Subj : Metric Dozen (2nd today) To : All From : George Pope Date : Wed Dec 08 2021 23:01:49 Been working through a backlog of my sources, so here's another edition on top of my earlier one: Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM. Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . . Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;) -= 1 =- Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs." Tim gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" "For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife." "Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!" "I wasn't," he replied. -= 2 =- quotables: "According to a recent survey, 12 percent of Americans say that it's fine to cheat a little on your taxes. While the other 88 percent know not to talk to a guy with a clipboard asking them if they cheat on their taxes." -Jimmy Fallon "Two passengers on a flight to Ibiza over the weekend reportedly had sex while in their seats. And nobody was more upset than the guy in the middle." -Seth Meyers "Scientists have been able to create baby mice from freeze-dried mouse sperm that was kept on the International Space Station. When asked about it, the astronauts said, 'Wait a minute, so that WASN'T ice cream?'" -Conan O'Brien "A rare fish normally found only in the Amazon was caught yesterday in a New Jersey pond. Researchers believe the fish got to New Jersey the same way as everyone else: by giving up." -Seth Meyers "A new study found that most people can't go 10 minutes without lying. But since the study took 20 minutes nobody knows what to believe." -Jimmy Fallon "Google is reportedly working on an update to the mobile version of its web browser to make it easier for people to use one handed. So I guess they're finally admitting what most people are using the Internet for." -Seth Meyers "A college student in Pennsylvania is suing her school for the C+ she got in a class. She said, 'I'm suing whoever's responsible for this!' And her professor said, 'Don't you mean WHOMEVER?'" -Jimmy Fallon "A new poll found that 10 percent of people post vacation photos on social media to make others jealous, and 100 percent of people click on them to see co-workers in a bathing suit." -Seth Meyers "Starbucks is going to start carrying coconut milk. If you want to stay competitive in the coffee business you've got to consistently provide your customers with new ways to make their orders more annoying." -Jimmy Kimmel "A woman in Muncie, Indiana was arrested after she stabbed her friend in the eye with a fork for taking the last rib at a barbecue. I am strongly against eye-stabbing. That being said, if you're going to stab someone in the eye, this is a reason I can get behind." -James Corden "At the Plaza Hotel, the lights went off right before a couple exchanged vows. Even worse, the bride had just said, 'God, if this is a mistake, please give me a sign.'" -Jimmy Fallon "At a Walmart in Minnesota, a customer had to tackle a confused deer after it wandered into the store. The deer is fine and was released back into the wild, which makes this the happiest possible ending to a story of a deer walking into one of America's largest suppliers of hunting rifles." -James Corden -= 3 = A wife asked her husband, "Honey, could you please run to the store and get a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen." A while later the husband returned with a case of quart milk cartons. Staring incredulously at the 12-pack case of milk, his wife asked, "Why the hell did you buy so much milk?" Her husband said, "They had eggs." [makes sense to me!] -= 4 =- I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it. "So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked. Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter." There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said. -= 5 =- After years being away from the Church a man begins to feel the spiritual pull again, so he decides to go to confession. He pulls aside the curtain on the confessional box, enters and sits himself down. Inside there is an over-stuffed leather armchair next to a little mini-bar equipped with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, imported beer on ice, cigars and a box of liqueur chocolates. He hears a priest enter the other side of the box. "Father, forgive me. It's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The priest replies, "Get out of there, you idiot. You're on my side!" -= 6 =- I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. "Was anything wrong with them?" the clerk asked. "Yes," I said. "They hurt my feelings." -= 7 =- When I was younger I worked in a Mom and Pop convenience store. A woman came into the store and walked straight up to me without even shopping and asked if I had baby nipples. I told her, "no ma'am, mine are fully grown." Luckily she got a kick out of it and I sold her the nipples for her baby bottles. -= 8 =- RUNNING LATE: Official Glossary "On the way." - Still in bed. "In the car." - In the shower. "GPS says 35 min." - Getting ready. "There's traffic." - Leaving the house. "Parking now." - 15 minutes out. "Can't find a spot." - 5 minutes out. "Walking in." - Looking for a spot. -= 9 =- I just had a physical. The doctor said don't eat anything fatty. I said, "Like bacon and cheeseburgers?" He said, "No, Fatty, don't eat anything!" -= 10 =- My wife and I had just finished a meal at one of our local restaurants when I realized I'd left my wallet at home. As the wife headed to the door to retrieve her purse from the car, she told the waitress what had happened, adding, "But don't worry, I'm leaving my husband for collateral." The waitress took one look at me and told her, "What else you got?" Your friend, <+]:{)} Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM --- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2) .