# uncollected poems - vol 0 - early

i journal a lot

like a lot a lot

sometimes i write poems, sometimes i don't

sometimes things that are not poems become poems

sometimes things that are poems do not become

some of them are in haiku form, some aren't

please do not assume any meaning of my mental state

they are not dated for a good reason nor do i wish to date them (not that you can meet a poem in a cafe but if you wish to meet me in a cafe \[or other place\] i am very much available for a [conversation](./contact.html))

these ones are fairly old (4 years or more) as i try to go through my journals and find things which are poetic in their being

i apologise some of this are in polish as i also speak polish

i translated these as goes, but is this a good translation

i am not a translator

- - -

## 0

> still playing morrowind as a redguard pirate<br>
> thinking about thinking<br>
> returning to fundamentals

- - -

## 1

> and i do not know where to go<br>
> just everywhere i am<br>
> every little thing which can go wrong, goes fucking wrong because it __must__

- - -

## 2
> chcialem odpowiedzi<br>
> nie dostalem zadnych<br>
> trace wiare<br>
> kazdy dzien to jak kaseta ktora przechodzi tak samo<br>
> wszystko wyglada tak samo

//

> i wanted answers<br>
> didnt get any<br>
> losing faith<br>
> every day like videotape that turns into the same<br>
> all looks the same

- - -

## 3

> juz nie dziala<br>
> nic nie dziala<br>
> odwolane plany, usuniete pobyty<br>
> boze istnienie

//

> now it does not work<br>
> nothing works<br>
> cancelled plans, deleted visits<br>
> gods existence

- - -

## 4

> otoz mozna<br>
> utracic wiekszosc<br>
> utracic stabilnosc<br>
> utracic forme rzeczywistosc<br>
> zyskac wolnosc

//

> so one can<br>
> lose the majority<br>
> lose the stability<br>
> lose the form of reality<br>
> gain freedom

- - -

## 5

> zyje w tej codziennosci<br>
> spie duzo, czytam swoje i jakos to idzie<br>
> jutro znow dzienn<br>
> i dalej<br>
> i dalej<br>
> ja istnieje

//

> living in this day-to-day<br>
> sleep a lot, reading my own, and so it goes<br>
> tomorrows again a dayy<br>
> and so<br>
> and so<br>
> i exist

- - -

## 6

> kim byc<br>
> kim byc<br>
> kim byc<br>
> kim byc<br>
> kim byc<br>
> klm byc<br>
> kim byc<br>
> kim byc<br>
> kim byc<br>
> kim byc<br>
> kim byc<br>
> kim byc kim byc kim byc kim byc kim byc kim byc kim byc<br>
> czym byc<br>
> dlaczego ja nie jestem w stanie<br>
> zbudowac codziennosci w ktorej<br>
> ja bede siebie respektowal<br>
> wszystko czytam jako ucieczke<br>
> i boje sie naruszac tego czym jestem<br>
> po prostu co chwile cos<br>
> i kazda inna osoba<br>
> ktorej srodka nie znam<br>
> jesli powie<br>
> ze ma chociaz<br>
> okruszek<br>
> poczucia kim jest<br>
> to juz budzi we mnie bol<br>
> oczywiscie nie obwiniam ich<br>
> ale jest to slabosc<br>
> ktora posiadam<br>
> wszystko co moje jest gorsze<br>
> wszystko co moje jest zle<br>
> wszystko co moje jest nudne<br>
> wszystko co moje jest podstawowe<br>
> wszystko co moje jest wtorne<br>
> wszystko co moje jest upadle<br>
> wszystko co moje jest moje

//

> who to be<br>
> who to be<br>
> who to be<br>
> who to be<br>
> who to be<br>
> who to be<br>
> who to be<br>
> who to be<br>
> who to be<br>
> who to be<br>
> who to be<br>
> who to be who to be who to be who to be who to be who to be who to be<br>
> what to be<br>
> why am i not able to<br>
> build a daily life in which<br>
> i will respect myself<br>
> and i fear changing that which i am<br>
> simply every moment theres something<br>
> and every other person<br>
> whose internalities i do not know<br>
> even says<br>
> they have<br>
> at least<br>
> a breadcumb<br>
> of knowing who they are<br>
> that wakes a pain in me<br>
> of course i do not blame them<br>
> but that is a weakness<br>
> that i have<br>
> everything thats mine is worse<br>
> everything thats mine is bad<br>
> everything thats mine is boring<br>
> everything thats mine is basic<br>
> everything thats mine is repeatable<br>
> everything thats mine is fallen<br>
> everything thats mine is mine

