Subj : Metric Dozen To : All From : George Pope Date : Wed Mar 23 2022 17:23:34 Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM. Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . . Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;) -= 1 =- Let's go fishing. . . https://youtu.be/HR10bEV9uJQ -= 2 =- just started reading Agatha Christie's "And Then There Were None" (her favourite of her ouvre); based on the following poem epigraph, that foreshadows the entire novel, one by one. . . Ten little soldier boys went out to dine; One choked his little self and then there were Nine. Nine little soldier boys sat up very late; One overslept himself and then there were Eight. Eight little soldier boys travelling in Devon; One said heÆd stay there and then there were Seven. Seven little soldier boys chopping up sticks; One chopped himself in halves and then there were Six. Six little soldier boys playing with a hive; A bumble bee stung one and then there were Five. Five little soldier boys going in for law; One got into chancery and then there were Four. Four little soldier boys going out to sea; A red herring swallowed one and then there were Three. Three little soldier boys walking in the Zoo; A big bear hugged one and then there were Two. Two little soldier boys sitting in the sun; One got frizzled up and then there was One. One little soldier boy left all alone; He went and hanged himself And then there were None. ùFrank Green, 1869 -= 3 =- Happy little story tune of the South: https://youtu.be/EJrRwTTqm0o -= 4 =- These are great! YouÆll probably remember a bunch of them having seen them live..but itÆs a good refresher! Remember the ôHollywood Squaresö afternoon live TV show - back in the 50s- 60s. Much humor, no vulgarity, refreshing!!This was a LONG time ago, but somehow still funny. Even if you don't know who Jackie Gleason was. Hollywood Squares - Those were the days. Hard to believe they did not know the questions beforehand! Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted. Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years... A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to ask him if he's married. A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q. What are: 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the apartment next door. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh. A video refresher of the Paul Linde era: https://youtu.be/q1Km6E_0sLg -= 5 =- & now for yjr jokers' thoughts: "Taco Bell announced it will begin selling a potato-rito, which is beef, cheese, potatoes, and chipotle spice wrapped in a tortilla for $1. Or, for the same nutritional value, just eat the dollar." -Seth Meyers -= 6 =- Q: How did the Aussie shepherd proppose to his sheila(girlfriend/female sheep)? A: I love ewe. Let me ram my crook into your fold. -= 7 =- Advice from the UK: "Think in the morning. Act in the noon. Eat in the evening. Sleep in the night." --William Blake "Bathe twice a day to be really clean, once a day to be passably clean, once a week to avoid being a public menace." --Anthony Burgess "When someone close to you dies, move seats." --Peter Kay "Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all." --Arthur Balfour "Be wiser than other people, if you can, but do not tell them so." --Lord Chesterfield "Most idiots don't lose their privacy, they give it away." --Chrissie Hynde "No problem is insoluble, given a big enough plastic bag." --Tom Stoppard "My general approach is that you mustn't generalize." --Harriet Harman "Moderation is the last refugefor the unimaginative." --Oscar Wilde [sure sounds like him!] "For every expert, there is an equal and opposite expert." --Arthur C. Clarke "First things first, but not necessarily in that order." --Dr. Who "If you are first, you are first. If you are second, you are nothing." --Bill Shankly -= 8 =- The Cyberpope(me!) is NOT "old." He is a rare, vintage, one-of-a-kind and highly collectible piece of 1960s memorabilia! ## Certified 100% by Vatican North unLtd. -= 9 =- Comics (clean) riffing on Canada. . . https://youtu.be/vEdDzclfePI -= 10 =- Made a fool of myself at the pub quiz night. One of the questions was: æWhere do women have their hair short and curly?Æ Turns out that the correct answer is: Nigeria --- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6 * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757) .