Title: Israel-or, more commonly known as Jacob
Subject: 
Publisher: 
Description:  Story of a man, his twin, and life.
Contributors: 
Effective_date: None
Expiration_date: 9998-12-31 00:00:00
Type: Document
Format: text/plain
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SafetyBelt: 1066319046.76

 
I think I should start with a little family history, since the story in my religion is a bit different from others, so all you people will know who I'm talking about.

 We all know Abraham, right? Well, he and Sarah got really old, and they had Isaac, who married Rebekah, who had Jacob and Esau. Am I clear now? Good, then let us proceed.

 The story, I think, starts at the Pottage Place. Are you with me? 
You see, the birthright,(blessing that gives the firstborn most of the stuff thier father owns, and they get to be the head honcho of the house, and everyone in it.)was given to Esau, who was the one who had been born first.

 Esau had a bad additude generally, and Jacob want to see what Esau thought of the blessing. You can probably guess that Esau didn't really care about his little birthright. So, he got a pot full of stew, and Jacob got everything else. 
Some people think that Jacob doing this was wrong. This theory that he was wrong, is wrong. Just think, if Jacob hadn't got the birthright, then it would've been Esau who had founded Israel, and Joseph wouldn't have saved Egypt, and this is confusing.

 Anyway, Esau saw what he had done, and he got MAD. And when Isaac gave Jacob the blessing instead of Esau, Esau packed and left. I can imagine how ashamed he had been that he was that stupid.

 You might ask, why didn't Isaac see the problem? Why was Jacob there istead of Esau? The answer is four words: Glasses weren't invented yet.
'Cause naturally, when you get older, your eyesight get steadily worse. So Isaac couldn't really see Jacob, so he thought that it was Esau. Jacobs mom even went so far to dress Jacob in Esaus clothes.
Isaac then told him not to stay in that land, and to go serch for a wife elswhere, because he had to marry inside their beliefs, and the only place he could do this, was go find his uncle, who was Rebekahs brother, and marry his oldest cousin.
 Soon after, Isaac died, and Jacob left to (pardon the phrase) seek his fourtune.(althoguh I don't think that's what he was doing.)
Now we're gettin' to the good stuff. Ever seen the toy Jacobs Ladder? Well this is about that. The name, I mean, not the toy.
Jacob had been walking all day, and you can imagine that after a full day of walking, you'd be tired. Jacob certainly was, so he laid down to sleep, and here comes my favorite part, he had a revilation, a vision, a piture in his head!
How often do you get one of those, I ask?

 Jacob saw a big ladder, where all these angels were going up and down it, and on the very top, stood God himself, at the gates of heaven.

 Wow! Talk about being blown away! I bet Jacob jumped right up after his vision, and said, "Whoa!"
I know I would.
Jacob continued to walk, until he came upoun some land owned by his uncle, Laban. He decided to stay with him, to continue his serch for a wife, then he saw HER.
Rachel. the light of his life, standing before him. 
He went up, and kissed her.
I know, I know, your thinking: Way gross! He just went up and kissed her! How rude!
Yes, Rachel might have been shocked...
Okay, so to us, "might" may be an understatment.
But your thinking about a big makout session. Nuh uh. He went up and kissed her HAND, which was a sign of respect.
He went in, and asked to marry Rachel, and offered to work for him for seven years. Laban agreed.

 But Laban was a jerk. On the wedding night, he switched brides. No kidding. The little squit put Leia under all these viels, and Jacob married her, thinking it was Rachel. Then, as was(and still is) the custom, he went to thier tent and...well, you know. I mean, even then he couldn't see her, cause it was all dark. So when he woke up-you can imagine how torked Jacob got at Laban.
And do you know what the squit said? He said, "Oh, well, I couldn't have married Rachel off first, because that would be Raif"(the opposite of fair, I'm not supposed to say THE words, so bear with me.)
So they sat down, and made a new deal. Jacob would work for seven more years, to marry Rachel.
At this piont, I feel that I must steal a line from a particular choice of media to give you some good advice. "Never trust an employer." (Fiddler on the Roof)

 Now here's the fun part. Rachel had been kind of wierd about the whole fact that Jacob had married Leah first, and she knew that Jacob loved her.
Leah didn't make things better, because she started to punch out kids, and Rachel couldn't. So when she got married, she tried having kids, but couldn't. But as you see sibling rivalry can go to extreme. Which is to say that Rachel asked Jacob to marry her handmaiden, to have kids FOR her. Jacob, of course did it, since he loved her to death. So then the handmaiden punched out two kids, and the score was 4 to 2, in Leah's favor. But then Jacob started spending more time with Rachel. And Leah said to herself, "Maybe if I have more children, he'll like me better." So, not wanting to have more kids herself, SHE asked Jacob to marry HER handmaiden.

  Jacob, all this time, was being conned by Laban. You see, when a woman married someone, the husband gave her a dowry, which entitled her to the things of the husband if he died, or somthing.
Jacob had nothing when he came to Laban, and now he was earning all this stuff, and Laban took all of it. So these guys were broke, while Laban was living in near-squalor. So one day, Jacob had an idea. It was high time he needed a blessing, so he insturcted his wives and children to pray. Then, soon after, he knew what to do. He went to Laban, and said, "How about a deal?"
Laban thought he could conn Jacob again, he did it all before.
Wrong answer buddy.

 "It goes like this," Jacob said. "After a few years, I'll take the bad stock of cattle, and you can take the good stock."
Back then, spotted cows were considered bad, and brown cows were preferred.
So do you know what God did? He said, "Well, Jacob deserves a little blessing..."
So all the calves that were born, were spotty.
Laban wasn't too cool about this. 
So Jacob told Leah and Rachel that they had to get out FAST. So the two sat down and I'm geussing the conversation went somthing like this.
Leah: Why would we leave?
Thinking....
Rachel: Dad's taking our dowry, so....
Leah, catching on: Yeah!

 So they went to Jacob and said, "Lets do it."
So they left. They took everything. So when Laban came out of his tent the next morning, and saw this, he got MAD.
So he got his servants together, and when they caught up with Jacob, they put a big rock pillar up, and chose sides, and they left each other. On the way home, to Caanan, God gave him a new name, Israel. And he raised his children out there in the wilderness, and Joseph really takes the story from there, so there you have. Good, no?