Subj : Becoming Humble To : All From : Jacques Montagne Date : Sun Feb 18 2001 01:54 am * CARBON COPY: * Original was to ALL in 17:SIP_ACA on the JUXTA BBS. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Dear friends, It took me some 10 years before I became familiar with the second part of the 1st step where one admits to the unmanageability of one's life, as in: STEP ONE We admitted we were powerless over the effects of addictions or addictive behaviors, and that our lives had become unmanageable. It was after a year or so of SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) that I made connections between my obsession with sex and my other substance addictions. I then found out that I would neglect every other responsibility in my life in order to nourish my fantasies, which were never satisfied, none the less. About 5 years ago when I became aware of that state of affair I had cried and cried so much; I had just discovered how unmanageable my life had become because of that sex obsession. Yet, on the outside nobody would have known. My sex addiction was very private, very secret; I was a chronic masturbator. And this morning after going through 2 weeks of immense physical pains and then another week of fright so great that it bordered on terror, I have to admit once again, I am reminded, that I am not the master of my life as long as powerful neuroses or dysfunctional behaviors are at work in me. This is a very depressing thought: I am not a master, but only a witness of Life within me. All my ego's strength and pride was built upon me being the boss, the man in control. What a downfall I must admit to. But, but, but, maybe it's not such a downfall; maybe it's only coming to terms with grounded reality after years of flying high in the clouds of illusions. It was through no will of mine that I suffered from those great kidney pains and that unending nausea that started 2 week ago. And again it was not my will's work to be confronted by the reality of difficulties with landlords at that precise moment. But both situations forced me to connect with emotional hurts so deeply repressed that no amount of therapy in 32 years had allowed me to exorcise much of them. My HOP (Higher Outer Power) god was at work and it helped my HIP (Higher Inner Power) god free me somehow of some of my old mental blocks. I've been sleeping a lot since last Friday. Just like I had worked overtime for the past 2 weeks. This plunged me into speculations about my fatigue: was I using my old chronic fatigue practice to avoid facing reality or was I simply letting my body and my mind take a rest? I chose to trust my body's instinct and allow myself to sleep, preventing my usual worried mind from endlessly pondering on the moral value of my need to sleep. And I smoked a total of 2 cigarettes in 3 days, half a cigarette at the time, and had one puff of pot and last night I ate sweets in the form of a large size portion of pie. And I did some TV zapping for the first time in 2 weeks; I ended up watching Eddie Murphy's Dr. Dolittle. Am I relapsing into old patterns? That's a question for the sickly principled person I still am, I guess. I have often noted that the absolutes of abstinence instead of the relative humanity of sobriety in using God's creations with care, in case of need, was often lacking in my past, as it is in many an AA and NA member. I can accept the need for total abstinence in order to break the pattern; I was totally abstinent from drugs for 5 years and have been from alcohol for 9, but I have not gone back to uncontrolled use of pot; the physical discomforts of using just don't balance out the temporary enlightenment. And my fear of alcohol is so great that I am not even tempted to try it. As for my habit of over-eating, I came close to relapsing yesterday, so good was the spaghetti sauce I just had concocted. But God must me with as my stomach, which has shrunk a lot after two weeks of eating very small meals and fasting, just would not take more food in, in spite of my desire to eat more, for the pleasure of the good taste of it. I also noticed that the reason I came close to over-eating and the reason why I used some sweets was that I felt lonely on that Saturday night. I just don't have, as of yet, proper ways to satisfy my need for companionship other than alternative sharings with my confidents on the telephone. This is hard work that will, I hope, eventually be replaced by the lighthearted pleasures of social chit-chat. I often wonder how come so many confident(e)s in my life have put up with this grueling personal growth process and have answered my calls or called upon me. I can only be thankful that their needs for growth were probably similar to mine. I must be privileged and graced on my path of growth! Surrender, surrender, so many meditation authors have suggested. But surrender to what I would ask when I was still so much in the games that mind plays on one's consciousness. It is only when I humbly allow my body to do what it needs, that I eventually find peace. When I try to control anything, I always end up tense and depressed with failures. When my body started wanting to sleep last Thursday, I resisted at first, not wanting to fall in my old pattern of chronic escape into sleep. It was only after saying the words of the 1st step, admitting my powerlessness over my need to sleep, that I was able to start thinking that maybe I need to sleep, for real, after 2 weeks of major efforts, both physical and psychological. Poor judgment and lack of emotional equilibrium have always been characteristics of mine. Now, I could humbly surrender to my powerlessness and trust the intuitions that came to me. For the past two days I've allowed myself to sleep and isolate as much as I needed to. No harm to myself or to others; just a lesson in surrendering. But I sense that my ego is still there. What if your intuitions are not sane? What if they are the devil talking? That's the insidious mental disease of doubting, or lack of faith maybe? I must accept that this is where I am, for the time being. Well, I must thank you again very humbly for your continuous presence in my life. * May there be Good for All ! * Jacques copyright 2001, JM ___--------------------------------------------------------------------- P.S. If you feel like answering, commenting or asking questions, BUT IN PRIVATE MODE, please leave me a message at any of the following electronic addresses: A.O.L. 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