From kolb@ucla.edu Sun Apr 30 02:06:21 2000 Received: from mxu4.u.washington.edu (mxu4.u.washington.edu [140.142.33.8]) by lists.u.washington.edu (8.9.3+UW99.09/8.9.3+UW99.09) with ESMTP id CAA23762 for ; Sun, 30 Apr 2000 02:06:21 -0700 Received: from caracal.noc.ucla.edu (caracal.noc.ucla.edu [169.232.10.11]) by mxu4.u.washington.edu (8.9.3+UW00.02/8.9.3+UW99.09) with ESMTP id CAA08600 for ; Sun, 30 Apr 2000 02:06:20 -0700 Received: from kolb ([128.97.208.211]) by caracal.noc.ucla.edu (8.9.1a/8.9.1) with SMTP id CAA25328; Sun, 30 Apr 2000 02:06:15 -0700 (PDT) Message-Id: <4.1.20000430020535.03ca43f0@pop.ben2.ucla.edu> X-Sender: kolb@pop.ben2.ucla.edu X-Mailer: QUALCOMM Windows Eudora Pro Version 4.1 Date: Sun, 30 Apr 2000 02:07:14 -0700 To: classics@u.washington.edu From: Jack Kolb Subject: If Homer was a writer of TV soaps... Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" [thanks to Paul Benoit JK] ================================================= The Odyssey, a Television Treatment by Homer. Plot Outlines, 16 key episodes, spanning 2 seasons. Intermediate Episodes to be written by union script writers. Key Episode 1: The great god Zeus (John Goodman?) calls a council of the gods and demands that Calypso send Odysseus go home. Telemachus is ordered to call an assembly meeting then travel to Sparta. Film on location in New Zealand. Odysseus hangs out with Xena. Cameo by Kevin Sorbo? Key Episode 2: Telemachus tells the suitors that they will have to pay rent and restitutional expenses and pain and suffering. Hires Gavin McCleod to captain his boat, the "Pepsi Princess" to look for Odysseus. Key Episode 3: Telemachus travels through time and brings Buffy and Angel back to the past where they battle the evil vampires at Pylos. Evil vampire Nestor killed in one-on-one with Angel. Pisistratus is cured of his vampirism by his love for Buffy and comes with Telemachus. Key Episode 4: Suitors contact Tony Soprano to kill Telemachus. King Menelaus (David Hasselhoff?) tells Telemachus that Odysseus is held prisoner on the island of Calypso. Key Episode 5: Paul Schaeffer reprises his "Hercules" role as Hermes and plays a groovy beach tune while Odysseus and some beach babes party. Calypso gives Odysseus a supply of GatorAde to take on the voyage with him. Odysseus recalls his battle and how he came to meet Calypso. Key Episode 6: Battle scene. Odysseus sails and meets Nausicaa. Nausicaa and Odysseus party down. Evan Dando appears as Demodocus and sings the new Lemonheads song. Key Episode 7: Odysseus meets Lotus Eaters. Guest appearance by the Back Street Boys. Odysseus meets the Cyclops and helps him out by giving him a uni-lense spectacle made by Lenscrafters. Cyclops lets Odysseus and his crew go for being so cool. Key Episode 8: Odysseus meets Aeolus, who gives Odysseus a ride in his new Windjammer. Odysseus runs into the Laestrygonians, promo spot for KC Masterpiece BBQ sauce. Circe (Heather LockLear) turns the crew into pigs. The crew are saved when Hermes gives Odysseus a pack of Trojan's Extra Sensitive condoms and he impresses Circe with his love-making abilities and his wisdom in being safe about sexually transmitted diseases. Key Episode 9: Odysseus meets the Sirens (guest stars Destiny's Child). Odysseus and crew party with the Sirens. The crew decide to stay with the Sirens. Odysseus drinks a Red Bull and tries to swim back to Troy. Key Episode 10: The Phaeacians give Odysseus a ship and clothes from the Gap. Odysseus arrives at Ithaca and is disguised by Athena (Florence Henderson) as beggar. Odysseus reveals his identity to Telemachus, but not Penelope or Laertes. Telemachus and Odysseus return to Odysseus' house. Key Episode 11: Telemachus returns to his mother and the soothsayer Theoclymenus tells her that Odysseus is disguised on the island. Odysseus sees Argus the hound, whom he gives Beggin' Strips. Key Episode 12: Irus (Lennox Lewis), a beggar, arrives at Odysseus' house and bullies him. Antinous and the suitors arrange a boxing match between the two. Odysseus refuses to fight so that they can settle their argument peaceably. Key Episode 13: Penelope announces that she will choose a suitor who can string Odysseus' bow and shoot an arrow through twelve axe handles. James Hettfield and Ted Nugent guest star. Key Episode 14: Odysseus wins the contest. The suitors are forced to guest star on the Tom Green show where they are pelted with sheep feces. Key Episode 15: Penelope and Odysseus are reunited. Penelope asks where the hell he's been all these years and who this Circe bitch is. Key Episode 16: Odysseus and Penelope move into a house in Brooklyn across the street from their in-laws where they have many hilarious sit-com adventures. :From The Oracle (sent by Maury the Snitch) .