Subj : What Sort Are You? [2/3]
To   : All
From : Rachel L. Akers
Date : Sat Jun 09 2001 11:07 pm

                 Which one are you then? [2/3]

10.  Het-Case

Insists  that  they  aren't  homophobic;  they  just believe that
Paganism is  about a goddess  and a god  and they do  it and what
could be more obvious than that?  It just doesn't "work right" if
you  try any  other way!   Are secretly  afraid that  gays and/or
lesbians are dying to jump their tender hetero bones.

Distinguishing Signs  : Living spaces  abound with depictions  of
  satyrs  with  enormous  genitals  and  huge-breasted,  doe-eyed
  goddesses. Also long manicured nails and wreaths of flowers (on
  females only -- men have big, bushy beards instead).

11.  High Episcopagan

Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager,
an orchestra with chorus and do these rituals last at least three
hours? It's a High Episcopagan! They can memorize pages and pages
of  Olde English,  have more  ritual garb  than most  people have
socks,  and consider  their main  pagan influences  to be  Gerald
Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley.

Distinguishing  Signs :  Book  of  Shadows exceeds  five volumes.
  Knows every note of "Carmina Burana". Don't ask them about that
  18th century seed-pearl trim on  their ritual hat unless you've
  got an hour to spare.

12.  Monster Truck Pagan

Can build own house, kill own food, school own children, and brew
own hootch. Owns guns. Anointing oil is 30 weight. Scrying mirror
says "objects are closer than they appear".

Distinguishing  Signs :  Athame is  a Gerber  with a  compass and
  waterproof secret compartment. Eats  meat with visible twitches
  of pleasure. Ritual robes are made from cammo fabric.

13.  Norse Code

Heroic  and vikingly,  these pagans  often get  into trouble with
festival organizers  and park rangers  due to their  fondness for
running around  with huge battle-axes  in one hand  and full mead
horns in the other. They throw  the best parties, but if you're a
wimp, you're expressly not invited.

Distinguishing Signs : Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like
  persons wearing runes, with many  pounds of amber dangling from
  their necks.

14.  Our Lady Of Intense Suffering

Is constantly  persecuted. You're probably  persecuting her right
now,  you  just  don't  realize  it.  Became  a Pagan because she
decided it was that most  persecuted religion of all. Can't enjoy
anything because it would be selfish to have any fun when so many
are suffering.

Distinguishing  Signs :  Tales of  woe. Even  less of  a sense of
  humor than  Priest/ess of Political  Correctness. Bristles when
  anyone says the words "masochist" or "whining".

15.  Pagan Celebrity

At conventions, stays on the  hotel floor that requires a special
key  for  elevator  access.  Lurks  around  knots of conversation
eavesdropping in order  to see if their name  is being mentioned.
Arrives  in  helicopter  especially  for  rituals.  Starts  every
sentence with "I". If you ask  them how it's going, they hand you
a press release.

Distinguishing Signs  : Always has  plenty of books  to autograph
  and will personally sell them to  you at a slight discount from
  cover  price.  Never  seen  unaccompanied  by  beefy  amazonian
  bodyguards  and doe-eyed  hangers-on. Seems  vaguely afraid  of
  anyone they don't already know.

16.  Pentacles, Inc.

Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren't
buying my hand-forged Venus of  Wellendorf necklaces -- they come
in silver  and gold, and each  one has a genuine  cubic zirconium
belly  button. Would  you like  a reading?  Will that  be Visa or
MasterCard?

Distinguishing  Signs  :  Has  business  cards  featuring  little
  embossed  pentagrams.  You've  never   seen  so  much  Egyptian
  god/dess jewelry on a human being in your whole life.

17.  Priest/ess of Political Correctness

Analyzes  everything  they  read  or  hear  for  sexist,  racist,
homophobic,  imperialist,  Eurocentric   content  without  paying
attention to  what is actually  being said. Believes  in personal
liberty -- everyone has the right to be overbearing, dogmatic and
holier-than-thou, not just the Xtian Right. Incredibly boring yet
annoyingly self-righteous all at the same time.

Distinguishing  Signs   :  Beady  hyper-alert   little  eyes  are
  constantly  in  motion,  waiting  for  someone  to  do  or  say
  something  bad. Has  loud and  attention attracting  hissy fits
  when  confronted with  everyday things  such as  advertising or
  corporate  franchises.  Rudimentary  sense  of  humor is rarely
  activated.

--- Msged/2 4.00
 * Origin: Elfwhere - The POINTy eared POINT (3:640/531.2379)

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