Subj : Movies
To   : All
From : Angus McLeod
Date : Wed Aug 31 2005 01:01 am

The Dukes of Hazard
=================== 
This was one very crappy movie.  Award-winningly bad performances from 
virtually every member of the cast, even Burt Reynolds.  But particularly 
from that has-been Willie Nelson who, in more ways than one, re-defines 
the term "bad joke" in his role as Jed Clampett (or WTF).  And as for 
Jessica Simpson -- well, somebody better tell her that sort of big-hair 
went out with Farrah.  BTW, she was supposed to be a hot piece of ass?  
Her face looked as synthetic as her tits, and...  Ok, ok, I'd do her, but 
only because I'm feeling horny and only if she *swore* not to speak a 
single word, and get out *immediately* after I was done!  Pass on this 
message to Jessica for me someone:  Your ass don't look that hot!

This is a movie that sort of gives some reason for the fact that Americans 
think that a race is exactly 1/4 mile long, with no curves or bends.  And 
that you can demonstrate a high degree of motoring skill while still 
keeping both hands on the wheel at *all* times.  The driving sequences 
were really lack-lustre, and the thing is, it ISN'T to say the manoevers 
didn't come off -- there simply WERE no manoevers worthy of note.  Frankly 
I enjoyed the high-speed sequences from "Herbie: Fully Loaded" better.  
Yawnsville!

I guess I should have expected the ultimate horror, but it was only at the 
last minute that I suddenly realised how horrid this movie could actually 
become:  They asked Jessica Simpson to sing!  I was just telling myself 
that it COULDN'T get worse...  when I discovered that it could.  She 
declined and got Willie Nelson to sing instead.  Aaaaaaarrrrrrrgggghhhhh!

So WTF was I doing in the cinema watching what I *knew* was going to turn 
out to be a steaming pile of shite?  Simple answer:  it was the B-movie 
(or C-?  Or D-?) to.....

The Island
==========
Now I LIKED this movie.  Amusing plot.  No need to stretch the imagination 
*too* far.  Some really cool hardware (I *want* one of those flying 
bikes!)  Good casting.  McGregor and Johansson did creditably well.  (And 
for a McLeod to say something nice about a McGregor...)  Djimon Hounsou 
was very believable muscle for the bad guys, and Sean Bean did a good job 
as the evil professor.  The cinematography was excellent.  All round, well 
worth the ticket money for the double feature.

And even though I am a long-term member of the tit-lovers club, Scarlett 
Johansson has the kind of ass that Jessica Simpson should fall to her 
knees and pray for.  It may not be as big, but it actually looks *real*!




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