Copyright 2023 Daniel Kalak
Licensed under CC-BY-ND-4.0

 "I'm a foolish, fragile spine"
   ("Smother" by Daughter)

In 2023-06, I was hit by a stinging pain.
It ran from the left side of my lower back
down to my left foot. During the first few
days, I was barely able to walk.

I went to a doctor in 2023-06 and 2023-07.
He told me both times that at 23, I am too
young for it to be anything to worry
about. He told me to take painkillers and
to wait it out. I still don't know the
cause of the pain.

In 2023-09, it had become bearable. I had
also adapted the way I walk. But it was
still there, and I could trigger it by
putting my left leg forward.

In 2023-10, it came back, but further up.
My back hurt to the left of my spine at
the height of my lowest rib, and the back
of my left thigh felt sore. I remember how
one day during a lecture in 2023-04, I
panicked for a few seconds because of a
sudden pain in the same location. Maybe
there is a connection.

Fear
====

When the pain was still there 2 weeks
after its peak in 2023-06, it occurred to
me that it might never go away entirely.
The thought scared me. It is one thing to
read the Stoics when you feel like it, and
another to apply their teachings when you
have to.

The worst part about my pain is not the
pain itself, but the fear that it might
develop into an emergency which would

1. interfere with my daily business, just
   like turning into a bug interfered with
   Gregor Samsa's, and

2. reveal that I could have prevented it,
   had I acted sooner.

I remember how in 2021-10/2022-02, I had
an irrational fear that my heart might
suddenly stop. I didn't go to a doctor
about it because there was no basis to it
anyway, but my inaction further increased
my fear.

It is similar now. I know that I couldn't
walk properly in 2023-06, that it was
noticeable to others back then, and that
my perceived pain still affects my life
because I think about it daily. But the
doctor's dismissal in 2023-06 and 2023-07,
and the fact that I have already had
irrational fears, make me doubt whether
there is still any serious somatic basis
to my current pain. This doubt hinders me
from going to a doctor again, and my
inaction in turn increases my fear.

Hope
====

 "What is terrible is easy to endure"
   (from the Epicurean Tetrapharmakos)

 "'Pain is hard to bear,' he cried;
  'But with patience, day by day,
   Even this shall pass away.'"
    (from "Even This Shall Pass Away"
     by Theodore Tilton)

Part of my fear is about inappropriate
inaction. But if there was no possibility,
or no perceived obligation, to act, then
the fear would go away.

I feel that with societal progress, our
standards rise to meet perfection. We
already brush our teeth daily, shower
three times a week, vacuum our rooms, and
feel unclean if we don't. But compared to
pre-modern times, I am already luxuriously
well off because I have all my limbs, I
can move, and my skin is clean. This
perspective makes my pain and my fear
appear negligibly minor.

And then there are those figures who have
achieved great names despite their pain:

* Jacob, who broke his hip when he became
  Israel,

* Moses, who stuttered,

* Epictetus, who had his leg broken as a
  slave,

* Theodore Roosevelt, who delivered a
  scheduled speech right after being shot,

* John F. Kennedy, who suffered from
  severe back pain throughout his life,

* finally, Zeno of Citium, who lost all of
  his possessions, became a philosopher,
  founded Stoicism, and then died by
  holding his breath after breaking his
  toe because he *really* didn't feel like
  suffering *that*,

and many more.