Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch!
Sorry, I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film!
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the Earth.
A day without sun shine is like....night.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
On the other hand....you have different fingers.
I let my mind wander and it didn't come back.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
What has four legs and one arm? A happy pit bull.
Once the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend
If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him that a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
No one is paying attention to you until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, failure in full view.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is reasearch.
Two wrongs are only the beggining.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no life guard.
Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasles don't get sucked into jet engines..
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Why do psychics have to ask for your name?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Black Holes are where god divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?
Why is abbreviated such a long word?
If it's 0 degrees outside today, and it's supposed to be twice as cold out tommorow, how cold will it be?
Why are they called buildings if they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the others trees make fun of it?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word 'monosylabic'?
If vegetarians eat vegatables, what do humanitarians eat?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Accountant: Person who solves problems you didn't know you had in a way that you don't understand.
There are three kinds of people in the world; Those who can count, and those who can't.
The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals.
You know you're having a bad day when you jump out of bed and you miss the floor.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
When approaching a four-way stop sign, the truck with the biggest wheels has the right of way.
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
Help stamp out, eliminate, and abolish redundancy.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it thoroughly.
I went out to clear my head today and forgot to fill it back up.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. I have a work station on my desk...
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
Insanity is hereditary; You get it from your kids.
I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.
A meeting is an event where the minutes are kept, and the hours are lost.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
In just two days, tommorow will be yesterday.
I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours...
If it weren't for me, there'd just be a pile of my clothes on the floor.
A bird in hand makes brushing your teeth difficult.
A penny saved is a penny congress overlooked.
A .45 beats a royal flush every time.
A Canadian is an unarmed American with health care.
A fact is anything you can make someone else believe.
A jury is 12 people who decide who has the best lawyer.
A life? Cool! Where can I download one of those?!
A lot of people mistake their imagination for their memory.
Barney(n): The result of feeding a smurf after midnight.
BIBLE: Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
Wind is like air, only pushier.
Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it lets you look for it in more places.
Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
A person who can smile when something goes wrong is a person who has found someone to blame it on.
If you don't know where you're going, you're never lost.
Experience is a wonderfull thing, it enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
What colour does a smurf turn when it chokes?
Be different, act normal.
Roses are red, violets are blue, some poems rhyme, but not this one.
"I know" is just "I believe" wish delusions of grandeur.
Three out of five people aren't the other two.
If a man is standing in the middle of a forest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
I use to have an open mind, but my brain kept falling out.
Isn't it a bit un-nerving that doctors call what they do practice?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?