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       Stardate: 20210604.1021
       Location: SBUX
       Input Device: Gemini PDA
       Audio: Some poppy 80's song over the speakers
       Visual: vim in termux
       Emotional State: Energized
       
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       I Just finished walking and then practicing guitar in a park near 
       Chinatown.  I have been getting more comfortable with practicing my
       guitar in public.  During the past few years I have been making 
       attempts at playing instruments in public. Not in front of an 
       audience really, more just playing around people in public, like in 
       the park or in my car when parked in public...where I can be seen and 
       heard with all of my mistakes and everything.  I used to be super 
       scared of public speaking and public performance and I think these 
       practices in public have been very instrumental (ha!) in walking 
       through this fear.  One of the contributing factors (maybe even the 
       catalyst?) to this fear was piano recitals.
       
       During my childhood, I took piano lessons.  I enjoyed the piano, 
       pressing the keys and hearing the sounds.  The teachers tried to 
       teach me how to read music but it didn't take.  Even now I still
       have not learned (maybe that is another thing I need to work 
       through.)  If I knew how the song sounded, I would be able to 
       figure out what keys to press.  I would have my teacher play the
       songs for me before I tried to learn it.  Eventually, I would learn
       the song and play it from my memory of what it sounds like, not from
       notes or anything.  Until now, I learn music that way.  Yeah, it is
       cumbersome and inefficient, with lotsa trial and error, but that's
       what has worked for me so far.  Perhaps I should go back and try 
       the other way sometime.
       
       Anyhow, every year there would be a piano recital.  Each one 
       manifested much anxiety in the months prior to the recital.  Even
       though I knew the pieces that I would play, I knew where I would 
       screw it up.  So I would play the pieces with the error...as planned.
       Self-fulfilling prophecy, anyone?  I was not consciously 
       self-sabatoging, but I do see that now in hindsight.  It probably 
       has to do with my defiance as well, but that is a topic for another
       rumination.  I only had to endure 2 piano recitals until I gave up
       lessons and learned on my own.
       
       So fast-forward to recent times, I have been practicing guitar in 
       public to help me walk through this fear.  I think I've been doing 
       this now for 3 or 4 years and have become just ok with playing in 
       public.  There are times when it still freaks me out, but those 
       incidents are becoming less frequent.  
       
       As a side effect, my confidence in public speaking has improved 
       considerably as well.  I don't shake and my voice does not tremble 
       as much, if at all.
       
       Perhaps some day, I will get to the point of busking or even 
       deliberately playing in public, but at this point in time, I have
       no desire to do so.  I guess I just want to see where overcoming 
       this fear will take me.
       
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