From lockyert@mweb.co.za Sun Sep 30 19:01:49 2001 Received: from mailscan1.cac.washington.edu (mailscan1.cac.washington.edu [140.142.32.16]) by lists.u.washington.edu (8.11.6+UW01.08/8.11.6+UW01.08) with SMTP id f9121lN124282 for ; Sun, 30 Sep 2001 19:01:48 -0700 Received: FROM mxu4.u.washington.edu BY mailscan1.cac.washington.edu ; Sun Sep 30 19:01:47 2001 -0700 Received: from mono.mweb.co.za (mono.mweb.co.za [196.2.53.170]) by mxu4.u.washington.edu (8.11.6+UW01.08/8.11.6+UW01.08) with ESMTP id f9121iQ06869 for ; Sun, 30 Sep 2001 19:01:45 -0700 Received: from [196.30.234.134] (helo=al40) by mono.mweb.co.za with smtp (Exim 3.22 #2) id 15nsJB-0000WG-00 for classics@u.washington.edu; Mon, 01 Oct 2001 03:55:49 +0200 Message-ID: <003a01c14a1c$b40d6140$86ea1ec4@al40> From: "Terrence Lockyer" To: "Classics List" Subject: The very model Date: Mon, 1 Oct 2001 03:58:26 +0200 MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Priority: 3 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Mailer: Microsoft Outlook Express 5.50.4133.2400 X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V5.50.4133.2400 It seems that some light relief may be in order. A while back someone posted the URL for a collection of imitations - extremely pale specimens for the most part - of W. S. Gilbert's "modern Major-General" lyrics from *The Pirates of Penzance*. As I recall, the following, which is one of the better ones I've seen and which I recently rediscovered on my hard drive, was not included there. -- I am the very model of a Newsgroup personality. I intersperse obscenity with tedious banality. Addresses I have plenty of, both genuine and ghosted too, On all the countless newsgroups that my drivel is cross-posted to. Your bandwidth I will fritter with my whining and my snivelling, And you're the one who pays the bill, downloading all my drivelling. My enemies are numerous, and no-one would be blaming you For cracking my head open after I've been rudely flaming you. I hate to lose an argument (by now I should be used to it). I wouldn't know a valid point if I was introduced to it. My learning is extensive but consists of mindless trivia, Designed to fan my ego, which is larger than Bolivia. The comments that I vomit forth, disguised as jest and drollery, Are really just an exercise in unremitting trollery. I say I'm frank and forthright, but that's merely lies and vanity, The gibberings of one who's at the limits of his sanity. If only I could get a life, as many people tell me to; If only Mom could find a circus freak-show she could sell me to; If I go off to Zanzibar to paint the local scenery; If I lose all my fingers in a mishap with machinery, If I survive to twenty, which is somewhat problematical; If what I post was more mature, or slightly more grammatical; If I could learn to spell a bit, and maybe even punctuate; Would I still be the loathsome and objectionable punk you hate? But while I have this tiresome urge to prance around and show my face, It simply isn't safe for normal people here in cyberspace. To stick me in Old Sparky and turn on the electricity Would be a fitting punishment for my egocentricity. I always have the last word; so, with uttermost finality, That's all from me, the model of a Newsgroup personality. -- Terrence Lockyer Johannesburg, South Africa PS. Apologies if you are seeing this for the umpteenth time. If you're wondering about the classical content of this post, I suggest getting your hands on a copy of Gilbert's original. .