oil well? > A: 1985. > Q: But, this is 1988. > A: Yes, it's been brand new for 3 years. Talk to any seller on craigslist or Facebook's Bidwars/etc. & you'll get that same story! > ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? > WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? > WITNESS: My name is Susan! Close enough! > ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? > WITNESS: No, I just lie there. I'm pretty sure I've dated her. . . *sigh* > ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? > WITNESS: July 18th. > ATTORNEY: What year? > WITNESS: Every year. Except it's not his date of birth --it's his birthday. > ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? > WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. > ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? > WITNESS: Forty-five years. Give or take on all numbers. Did the lawyer greet him with, "Hi, how are you?" or "How high are you?" > ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? > WITNESS: Yes. > ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? > WITNESS: I forget.. I have honestly given answers like this. > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? Oops, forgot idiot lawyers get last word, unless the judge demands it. > ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, > he doesn't know about it until the next morning? > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? Good doctor! I like that doctor! > ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? > WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. Attorney: Your honour, please direct the witness to restrict his answers to only the information asked for. Judge: I think that was VERY relevant information, counselor, & remember, he is under oath. Judge sex: She offered her honour. He honored her offer Then all night long It was on 'er & off 'er. > ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? > WITNESS: Are you [kidding] me? I need to know WTH the lawyer was thinkng in that question. The only possible explanatoin was it was a picture of someone else that the witness owned)the photo, not the someone else, necessarily) > ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? > WITNESS: Yes. > ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? > WITNESS: Having sex. > ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? > WITNESS: Yes. > ATTORNEY: How many were boys? > WITNESS: None. > ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? > WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. > Can I get a new attorney? No unbribed judge would deny this request! > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? > WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard > ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? Nowadatys, this is a thing of contentino -- just because HE has a beard & a penis sdoesn't mean he IDENTIFIES as a male/man! My answert is always going to be, "how the hell can I know -- I don't make it a habnit of checking crotches in public, or asking the question, 'what sex and gencer do you identify as?'" BecaUSE IT'S FOOLISHY -- YOU CAN I9DEBTIFY ASA ANY DARN GENDER YOU WANT, BUT YOUR SEX IS YOUR SEX -- DETERMINED BY AN xy CHROMOSOME IN every GENE, IN EVERY CELL OF YOUR ODY. Oops, sorry for caps. This tpically results in certauin primary &v secondary sexual characteristics, themselves subject to a one in ten million, or more, mutation in their programming. . . I suggest you try to get the person in question to strip naked in front of the jury & state their sex idebntity & preferred gender(s) for the Court. I see you had the brain in a jar, out practicing law one in your batch. . . (sorry, here's a few extra objokes to make up for it) Lawyer: Judge, you a complete moron are!! Judge: ThatÆs out of order. I was attending a noisy legal hearing, and the Judge started yelling, ôOrder! Order in the courtroom!ö So I said, ôA pastrami on rye, please.ö (actually I requested a reuben on punmpernickel, but I ended p getting a pastrami on rye) The guy in the wheel chair hates going to the courtroom He suffers in juries Q: What do you call a courtroom leader with issues? A: Judgemental Q: What kind of spice hangs around in a courtroom? A: A BAY LEAF!!! Q: What do you call a small courtroom? A: Trial size. A lawyer broke the courtroom dress code. It resulted in a law suit. --- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6 * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757) .