Subj : Metric Dozen To : All From : George Pope Date : Tue Nov 30 2021 13:57:54 Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies. Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . . Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;) -= 1 =- A young man has been experiencing pains in his abdomen so goes to visit his GP. After some tests the doctor says, I've got your results back and there's good news and bad news. Ok doc, give me the bad news first. The doc says I'm afraid you have an inoperable tumor in your bowel. It's terminal and you have around 3 years to live. Cripes, doc, and the good news? You also have Alzheimer's. -= 2 =- Speaking of Arizona, I never mesa butte I didn't like. -= 3 =- Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? Yup, he pasta way. We cannoli do so much His legacy will become a pizza history. He simply ran out of thyme. I know, I know... too cheesy! -= 4 =- Funny flight attendant https://youtu.be/1AE_hjOLDtU -= 5 =- 1963 Camp Granada Song--Allan Shermam https://youtu.be/4yFTOvO0utY -= 6 =- A 10-year-old girl asked her mother, "Mommy, how was I born?" The mother smiled and replied, "Once upon a time me and your daddy decided to plant a wonderfruyl little seed. Daddy put it in the Earth and I took care of it ever single day. After a while, the seed begabn t o grow more & more leaves and in a few months it turned into a beautifo healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high we forgot to wear a condom. -= 7 =- One rainy Halloween in an introvert's home: Friend1: What is that around your ankle? Friend2: A house arrest bracelet. F1: OMG! Why? What did you do? F2: Nothing. It's fake. F1: Why on earth would you wear a fake house arrest ankle bracelet? F2: Ask me if I want to go to a party tonight? F1: Umm, okayyy. Wanna go to a party tonight? F2: Can't. *points to ankle* -= 8 =- ~# via Facebook #~ [InspireU] Portering Troubles I love this reminder from Elizabeth Gilbert: “Some years ago, I was stuck on a crosstown bus in New York City during rush hour. Traffic was barely moving. The bus was filled with cold, tired people who were deeply irritated with one another, with the world itself. Two men barked at each other about a shove that might or might not have been intentional. A pregnant woman got on, and nobody offered her a seat. Rage was in the air; no mercy would be found here. But as the bus approached Seventh Avenue, the driver got on the intercom."Folks," he said, "I know you have had a rough day and you are frustrated. I can’t do anything about the weather or traffic, but here is what I can do. As each one of you gets off the bus, I will reach out my hand to you. As you walk by, drop your troubles into the palm of my hand, okay? Don’t take your problems home to your families tonight, just leave them with me. My route goes right by the Hudson River, and when I drive by there later, I will open the window and throw your troubles in the water." It was as if a spell had lifted. Everyone burst out laughing. Faces gleamed with surprised delight. People who had been pretending for the past hour not to notice each other’s existence were suddenly grinning at each other like, is this guy serious? Oh, he was serious. At the next stop, just as promised, the driver reached out his hand, palm up, and waited. One by one, all the exiting commuters placed their hand just above his and mimed the gesture of dropping something into his palm. Some people laughed as they did this, some teared up but everyone did it. The driver repeated the same lovely ritual at the next stop, too. And the next. All the way to the river. We live in a hard world, my friends. Sometimes it is extra difficult to be a human being. Sometimes you have a bad day. Sometimes you have a bad day that lasts for several years. You struggle and fail. You lose jobs, money, friends, faith, and love. You witness horrible events unfolding in the news, and you become fearful and withdrawn. There are times when everything seems cloaked in darkness. You long for the light but don’t know where to find it. But what if you are the light? What if you are the very agent of illumination that a dark situation begs for?. That’s what this bus driver taught me, that anyone can be the light, at any moment. This guy wasn’t some big power player. He wasn’t a spiritual leader. He wasn’t some media-savvy influencer. He was a bus driver, one of society’s most invisible workers. But he possessed real power, and he used it beautifully for our benefit. When life feels especially grim, or when I feel particularly powerless in the face of the world’s troubles, I think of this man and ask myself, What can I do, right now, to be the light? Of course, I can’t personally end all wars, or solve global warming, or transform vexing people into entirely different creatures. I definitely can’t control traffic. But I do have some influence on everyone I brush up against, even if we never speak or learn each other’s name. "No matter who you are, or where you are, or how mundane or tough your situation may seem, I believe you can illuminate your world. In fact, I believe this is the only way the world will ever be illuminated, one bright act of grace at a time, all the way to the river."~~ ~ Elizabeth Gilbert -= 9 =- Allan Sherman's "Dad Hates the Beatles" https://youtu.be/Jj-2Tcuzy0I Where were you in this Beatles vs parent equation, in 1964 & onwards? -= 10 =- If you haven't experienced the family safe humour & music of Tim Hawkins yet, do as I did, & hunt up ALL his amazing songs! Here's a nice sampling: https://youtu.be/yTrXAtIdrBY Your friend, <+]:{)} Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM --- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2) .