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       Stardate: 20221115.1249
       Location: The Lab
       Input Device: Dell 7202 
       Audio: the hum of lab equipment
       Visual: a wall of monitors
       Emotional: Awake
       
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       I should be sleeping but I'm not since my body and my self-will
       wants to take contrary action.  I put some water in the kettle to
       make some herbal tea.  Hopefully I can sleep afterwards.
       
       Last night I was so hyperfocused on fixing up the lab that I did
       not crash until after 3:00 AM.  I don't need 8 screens to do my
       job!  I was supposed to work, but called in sick.  I slept until
       2:30 PM.  So irresponsible of me!  Now my schedule is messed up.
       
       Being a "responsible" adult is something I still struggle with.
       Even though chronologically, I have been an adult for quite some
       time, there are times where I fail at the responsible part.  There
       is a part of me that still craves irresponsibility.
       
       Last night and today were prime examples.  I cannot bounce back
       and just go to work like I did in my 20's after 4 hours of sleep,
       even if it is remote work.  I try and fail miserably, so this
       time, I just called in sick.  Mental health day.  Call it
       whatever.
       
       Where I am at these days, the consequences of irresponsibility
       are m0ar substantial than before, especially with having
       dependents.  It is not so easy to shirk responsiblity and throw
       caution to the wind like I want to sometimes.  Sometimes the easy
       way is to just be responsible.
       
       This evening, I talked it over with some friends.  The best thing
       for me to do is to forgive myself, learn from the lesson, let it
       go, and try again tomorrow.  There is no point in carrying around
       this baggage since it has come to pass.
       
       Time to try for some sleep.
       
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