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Stardate: 20220703.1507
Location: SBUX
Input Device: Gemini PDA
Audio: Mortiis - Crypt of the Wizard
Visual: Table @ SBUX, Trenta Iced Coffee
Emotional: Energized, +3 coffee booster
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Went up to SBUX to get out of the house even though nobody is home.
If I stayed there, I probably would not have given myself time to
write. So I set a timer for 60 minutes before I can leave.
Now that I've done that, I can't think of much to write about, so if
this becomes garbage, you have been warned.
Right now, I feel so out of touch with everything that has been
going on in the world, in the communities I frequent, with my
friends, with my family. This has been probably over the past month
or so. There is a built-in safety mechanism that gets tripped when
I become unwell and have exceeded my limitations to cope. I put
myself in the dark, shields up, red alert! I know it is a safe
place, but I do not like to go there. It has been years since I had
to go there and it feels wretched being there, but I know it is safe.
Being there, life happens, the world moves on, but processing is
suspended. I am totally checked out, in survival mode, and it is not
safe to process. Events are noted for post-incident analysis.
Recently, I have started to come out of the dark. Re-entry is a
b!tch and the wreckage is there to be dealt with. This instance was
shorter but different in its own way, probably because the me of now
is not the me of 5 years ago. This is a cyclical thing that happens
every 5 to 7 years and I have gone through it enough times to see the
dark, accept it, and even to welcome it. With each iteration, there
are things revealed, feelings to walk through, and opportunities to
level up. The ghosts are there but I know that they are false and
are handled appropriately. This round, there was nothing to do except
to acknowledge and experience them. Processing is pending.
What I don't like about going in the dark are the misunderstandings.
Explaining myself is futile. It's like trying to describe the color
green to a blind person. Also, life is still in session, work needs
to be attended, children need to be fed, adulting needs to happen,
service needs to be worked, etc. I do have my people to discuss the
color green.
I have surpassed my time allocation.
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