Subj : cat funnies To : ALL From : George Pope Date : Wed Aug 13 2003 06:15 am A big variety -- hope at least 1 or 3 gives you a good giggle! In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery. He sauntered into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor. "Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars." "It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot. "For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it." "Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats." --> Seems that this suburbanite lady was distressed to notice that her beloved young cat was getting suspiciously fat. "She simply CAN'T be having kittens," she explained to the vet she had summoned. "The only time she ever leaves this house is when I have her on a leash." Just then another cat padded arrogantly across the drawing room floor. "Aha" chuckled the vet. "That looks definitely like a tomcat to me." "Oh, you don't understand," said the suburbanite impatiently. "He's only her BROTHER!" --> There is a mill with seven corners, In each corner stand seven bags, Upon each bag sit seven cats, each cat has seven kittens, Then the miller and his wife come into the mill. How many feet are now in the mill? 4 (cat's have paws) A lord as black as coal And the red kittens whip him. A pot on the fire. What has a head like a cat Feet like a cat A tail like a cat But isn't a cat Kitten Q. What's a cat's favorite play? A. "Ro-meow and Juliet." Q. Why did the cat watch the tennis match so closely? A. His old man was in the racket! Q. Why do lawyers never take their cats to the beach? A. Cats keep trying to bury lawyers with sand. Q. Why can't a cat be tried by a jury of its peers? A. It would be purr-jury. Q. What pantomime is about a cat in a chemist shop? A. Puss in Boots Q. What did the cat rest its head on when it went to sleep? A. A Cat-er-pillar Q. What do you give a cat that has everything? A. A wide berth Q. How do you make a cat drink? A. Put it in a blender, and strain off the fur. Q. What Do Cats Like To Eat For Breakfast? A. Mice Krispies. Q. What do you get if you cross an alley cat with a chinese cat? A. A Peking Tom. Q. What Do You Get When You Cross A Cat And A Pig? A. Sausage Lynx Q. What Do You Get When You Cross A Cat With A Lemon? A. A Sourpuss. Q. What Do You Get When You Cross A Skunk With A Cat? A. A Stinking Pussy. Q. What Do You Get When You Cross An Elephant With A Cat? A. Something That Purrs As It Squashes You. Q. What Has A Head Like A Cat, Feet Like A Cat, A Tail Like A Cat, But Isn't A Cat? A. A Kitten Q. What Has More Lives Than A Cat? A. A Frog. It Croaks Every Night. Q. What Is The Difference Between A Cat And A Comma? A. A Cat Has Claws At The End Of Its Paws, And A Comma Has A Pause At The End Of Its Clause. Q. What Is The Difference Between A Cat And A Match? A. Cats Burn Longer And Make More Noise. Q. What Is The Difference Between A Cup Of Coffee And A Cat? A. The Coffee Won't Scratch You When You Put It In The Microwave. Q. What was the name of the famous cat composer? A. Pussini. A black and white cat crossed my path this morning, and since then my luck has been patchy Give "the gift that keeps on giving": a female kitten. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. Have you heard the one about the All-American tom cat that made fourty seven yards in one night? Billy: I've lost my cat Johnny: Why don't you put an advert in the newspaper Billy: Don't be daft, he can't read Sam: I wish i had enough money to buy a pedigree cat Bill: Why do you want a pedigree cat? Sam: I don't - I just wish i had that much money Pete: Have you ever seen a catfish? Paul: Yes, i have Pete: How did it hold the rod? Detective: I am on the trail of a cat burglar Sergent: How do you know it's a cat burglar? Detective: All it stole was a saucer and a pint of milk --> A man with a cat, a mouse and a lump of cheese has to cross a river in a small boat, but he can only take one thing with him at a time. So how does he get them all across without the cat eating the mouse or the mouse eating the cheese? Cat Definitions Aquarium: interactive television for cats. Cat: 1. a lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer. 2. a four footed allergen. 3. a small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist. 4. a small, furry lap fungus. 5. a treat-seeking missile. 6. a wildlife control expert. 7. one who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes. 8. a hair relocation expert. 9. an unprogrammable animal. Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life. Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink. Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat. Cat Scan: to look for a new cat. Dog: a cat's device for running practice. Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of. Energy: the element of vitality cats always have an oversupply of until you try to play with them. Human: an automatic door opener for cats. Impurrsonate: to act like the cat. Kitten: a small homicidal muffin on legs; affects human sensibilities to the point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless acts of destruction with near-mythical overtones of cuteness. Not recommended for beginners. Get at least two. Purrade: an organized march of cats. Purradise: the garden of Cats. Purramour: a cat lover. Purranoia: the fear that your cat is up to something. Purraphernalia: a cat's personal belongings. Purrch: any favored feline napping spot. Purrchase: anything bought for a cat. Purrfume: the scent of an open can of tuna. Purrgatory: a houseful of kittens. Purrmission: a feline hunting expedition. Purrpetual: everlasting feline love. Purrplex: a house with two or more cats. Purrson: a male kitten. Purrsuit: the garment your shedding cat rubs against just as you are leaving home to go to an important meeting. Purrverse: a poem about a wicked kitty. Tooraloorailurophobia: an irrational fear of Irish cats. Tuner: sonar-like device in cat food that causes cats to appear. Yawn: a cat's honest opinion openly expressed. I am the moderator of FIDONET's "FUNNY Jokes and Stories" echo (come on by!) :) I sign in peace, as a friend, <+]::-{(} ("Cyberpope"(the Bishop of ROM!)) Internet: gapope@vcn.bc.ca Suggestions for joke conference happiness: 1)If you don't like a joke, post 2-3 examples of what you DO like! B)If you DO like a joke, say thank-you with 2-3 jokes of your own! :) My Preferred Netmail address is: 1:153/307 --- PPoint 1.76 * Origin: Cyberpope pointing via the Milky Way! (1:153/307.11) .