Subj : Just For Today To : All From : Jacques Montagne Date : Wed Nov 08 2000 01:49 am Dear trusted friends, After over 14 years in 12 steps circles, I'm coming to use for the first time, the JUST FOR TODAY, the ONE DAY AT THE TIME slogans and philosophy. And I have to use it this morning in order to help me deal with my weaknesses, without needing to resort to a minuscule quantity of pot. Just for today, I will not use, if God grants me the capacity to live through this day without needing my medical-like dose of pot. It's been 2 days since my last use. I didn't use, not because of my will, but rather because I cannot bear the fatigue that comes 12 hours after using. My body, as always, is teaching me how to deal with my character weaknesses. Fatigue is not a pleasant state to be in, at least for me. It is my inability to humbly accept my limitations that makes me use substances or dysfunctional behaviors instead of living through them and learning more adequate coping mechanisms. I wrote what's above yesterday. I was unable to not use and I did resort both to a few puffs of pot at noon yesterday and to brown sugar in order to calm myself last night in order to go to sleep. Two examples during the day of not being able to deal with my state of mind of the moment, times where I used substances to alter my mood. Just for today, I must look at what happened yesterday; this is my way to learn from experience. Yesterday, I had done 3 separate hour-long sessions of alternative sharings with friends, in the morning, where I had explored issues that put me into my vulnerable state, a state of being I also call being sensitive to what's happening in the moment. I worked hard at slowing myself using in-breath awareness. But it's very difficult for me not to become highly excited when I'm having a good contact with a trusted human being. This is the state I was in when I allowed myself pot; it was my ultimate recourse for temporary appeasement at the moment. Mind you, I'm not an adolescent experimenting with drugs; I'm 58 years old, well read on many medical and scientific topics in that field, taking notes on my behavior and learning from the experience. After using, the rest of the day went smoothly, in spite of my guilt at having used (yes, I still have moral guilt!), and I did much work that needed to be done. I was tired at the end of the day, but I was able to go to my ACA meeting and it was a good one, in spite of the small number of members present. But last evening I could not help but resort to my cereal and milk with brown sugar on top, bedtime snack, a good 4 bowls of it. As usual I fell into a deep sleep, with a lot of dreaming going on. I woke up tired this morning, because my dreams had dealt with my discouragement in front of the reality-like events in the dream. Using sweets is not reward for good deeds; it is self-destructive behavior, as I can see it. There are serious changes happening to me. I have been regularly taking my blood pressure for years now, every few days, sometimes every day; I started this after a stroke 3 years ago. My average used to be in 175/95 area; I have been reading it lately in the 140/75 range. This is a major change; I've never had low blood pressure in my life. Of course it is not steady at that level; I've read the old level on other days. The physical sign of high blood pressure has been a major symptom of my anxious personality for decades. But could these two months of breath awareness mindfulness be making the change, because of the training or accumulated effect? The other factor could be pot; but that has not been consistent. And I use my doctor prescribed high blood pressure medicine at the same rate as before, that being taken every second or third day. I'm supposed to take it every day, but I only take it when I think of it, at my first meal of the day and I keep a written record of when I take it; that's how I can be sure of the dosage. Yes, something is changing in me. My worrying status is strangely much less. And that worries me a bit. M'mmm... worrying about not worrying! Mind games playing on their own at my expense, I guess. Now, one consideration that I use to pacify my fear of being pot dependent is that I have never written a sharing while under the influence. I believe I would be dishonest if I did. And honesty in sharing has kept me going for many years because it forces me to overcome my fears of not being accepted by others. I used to be looking so much for approval. But I much prefer the combined feelings of fear and an honest expression that allows me to go beyond the fear. In the moment, I am mindful of the awareness that I am excited by this ability to work through fear so often. I am grateful towards whatever Higher Nature or Powers, that might be, that have given me the ability to work through fear. Imagine, I'm able to talk openly about my pot use, while this would have been a taboo subject just a few years ago. It was my fear of being rejected by NA members, a few of which I'm in contact with. They still accept the person I am; they have not rejected me or condemned me for my weaknesses or use of pot. This is where I am this morning. Oh, I just had the thought "things are going too well, something is bound to go wrong"; that's a symptom of my deep anxiety, one that I must accept just for now. I admit that I'm still powerless over many crazy thoughts and I must rely on the belief that my Higher Nature and Powers will take care of me in proper time. Just for now, I can thank you for being present in my on-going voyage of discovery about who or what I am. May my writings help you on your own spiritual path and growth. * May there be Good for All ! * Jacques copyright 2000, JM ___--------------------------------------------------------------------- P.S. If you feel like answering, commenting or asking questions, BUT IN PRIVATE MODE, please leave me a message at any of the following electronic addresses: A.O.L. Internet E-Mail: for ACA: MonTang@aol.com (with or without other topics: JacMonta@aol.com capitals) BBS NetMail on Fidonet: 1:167/133 Voice & FAX: (450) 659-3417 ___ X SPEED 2.01 #1504 X --- Maximus/2 3.01 * Origin: Juxtaposition BBS, Telnet:juxtaposition.dynip.com (1:167/133) .