Subj : Re: I'm still waiting for somebody to offer constructive criticism
To   : comp.programming,comp.lang.java.programmer,comp.lang.lisp
From : Phlip
Date : Tue Aug 16 2005 07:09 am

Robert Maas, see http://tinyurl.com/uh3t wrote:

> It's been more than 24 hours since I asked for suggestions about the
> wording in this explanation why I'm discontinuing my work on WAP and
> dismantling most of what I previously did.

The first few sentences should "hook" the readers, and make them "care" 
about the story.

In your case, you start with negative complaints about yourself, like this 
post. "In the first place" and "briefly" are complaintful, and "stopped work 
soon after beginning" & "cruddy" are negative and self-abasing.

Then, readers have trouble getting started without at least expository 
verbiage about what WAP is. (Yes, I _know_ what WAP is. The expository 
verbiage is still necessary, to entrain the readers and help you lead them.) 
For example, "WAP is a growing and frequently meaningful miniaturization of 
HTML, targeting cell phones, and enabling a whole new realm of pop-up ads". 
Start with a joke that burns the industry, not yourself.

Next, I used to think that Free Software emulators for WAP were available. 
Maybe they are not, so you seem to complain that without a cell phone with 
good "service" (signal? tech support?) you can't continue to experiment with 
WAP.

And the reason you didn't whip out your computer science credentials and 
_write_ a WAP emulator are..?

I can't read farther, but at least I read enough to offer [more!] 
constructive criticism.

>  http://www.rawbw.com/~rem/WAP/WhyInactive.html
> Please, everybody, hurry up and tell me any improvements in wording
> that you can suggest.

Nope. No improvements to suggest in the wording. Each of your words 
successfully conveys how you feel about yourself and your situation.

-- 
  Phlip
  http://www.greencheese.org/ZeekLand  <-- NOT a blog!!!

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