Subj : Re: Metric Dozen To : Daryl Stout From : George Pope Date : Wed Dec 29 2021 08:04:12 > George, >> Trying this again. . . > If at first, you don't succeed...try, try again. > Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. -- W.C. Fields If at first you don't succeed. . . .. . . then skydiving may not be the right hobby for you. . . . then try doing it the way your wife told you to in the first place. . . . hide all evidence that you even tried. >> Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. >> Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 >> cancelation fee! ;) > $19?? What about depreciation?? Shouldn't it be 19 cents?? Actually, with inflation, it;s more like $119! >> Husband: Well, don't you remember? When we were leaving the hospital >> that night, you saw the baby had pooped his diaper. Then you said: >> Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. So I went inside, >> got a clean one and left the messy one there. > Sounds like the one that Yakov Smirnoff told. He noted this "baby > changing table" in the bathroom...so he said "you get to change the > baby for another one"...then he added "I'll bet you never look at it > that way". And of course, the whole room was roaring in laughter. There's a name fron 40 years ago! I remember him -- whatever happened to him? >> This issue's quotable quoters: >> "A man set a new world record after kicking himself in the head 134 >> times in one minute. He broke the previous record of zero." -Conan >> O'Brien > Sounds like Denny Crum, one time Louisville basketball coach, who said > something like "Our future lies ahead". What was your first clue?? :P You ever have those people who say, "Here's a picture of me from when I was younger?" EVERY picture of you is from when you were younger! -- American Philosopher G. Carlin(RIP) >> "A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is >> bad for you, after earlier research indicated that sitting for too long >> at work is bad for you. So really the only thing we know is, work is >> bad for you." -Jimmy Fallon > Work is also a nasty 4 letter word. The original 4-letter bad word, I always say, sometimes. >> [I've been saying this next one for years, but HE gets the credit?!] > And, he's getting paid more money than you are. Most are. >> "The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you >> can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't >> laugh at it, it's probably deserved." --Russell Lynes > Just like the celebrity roasts...you can find a lot of those on YouTube. I have a bnice set of the Comedy Central Roasts -- they're my fave. A new genre out now: Roast Battles. There's the US, UK, & Canadian TV series. That's how I first asw & fell in love with Sarah Tiana (southern girl -- nt all sugar & spice, but the most adorable little cheeks!) > I saw where the 3G phone networks will be shutting down soon...and that > eventually, they'll do the same to 4G, to try to get (force) folks to > upgrade to 5G. The thing is, not everyone has a ton of money lying > around to upgrade their phone on a whim. I'm a firm believer in "If it > ain't broke, don't fix it". Why folks have to always have the latest > and greatest item, is beyond me. It's simlpe: in the olden daze, the nobility(corporate CEOs in today's world) taxed the heck out of people's hard work, to ensure a constant flow of their production into their own treasuries. Those who refused, were executed as examples to the rest. Now they want you to buy whatever crap they've dreamed up for the same purpose, because now only the government can tax you (& it's slower getting your money that way, for the modern nobility) So they poison the foods & meds the poor people take (execution, because they didn't produce enough to buy the better stuff) ALL the antidepressants covered by HMOs & socialist governments cause the takers to visualize themselves committing suicide. (true story: "suicidal ideation" usually not understood by those who even bother reading the monographs) >> "Scientists believe the first modern Europeans mated with Neanderthals. >> This is the oldest evidence yet of beer goggles." -Conan O'Brien > They were probably drunk as coots as well. Beer goggles = satirical reference to being drunk (she looks better when youre drunk = the goggles are working) Or the guy who was at a bar drinking a long time. Every time the bartender would ask if he'd like another drink (triple bourbon, triple tequila as a chaser) the guy would lift a photo from his pocket, look at it & say, "Sure, I'm still good." Finally the bartendeer got achance to ask gimi what that was about. "It's a photo of my wife," he answered, "I came in here to get drunk. Soon as she starts looking good, I'm done." >> "Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you >> and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most >> awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you >> love." -Butch Hancock Might likewise work for Provo, Utah (home of DryBar comedy -- 100% clean standup; free on YouTube) > Never mind a hot time in the old town tonight. Not in Lubbock, apparently! >> "You know those little robot vacuums called Roombas? The company that >> makes them says that Roombas have the capability to map out your home >> while they clean it, and it's planning to sell that information to >> Amazon and Google. We all thought that the Roomba was just vacuuming; >> turns out it was casing the joint." -James Corden > Sure looks that way. Next, it'll send pictures as you enter and leave > the shower, naked as a jaybird. Not me -- no market for naked pics of this big ol' old guy! (oh, right, Rule 34, so maybe there is) >> "This was a little controversial: Pope Francis recently said that the >> majority of modern Catholic marriages are worthless because couples >> don't always mean it when they say they'll love each other forever. And >> that's the last time Pope Francis was ever asked to give a best man >> speech." -Jimmy Fallon > I would say so. However, at a nudist wedding, you can always tell who > the blind man is...because it's not hard. Is it easy to identify a blind guy at a nudist colony? . . .it's not hard. knock on door whjere the nuns were painting the room while nude, so as not to soil their habits. "Who is it?" one asked. "Blind guy." "She opened the door, figuring what harm. "Wow! Looking good, sisters. Where do you want these blinds?" >> "A new article states that millennials have terrible conversational >> skills. When asked for comment, millennials texted a series of crying >> frowny faces." -Conan O'Brien > That's the new language...although BBSing had first dibs on it with > emoticons. Yup -- I used to colect & share lists, including putting my own down. |<+]:-{)} (the Cyberpopicon) I started signing as +-:-) until somneonepointed out that Popers wear a mitre & she showed me an example for asacii art: <+]. I had to agree & immediately updated my signatures. . . I later added the kippa(aka yarmulke) when I became Jewish to denote my recognition that God is always over me. >> "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" says the old man. >> "Get serious," she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair!" > Never mind rock around the cock. :P She wasn't wasting her time. . . >> cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say >> mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his >> and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim. > Semantics and details. are what make English so much fun -- Other olanguages borrow woreds; English chasers other languages down blind alleys, beat the cvrap out of them & rifle through their pockets loking for any loose particles or gerunds! > In south Florida, if you don't know Spanish, you'll have a hard time > getting around. As I've heard -- pretty ignorant, if you ask me, for stores to be operated in Spanish, when the nation is English(still the mahorty, by an ever slimmer margin) Here in Richmond, in the last two censuses (censi?) more than 50% of the residents are Chinese. But when _I_ try to claim minority benefits, I'm, apparently, an arsehole! >> Think about it: the first athlete to take a knee was Tanya Harding! >> (~#~adapted from a Sid Davis joke) > I thought it was Nancy Kerrigan. Nancy Kerrigan got the damaged knee, no? Thus Tanya took her out, via the knee? >> Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, Caret quote back-tick dollar >> dollar dash, Bang splat equal at dollar under-score, Percent splat waka >> waka tilde number four, Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash, >> Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH! > The new language. Nah, these were already well established in the '90s, when I first stole that one from this echo! *LOL* & I'll steal it again. . . I don't care! I'm a rebel! > I saw a T-Shirt and card once for St. Patrick's Day. It said on the > front "To all my friends, Kiss Me, I'm Irish". Then, on the inside, > you see the guy's butt, with the words "To all my enemies, Kiss Me, > I'm Irish". :P I had 2 buttons: "Kiss me, I'm Irish" &, for those who would question my heritage: "Irish for a day" --- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5 * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757) .