CHAPTER 2: Conversation "If this country were meant to be filled with people who cannot carry on the simple task of communicating, then it turned out how it was planned." - Tom, sober. Ah. Simple conversation. The backbone of making new friends. Then why is it people are so horrendous at this seemingly simple feat of wit? Why can we not just talk easily with all around us? It's a simple answer, really. You are too worried about their opinions of you, you stupid moron. Think about this: While you are overstressing about a person's insignificant opinion of you, they are almost certainly thinking the same thing about you. Now for techniques. Since I am tired of the standard rules of essay-writing, I shall mix it up with some first person experiences and the like. I like to make friends, and when I want to, I could talk for hours and hours to just about anyone. My secret? I am as random as possible. Just say whatever flies into your head. Chances are the person will find you funny and be attracted to you and lick you thighs. Just talk about anything funny that happened, or something random in the day. It's that simple. Which would you rather, someone thinking you are random, but interesting, or sane and boring? Yep, I know. If you just totally suck at thinking something up on the spot, I've devised a simple strategy for you. Write down things that make you laugh so you remember them. Then next time you are coming toward the AWKWARD SILENCE OF DOOM, just remember something on your card of funniness. Or make a joke about the awkward silence. That works too. "We're entering the awkward silence now. Let's be quiet for another minute so it is official." Ha. Funny, eh? So I suppose the real reason I decided to abdictate my french project duties and write this piece of garbage is so that when I am tired of talking or I am doing something on the internet, like wasting my damn time teaching people how to communicate, people won't always leave me the responsibility of carrying a conversation. So go out there and talk or something. Wait, I just thought of a good idea. If you are talking to me and are an attractive woman, just take off your shirt and lick your nipples. Then we don't even need to talk. We could play doctor. That would be cool. Oh yeah, I nearly forgot. If someone is being talkative to you, laugh at everything they say that may be interpretted as funny. And flaunt yourself. Annnnnd.... Be uberfriendly and such. So they will like you. But don't be ditsy. Unless you can pull of a classy ditsiness. Or maybe you could be like.... uh.... Hell, do whatever you want. If all else fails, you are going to be lonely my son. Don't bother with prophylactives. When you someday find the person with whom you can in fact enjoy SILENCE? (WTF!?!?!?!!?) Dress them up like the Morton Salt Girl, remove a small segment of their skin, pour salt in, and laugh; they were bewitching you with love potions. Now for the all important conclusion? No, asshole, the all important more shit that I have to say. And goddamn you for wishing the end. If you want quick reads, read Dr. Seuss's, "The Grinch's Hoo Holocaust." It's not that well known a work, but I'll be damned if I didn't laugh aloud when The Grinch grew a Hitler moustache and marched the Hoo's into the "baths." Dr. Seuss, what a sadist... So yeah, don't wish for the end, or I'll give it to you. "Wow, good threat Tom." "Thanks, d'you think they are scared now?" "I think they've WET themselves." "Yeah, fear can cause unwanted release of the sphincter muscle at the junction betwixt bladder and pee-tube." "Wait a second. Did you just say 'betwixt?'" "Yes, what of it?" "What is 'betwixt?' Sounds like a candy bar." "Betwixt is a preposition, it is instead of between. It was in Robinson Crusoe, the unabridged version." "Oh. I see, how stupid. Well, I meant that they'd pee with laughter, lemon-head." "That's it, the pool party is cancelled!" "No, you wouldn't. Would you? I mean, I was really looking forward to it." "Well, you crossed the line you son of a bitch." "But... But you preordered the pizzas." "And I am willing to eat them all myself to teach you a lesson." "Ok, I'm sorry about making fun of you. But it really wasn't that good a threat." "And I'm sorry for leaving the toilet seat up all the time." "Oh Tom, I love you so much." "Awww, I love you too." - Another relationship healed with the power of Dr. D's Extra Strength Fungicide. Sorry, I secanted there for a second. Oh, in case you didn't know, since I HATE when people say, "not to get off on a tangent," I've decided to use the term secant instead. A secant is a line that touches a circle in exactly 2 places. Well, it doesn't really make that much sense, but tangent is way too cliche. And I'll be damned if I am cliche. I am uncliche, I mean, I shop at Hot Topic. It's a subculture store. I can finally define myself as an individual through the clothing I buy mass produced for the unique like me. Why are we, such "social beings," so damn shitty with communication? Since formulated exposition bores the SHIT out of me, I'll go take some verbal ex-lax, and discuss what I am going to talk about. Man, I make a lot of sense. If I were money, I would make 3482 cents. I think it would be funny if there was a word that sounded exactly like homonym, but meant something different. Different like foreigners. Foreigners that are alingual. I like to correct people when they should be saying "whom" but that say who instead. For example, I was shooting my rifle down at this crowd of people, and my friend asked me, "At who are you shooting?" Now, I was proud that he did not end his sentence with a preposition, but I was pissed at his incorrect use of the subject pronoun "who." So I corrected him by saying, "At whom are you shooting?" And he said, "Jews," took my rifle, and ended up at Waterbury State Penitentiary. So indeed, either people are not, in fact, "social beings," or perhaps the reason lies more deeply within our behavioral evolution. My first point in question requires little discussion. It's straightforward. It is allowed to marry even in Ohio. It won't hit the car parked behind it when it goes to pick up the suit that his brother spilled salsa on at his daughter's first communion from the dry-cleaners. If you don't get it, take a number. Now, perhaps people are not as social as we've been led to think? Perhaps, socially, humans are not quite as adept as recently thunk. It could be that humans, socially, aren't meant to do quite as well as portrayed. Now, I want to repeat myself, this is important: It could be that humans, socially, aren't meant to do quite as well as portrayed. It is assumed that because of our highly developed vocal system, we are meant to be social, but that could be false. Who knows? Not me, so I'm not going to discuss it further. Behavior Evolution: What the hell? Don't you like the sub-header? I do. It's awesome. Anyway, complex organisms are different than simpler organisms. Whereas simpler organisms evolve chemically (genetically), complex organisms (ie. humans/mammals) evolve behaviorally. To the cause of developed brains, it is unnecessary to evolve through natural selection, as well as the other fancy ways things evolve genetically. Instead, we evolve through behavior. The animals that live are the ones with behavior that allows them to adapt. Humans invented tools and organized socially to ensure survival. The humans with these habits pass them onto their offspring because the offspring are very succeptable to impression when young. And to prove this, I am going to teach my children to HATE jello. Absolutely abhor it. Never go near it and cause near vomiting when in its presence. One may argue that this is a much more effective way to ensure survival, but I disagree. As can be seen in the last half-century, behavioral patterns can change in only a few generations, or one. So if we suddenly develop a behavioral pattern that leads us to murder much more easily, in just a few generations, the entire species could be wiped out. To prove THIS, I will teach my children to MURDER any who offer them jello. So, with the internet, the speed at which information is transfered has grown exponentially. Am I sick to perform this experiment? Probably, but I guess my behavioral patterns have evolved into the Kinchewalla. So take note, I predict the internet, as well as religion, and nuclear weapons, and a bigge-sized asteroid, will be the end of humanity, and perhaps THE WORLD. But probably just humanity. And Africans too. NOTE: the Kinchewalla (kin`chay`wƒl`lƒ) is a fictional animal that lacked the ability to breathe therefore the ability to break down glucose leading to its immediate extinction. But no animals were harmed during the making of this book. Except for cows. We ate burgers. Yummmm. And also, ducks. We did some recreational, inspirational target practice with our automatic weapons. You know what? I lied, we killed a lot of animals.