- - -

## 7
> spalam sie<br>
> w swietle monitora<br>
> nie jestem w stnaie uciec

//

> burning myself<br>
> in a light of computer display<br>
> unable to run away

- - -

## 8

> nie jestem soba<br>
> nie jestem nie soba<br>
> i to wszedzie przychodzi<br>
> i to ja nie moge zudowac znaczenia,.<br>
> bo czymze jest zanczenie<br>
> niz zlepkiem skupienia w swiecie technologicznym<br>
> jakims pseudocelem ktory ma niby cos dac<br>
> nie znam glodu<br>
> nie znam bolu<br>
> nie znam strachu<br>
> znam symulacje sukcesu<br>
> mam dosc<br>
> ale nie chce umrzec<br>
> wie chyba jest nadzieja pewna<br>
> co jesli<br>
> tytany updane w  moim zyciu i bede mogl obserwowac swiat na nowo

//

> i am not myself<br>
> i am not no-myself<br>
> and everywhere it comes and goes<br>
> i cannot constrct meaning,.<br>
> cause whats even a-mening<br>
> that a some focus of the technical world<br>
> some pseudoaim thats supposed to give something<br>
> do not know hunger<br>
> do not know pain<br>
> do not know fear<br>
> know simulation of success<br>
> enough of that<br>
> do not want to die<br>
> so there might be a sure hope<br>
> what if<br>
> titans fall in my life and will be able to see it a-new

- - -

## 9

> uniwersum zrobi to co uwaza co potrzebna<br>
> wazne by umiec czlpac i ze no reszta rzeczy<br>
> czasem jest<br>
> czasem nie ma<br>
> tylko nie tracic duszy<br>
> jeszcze moje miejsce w uniwersum ostateczne sie nie znalzlo<br>
> ale moze ta egzystencja my byc przecietna<br>
> oto lekcja<br>
> miliardy zyc takie sa<br>
> moze kilka tysiecy mozna by powiedziec ze byly wartosciowe, moze kilkadziesiat<br>
> reszta to tylko ruchy pod woda


> ludzkosc to gora lodowa

//

> the universe will do what it considers of import<br>
> it matters to crawl and that the rest of things<br>
> sometimes it is<br>
> sometimes it is not<br>
> just not lose the soul<br>
> still my place in the cosmos ultimatily has not been found<br>
> but maybe that existence is meant to be average<br>
> thats the lessons<br>
> billions of lives are like this<br>
> maybe few thousand that one can call valuable, maybe several dozen<br>
> rest just underwater flows


> humanity is an iceberg
- - -

## A

> nie znosze wiekszosci<br>
> Fundamentalnie<br>
> co tylko pogarsza<br>
> moje zgubienie

//

> i cant stand the majority<br>
> Fundamentally<br>
> that only worsens<br>
> my state of being lost

- - -

## B

> the saddest part is that the joy of darkness is gone<br>
> and it seems it will never come back<br>
> talking to one shrink

- - -

## C

> why do i question<br>
> i question because i am not sure<br>
> i never was sure<br>
> i might someday be sure<br>
> the world only can be changed by brutal action in acceptance of what is<br>
> and not escaping into other orders of meaning as they do not represent
nothing

> fucking hell<br>
> going back into what is<br>
> the fuck is what is and what is not

- - -

## D

> obtoczonym cementem bunkier<br>
> moja wolnosc<br>
> Nowy jest w stanie przyjsc,<br>
> poza mroczna przszloscia<br>
> w hiperrzeczywistosci kazdy<br>
> jest zgubiony<br>
> bo gdzie znalezienie,<br>
> gdzie pojecia,<br>
> jak w niczym<br>
> nie ma stabilnosci.

//

> concrete-wrapped bunker<br>
> my freedom<br>
> The New is able to come,<br>
> outside the dark future<br>
> in hypereality everyone<br>
> is lost<br>
> as where's the founding,<br>
> where the definitions,<br>
> as in nothing<br>
> there is no stability.

- - -

## E