Subj : A Spiritual Awakening To : All From : Jacques Montagne Date : Fri Dec 15 2000 02:24 am Dear friends, Every word that comes out of the mouth of each human being, every word that gets put down on paper or on a computer screen has to be the manifestation of a spiritual awakening. I can make mine the statement written by the evangelist John in the New Testament in 1:1 : In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. All things were made through Him, and without Him, nothing was made that was made. In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. I wrote in the presence of my French language readers yesterday about my on-going spiritual awakening, that being the moment when a previously unknown awareness about Reality manifests itself to me out of it's own free will. I am choosing to do my monthly comments on the step of the month today, on the 15th, because this is how I am inspired to be and do this morning. I am only obeying the Intuition from within, modestly obeying my HIP-HOP god. STEP TWELVE Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. My motivation this morning follows what is spelled in the above step, that being, to keep practicing the spiritual principles that have been emerging in me for many years and transmit my experience of these principles to those who care to read or listen. Sharing one's experience, as it is, without the disguises of political correctness has to be the toughest thing I've had to do for years, and it does not get easier, as new emergences and new insights are always frightening. I could easily write that my ego is frightened! Yet, I'm able to obey the Inspiration from within in spite of that fear, and in spite of my deep anxious state. A major awakening happened to me last Saturday when I wrote the last text I sent out about me being people addicted. I'm very frightened, just now, at trying to share what I lived as a result. I have shared it with a few phone partners and I was afraid every time; same thing now. It has to be a very threatening process for my self-protective ego to have to deal with! Within half an hour after posting my text "People Addicted ?" last Saturday I had a strong longing to talk to a confident. But even after 5 tries with different persons, I could not reach any of them; I left phone messages. And I STARTED FEELING COLD IN MY BONES. It was already over 75o in my room, but still I raised the thermostat and I went to bed were I have an electric bed sheet and I also raised the temperature. But still, I was feeling a bone-chilling cold. I knew something major was happening to me. I had the thought that maybe I'm living the withdrawal symptoms of the alcoholic or the heroin addict when he goes on the wagon and stops using completely. For an hour and a half lying under my blankets, which I could feel as hot, I was almost shaking, so cold was I. I was in the midst of something major, a physical reaction to a disturbing insight. When I got a call from partner Tom, he accepted to go immediately into alternative sharing mode with me. Within 20 minutes, or two rounds of 5 minutes sharings, I was feeling warm, very warm. The shaking and the freezing cold were gone. I even had to lower the temperature of my thermostats. I could not stop thinking that maybe I had just gotten my "fix" of human contact and now I was OK. I was quite afraid of acknowledging that the insight I had had that morning as being people addicted might be true. How shaming that would be! You now know the same facts I know; any understanding or comprehension of what happened to me is open to exploration. I wish I could die just now, as again I am feeling the weight of the possibility of being a chronic dependent, in the understanding of my personality structure as a dependent and adult child. I really have to use the practice of 12 Steppers in meetings and identify myself as a dependent and admit my powerlessness over my dependency on people. My name is Jacques and I am an addict; and I am powerless over my addiction to people. How difficult it is to live, just for now. If only I could disappear or go into religious mysticism totally denying the shame of being so vulnerable. But a long time ago, I chose to live through suffering in all it's forms, as best I can, in the moment. Such a feeling of aloneness when I suffer. Even if I know YOU are there (even if virtually, in timeless time) as readers and that I have friends as near as a telephone call, I feel so alone just now. Maybe I'm just learning to feel the void of existential aloneness, that apparently end-line of all emotional growth processes. At least it seems to be the issue known as the feeling of sunyata in Buddhism, or the heart of transcendent knowledge. I can only rely on the slogan or the prayer that I have been putting at the end of all my sharings for the past 8 years, May there be Good for All, hoping to have come to me a better understanding of the interrelatedness of human beings, of interdependency and of my people addiction. I'll let my HIP-HOP gods work and surrender to them now. * May there be Good for All ! * Jacques copyright 2000, JM ___--------------------------------------------------------------------- P.S. If you feel like answering, commenting or asking questions, BUT IN PRIVATE MODE, please leave me a message at any of the following electronic addresses: A.O.L. Internet E-Mail: for ACA: MonTang@aol.com (with or without other topics: JacMonta@aol.com capitals) BBS NetMail on Fidonet: 1:167/133 Voice & FAX: (450) 659-3417 ___ X SPEED 2.01 #1504 X --- Maximus/2 3.01 * Origin: Juxtaposition BBS, Telnet:juxtaposition.dynip.com (1:167/133) .