Subj : The Addict I Am
To   : All
From : Jacques Montagne
Date : Wed Nov 08 2000 04:52 am

     Dear friends,

     About three hours ago, I sent you the posting JUST FOR TODAY.  I
wrote that sober, as I had woken up.  But now, I'm under the influence of
a small quantity of quality pure chocolate.  And I'm confused.

     This substance is usually not considered as a drug by
proper-thinking individuals, but I know it as one of my major
addictions.  No, I did not eat some chocolate, about an hour ago, to
reward myself for a good action, but it was an action done OUT OF
CONTROL.  I went to the cuber where the chocolate was kept; I first read
the label, just to know what kind of chocolate it was, but I already
knew what it was; I guess I was only getting closer to my addict's use
of the chocolate.  Just checking was my excuse to get close the object
of my addiction .  Of course I opened the wrapper, just to take one
small bite.  That small bite turned into 4 larger bites, for a total
quantity of maybe 75 gms of chocolate. Then I started feeling the
effect: I WAS STONED, out of control.

     I can talk about this event without too much guilt or fear of your
judgment, because after all I was not using an illegal drug or alcohol,
but rather a popular sweet.  Very few people are aware of the powerful
mood modifying effect of chocolate, or other sweets and their addictive
properties.  Most would laugh at my concerns over my current state of
mind.  But let me inform you that I am well aware that my mood is now
completely modified because of my use of the chocolate.

     I AM STONED.  What I mean by this, is that my mood has been totally
changed from my sober state of earlier this morning.  I'm going from one
topic to another.  My e-mail server just picked up my mail automatically
and I went to my laptop to read what came in.  Instead I reread some
of my postings to you of last week; currently I'm reading LIVING WITH
ANXIETY and I'm disturbed with what I'm reading.  It is quite disturbing
for me to read old sharings, as it is listening to tapes of some of my
talks given in NA, OA, SA and AA over the years.  The picture I get of
myself is somehow threatening to my fragile self-image.

     Just finished reading the above cited text.  It was disturbing but
I was able to read it to the end.  But I read, just like if I was not
concerned; that's the effect of the chocolate, a substance which
modifies my perception.  Nothing is ever dramatic when under it's
influence; very similar to what many drug users and alcoholics live.
That's how I've come to realize that alcohol or drug users or
over-eaters or sexaholics or workaholics all suffer from the same
disease:  addiction.  We suffer from an addictive personality.  Our
primary needs cannot be satisfied directly by natural acquisition
processes; we use alternate, neurotic or replacement means, which of
course never satisfy us.  That's why so many of us go to excess use of
our substance of choices or acquired and dysfunctional patterns of
behavior.

     Now, I'm back with you.  I just been reading 2 more of last week's
postings, 2 of them in french.  My 10th step admissions are getting to
me because they are my reality, a reality I have difficulty accepting.
Admitting that I am powerless is really a first step, done at the
cerebral cortex level; but it takes much longer to acknowledge my
weaknesses at the gut level .  After all, the ego that protected me for
so long, just will not leave me alone; it will prevent me from seeing
myself as I am, in order to protect me from the possible emergence of
old emotional hurts.  That is the way the human brain functions, I've
learned over the years.  For now, I must humbly accept that I am
powerless over these dysfunctional conditioned reflexes.

     Now that I have shared my feelings of confusion after using, I'm
becoming aware that I'm feeling better; I am not alone with my suffering
as a dependent, because I wrote and shared them.  And I'll thank you for
having been there; I was again able use your virtual or intemporal
presence in dealing with my human limitations and character weaknesses.

 * May there be Good for All ! *

Jacques



                                                      copyright 2000, JM
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