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       Stardate: 20230915.0201 
       Location: The Lab
       Input Device: Alienware Alpha R1
       Audio: Fan
       Visual: nano
       Emotional: here.  
       
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       Things have been pretty quiet on my end lately in gopherspace and 
       other online haunts.  I have not been feeling too motivated in 
       participating or showing up much.  I have been a bit stuck.
       
       Since I have been on leave since I tore my achilles, I have been 
       taking it slow.  Some times so slow that I feel stuck for days.  Back 
       in the cave, consumed by helplessness and hopelessness and just 
       passing time, not being productive, staring off into space, staying 
       up late, sleeping in late, watching bad tv...I did revisit some old 
       depressing favorites, like The Deer Hunter and Leaving Las Vegas.  
       I also spent some time in SDF Minecraft-land, which can be a good 
       distraction and trick me into feeling "productive," even though now's 
       not the time to be productive...but society says I need to be 
       productive...duty now for the future, HA!
       
       It has been said that at first, sitting in your shit can be warm 
       and comfortable.  And familiar.  After sitting there awhile, the shit 
       gets cold and starts to stink.  Eventually, it becomes really 
       uncomfortable and you have to do something about it.  I am not quite 
       out of it, but I do see some forward movement.
       
       There has been some activity on my end recently, mostly dealing with 
       and processing the consequences of recent months and my part in it, 
       as well as more being revealed about my "shadow self," not by 
       actively looking for anything or questioning, but just by being 
       present.   For some reason, the insights seem to come when I least 
       expect it.  I realized that part of the processing required of me was 
       to revisit the cave and stay and just be there, broken and in pieces. 
       Having a torn achilles helped me to not worry so much about being 
       there.
       
       Without getting into too much detail, there are parts of me that 
       have been uncovered and are hard to look at.  Even though it sucks, 
       as it usually does when shadow stuff becomes uncovered, I can't help 
       but not see it anymore.  For me to ignore or deflect or place blame 
       would be doing my self a dis-service.  I think that since I am aware 
       of them now, I am closer to becoming accepting of these parts of me.
       
       Sorry if this phost sounds confusing or cryptic, but I don't think I 
       am at the point yet of having words to really express much.  I 
       figured that I should at least try writing something.  That is all 
       for now.
       
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