Subj : Metric Dozen To : All From : George Pope Date : Fri Oct 22 2021 12:08:15 Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies. Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . . Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;) -= 1 =- ~#~ from my Kiwi mate, the ICEMan: Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!" -= 2 =- Q: Humphrey Bogart once did a short movie on mathematics for Canada's national education ministry; what was its title? A: "Here's looking at Euclid." -= 3 =- A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mom and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!!" The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the boar, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard." -= 4 =- When porn stars take off their clothes, they're actually getting dressed for work. -= 5 =- The 5 most dangerous questions women ask men http://bootstrike.com/LaughterHell/Love/love30.php -= 6 =- Many of you will remember Archie Campbell from Hee-Haw, and he was a regular at the Grand Old Oprey, Decades before 'Blue Collar Comedy', guys like Campbell and Grandpa Jones were selling the country comedy shtick to southern audiences. I'm not big on the Jeff Foxworthy and Cable Guy thing, but Archie Campbell is okay in my book. I dig that old school comedy delivery of punch line after punch line. I get bored of the modern day comedians' constant desire to shock and offend, their need to insert religious/political opinions, and their incessant self deprecation. There's something to be said for just a nice set up and delivery. I can do without the comedians' personal baggage - just give me the jokes asshole. Quit trying to be Bill Hicks. Here's a selection of jokes from Campbell's 1968 book Bedtime Stories for Adults. No need to worry about it being for adults, though - even by 1960's standards, it's absolutely filth free. Enjoy. Teacher- Jake is the world round or flat? Jake- My daddy says its crooked. A traveling salesman stopped at a country store and saw a man playing checkers with, of all things, a dog. After watching a few minutes he said, "I think that's the smartest dog I ever saw". The man said, "Oh he ain't so smart, I beat him three out of five". Joe- I passed by your house last night and saw you kissing your wife. Bill- Ha ha, the joke's on you, 1 wasn't even home last night. -= 7 =- If you liked that last batch, here's my favourite type from Archie: https://youtu.be/lpfJwUyONnc -= 8 =- One Hippopotami Allan Sherman One hippopotami cannot get on a bus, Because one hippopotami is two hippopotamus And if you have two goose, that makes one geese A pair of mouse is mice A pair of moose is meese A paranoia is a bunch of mental blocks And when Ben Casey meets Kildaire, that's called a paradox When two minks fall in love, with all their heart and soul, You'll find the plural of two minks is one mink stole Singulars and plurals are so different, bless my soul Has it ever occurred to you that the plural of half is whole? A bunch of tooth is teeth a group of foot is feet And two canaries make a pair, they call it a parakeet A paramecium is not a pair A parallelogram is just a crazy square Nobody knows just what a paraphernalia is And what is half a pair of scissors, but a single sciz? With someone you adore, if you should find romance, You'll pant, and pant once more, and that's a pair of pants! Source: LyricFind Songwriters: Busch Lou / Allan Sherman / Lou Busch Song version, with picture slide show: https://youtu.be/umlBrQoG6xk -= 9 =- Q: What magic spell does Harry Potter cast when he's constipated? A: Expoolianus! -= 10 =- An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," he said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.. On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!" MORAL: Not All Seniors Are Senile! Your friend, <+]:{)} Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM --- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2) .